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#521135 05/16/09 04:52 PM
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Have you gone through the process of grieving because of the abuse you endured as a child? Please share how you got through the process so that others may benefit from your experiences. It's so important for us to know that we are not alone in the process. I look forward to hearing from each of you.

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My father almost died last year but lived. I was hoping the process would change him, but it didn't. He was already dead to me in so many ways. I hope a miracle occurs and my parents change. There is definitely a grieving process for what I never had and for what I may never have. I also grieve for them and their broken hearts and lives.

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lizk,
Sadly, many abusers do not change, even when given a second chance at life. I also grieve over what I never had and what I longed to have as a child. Thank you for stopping by the forum and sharing.

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I started grieving when my denial lifted and I relized I didnt really matter to them. I always thought they were just thoughtless or drunken. Its taken about 6 years to slowly detach. Its been really hard to let go. I went through all the phases. not sure which order. denial,shock,depression,anger,bargaining,hoping for change and around and around several times. now just trying to just stay away from them.

Last edited by freemenow; 06/11/09 07:07 PM.
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freemenow,
A few weeks ago, I learned something about the grieving process from my therapist. She told me that often those who are grieving don't necessarily go through each phase, or stage, in a particular order. She said that we can go through all phases at once. I guess it depends on where we are at emotionally when grieving. I never knew this, but it has helped me so much to know that what I was feeling was valid.

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kelli, true! and when I say "went thru" I should have said "going thru" I am a little further in the process where as Im not so confused. they always blamed me. that im just sensitive. i felt less than. its kinda cut throat. like the weak are used as a whipping post. I couldnt grieve what i didnt understand to be a loss. wow!!! its been a really big eye opener!! i read a book this week called, After The Tears, reclaiming the personal losses of childhood. It has helped so much Im gonna read it again and again. trying not to fall back in the old groove. its so hard to move forward. i am determined!!

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freemenow,
I too am 'going through' the grieving process. It does take time to go through this particular process! I think I will have to get that book and read it as well!

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Kelli, It is an older book from the mid 80's or so. Hopefully you can find it. I would like to know if you do:) the authors are Jane Middelton-Moz & Lorie Dwinell. This book also showed me that alcoholic parent(s) and co-dependant dont nurture kids properly and our seperation phases are not completed therefore we dont mature at a normal rate. Its then hard to move forward and you cant go backwards. Meshing and dependancy can occur. In other words we are still children trying to get our needs met by our parents and or significant others. We need constant re-assuance but we just get critisizm. We dont feel whole. Our parents can control us emotional and they didnt even plan it. Thats where the inner child work helps alot. Im working on that! thank you so much.......hugs!

Last edited by freemenow; 06/13/09 10:49 AM.
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I finally spilled my guts to my father yesterday.After trying to discuss how I feel, I was continually met with "Oh Jesus Christ" and "Your really having a bad day today aren't you" "You need help" "You got a problem" "Just because I don't want to talk about a book?" so on and so forth. After not letting his usual attempts shake me off the subject or make me cry, he changed his tactics from the guilt trip to the bullying to down right abusive and nasty. I spilled it all. The abuse, the drinking, the neglect. All of it. He told me I was crazy and it is all in my head. He denied his part in any of my childhood. He denied it all. He has selective memory. He then attacked me personally in any and every way possible. I met his attacks one at a time and threw it back to him. I finally said everything I felt. I always held back not wanting to hurt him. After seeing that he MEANT to hurt me I didn't care anymore. I told him that we don't have a healthy relationship and I don't want negative people in my life anymore. I told them I have no use for him or my mother and don't know why he even calls me. He had no answers, for himself or my mother. All the passive aggressiveness was validated in the things he said to me. I told him that they sucked as parents then and now. I told him to call me when he was willing to take responsibility for himself. He made fun of me for going to college, mocked my interests and marriage. Told me I was crazy and everyone thinks so. He was so hurtful and mean. I didn't cry. He made fun of my emotions and had no respect for me as a person or otherwise. I showed no mercy for him. I brought is all up, and told HIM to sleep with it for now on because I refuse too. I feel releaved. I am glad he and Mom are out of my life. I feel if they can't respect me, or even KNOW me that I can't be around them. They only bring out negative into my life. The unspoken rules are hell on me. My dad goes from Mr. Happy to Verbally Abusive and back again. He rules the roost and says and does as he pleases. If you refuse to play the game my brothers and mother will shun me. I don't want them in my life this way. I am sure he has stretched the truth and manipulated the facts to suit him as he repeats what happened between us over and over to all who will listen. Making it clear that I am off limits and anyone caught speaking to me will feel his wrath. I took his power away. I stopped playing. I only want to be notified of funeral arrangements for my parents from now on.

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notjustme,
While I am saddened to hear that he responded to as he did, it does not surprise me. Many abusers behave just like that. They don't want to hear what their victim has to say, especially when it becomes time for them (the abuser) to take responsibility for their previous actions. Most abusers will continue to make it the fault of their victim. It's all about power and control.

What you did was take his power away! I want to applaud you for standing up for yourself. I admire you. That is one thing I never did to my mother. I love my mother. She is no longer on this earth. While I do love her, I also wish that I had had the courage to confront her on her abusiveness both in my childhood years and my adult years, since the verbal and emotional abuse continued on into my adulthood. I was always too afraid to hurt her feelings. I longed to tell her how it affected me and my siblings. But, I never did and I will always regret that. Anyway, I commend you on your courage and your strength!


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