BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Women who are CF yet date/marry men with kids?

Hi ladies,

This is something I'm really curious about. My partner doesn't have kids ( thank god!)lol.

I'm amazed some women manage to do this when they are soooo many downsides. Your man has a permanent link to his ex and if you are very unlucky she could be a complete nutter that will makes his life hell which would impact on you. Or she could still be holding on to hopes of getting him back.

Alot of your husband's income goes to child support. Their kids will come first and you will be second whereas as you can be number one with a cf man.

You can't have total freedom as 'daddy' will still want to spend weekends/school holidays with them.

Then there is the teenage/young adult years when they could be out of control and of course having a stressed out, worried hubby is going to impact on you. I know for me one of the big turn offs was not the baby/young kid stage but that of teenager. Then there is them getting sick or hurt and when they have kids you will be surrounded by their kids every time they vist.

To me it's like if you want to go through all that [censored] with somebody elses kid/s then you might as well as just have your own because you're really not avoiding much.

Would you marry a 'daddy'? Maybe you are married to a 'daddy' or have dated one in the past. How did/would you cope? and what could you handle and not handle?

Then there people like me who have custody of their children so they are home with me all of the time except for when their mother takes them for visits.

Have women dated any men or are you with any men who have physical custody of their children?.

When dating, I try to look for single mothers with children or women that love children but just don't want any of their own.

I am up front about everything when meeting or chatting with a women about my children. I have been lucky to be blessed with two children who are well behaved and easy going. However they are only nine and ten but at least I got a good start on them for their teen years.

I also have two children that are over twenty and I have a five year old girl who lives in Michigan with her mother. I just signed my divorce papers for that one.

It is hard enough to date and it is even harder when you have children. Some women and men consider children "baggage" when dating or listing themselves in profiles and such.

It is my personal belief that any woman or man who are devoutly CF and want to stay that way, should stay away from people who have children because there may be jealousy issues when the mother or father is devoting time to their children.

I personally am afraid to start dating again because of the children so when I am ready, I will probably join a Parents without Partners club or something.

That is nice to hear from a Dad's point of view, Vance - your kids are lucky that you are looking out for their best interests!

When I was 19, I met my (older) future husband. He had kids by a previous marriage and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Yep - the teenagers can be rough. AND - the ex always being in the background, although she was several states away.

Older now, I know that kids SHOULD come first with their parents no matter who is in the parents' life!!!

Now - I might date a guy with older (over 18) kids, but I would have to meet them early on to see if there were going to be any problems. I would entertain the idea of having a grown "daughter-type or son-type person in my life" and would welcome them as family - IF - we all got along.

Naturally, having no kids of my own, I would prefer to meet someone who is on the same page. It's kind of hard to find men in their late 40's, early 50's who do not have kids.

I admit, I would run from children under 18.

Hi Vance, raising two of your kids as a single father would make you attractive to a lot of women. It shows you have time for your kids and are there for them. I really admire your devotion to them and they have obviously nothing to fear when you date again.

The fact they are well mannered well that is also a very good bonus! I think you need a single mother rather than one who has no kids because they will see what a great dad you are and eventually want a baby with you. I don't see you will have a problem getting a new lady, I guess your issues would be your kids liking the new lady and her kids liking you and of course the children getting along with one another. Also, you want to hope her kids are as well mannered as yours!

Hi Robin, thank you so much for sharing that . As long as everything falls into place adult children might not be that bad a compromise but for me being the all or nothing type it would kind of feel funny for me personally and I would be thinking why am I playing step mother/grand mother to his kids and their kids when I couldn't do it for myself. Also, I'd want to know that I could move where ever I wanted and that could be issue when grandkids came on the scene. I couldn't ask someone to move from their grandkids, so there is that trapped feeling....

I've personally always avoided men with kids, but for a few years I did have a boyfriend with a teenage daughter who lived with her mum, and saw her dad often. She was a nice enough girl, no more surly than your average teenage girl, and her mum was a very friendly woman with no jealousy issues. We only occasionally did things as a group of three (me, him and daughter) because the parents felt it was better that way and as someone who isn't too into spending time with kids, I was fine with this.

The problem as a childfree person is that for me, a good dad will ALWAYS put his kids first. Yet, as a partner, I would always want to be that No.1 person. This just isn't possible in a relationship where one partner already has kids. However understanding and accommodating you are, it's still a pain in the neck when you've been looking forward to a party or special event and you can't go, because mum's ill or has to work late, and dad has to step in.

The relationship ended for other reasons, not child-related, but I do think it is hard to make things work. You just can't ask as much from a guy who already has children in his life, if he doesn't take care of his kids he's not a good guy, but if he does, he won't have the same time for YOU.

Hi Kalinka,

I guess it might be different when they are adults as the "father" is no longer having to babysit for the mother. I could handle outings out but I don't think I could handle 24/7. It might be ok if you are just dating the guy and don't live there so when the kids stay a week or two, you can still get out of there back to your kid free sanctuary. lol

Reading the replies makes so very greatful that my bf was smart about using condoms. haha

When my husband and I first met, I learned he had a 4-year-old daughter from his previous marriage. I decided that I definitely would not date him because I didn't want to deal with it . . . Then, after we dated for a while (I obviously didn't stick with that decision!) and things got serious, I started looking at blogs online about step-moms and how horrible it was to be a step-parent, and I had serious doubts about continuing the relationship . . . When we got engaged (see a pattern here?), I never once doubted my decision to marry him, but I did have a lot of stress about the fact that our lives were not truly ours--all of our decisions had to revolve around his daughter's schedule. I did resent this for a long time, mainly because I kept my anger to myself. However, he and I have learned over the years to communicate so much better, and when I feel like our lives are being "ruled" by this, I point that out, and the issue gets resolved--I guess like most issues in marriages!

I think another thing that has helped is that he and I didn't meet until we were 29, and we didn't marry until we were 33. By then, I felt so independent that when he and his daughter spent time together, I was actually grateful for the "alone-time." When I was younger, I was much needier; I wanted my boyfriends to focus on me all the time! In this relationship, though, I always encourage them to go off and to do father-daughter things together just so I can have some me-time! Also, we have his daughter every other week (for the most part), so he and I take lots of mini-weekend trips out of town when we don't have her so that we can spend some quality time together to keep those "fires" burning!

Now that his daughter is 13, she's a lot of fun. She and I sit and chat about boys, school, make-up, and other things that 8th-grade girls are obsessed with! I never "parented" her--I left all of the discipline, the discussions about grades, etc. up to my husband--so I think that helped me to avoid the feeling that I was having to have the parenting duties without actually being a parent.

Don't get me wrong--it isn't a perfect, easy situation! There were times that I felt like screaming! However, I felt like that in my previous relationships, too, because of other issues--boyfriends flirting with other people, jealousy, lack of emotion, etc. I think all relationships have certain issues to deal with. But as long as the issues aren't horrible, and both spouses can communicate, and they both try their hardest to make things work, if the marriage is meant to be, it'll work.

SWK great post i like it.

I wouldn't date a man with kids, but that's because I like to keep my life simple and drama free. Others might handle it just fine, but I know for myself that dating a man with a child would stress me out and very possibly create unnecessary drama - especially when the child became a teenager!!

Yip, I would have to second you on that one...I always prefer the path of least resistence. Unless its unavoidable... now a friend of mine is stunned that after completing a masters degree I have just gone on to commence my CPA... and yet she has a baby I say... well, my education will give me more money....better credentials....and when I speak about my area of speciality people will actually listen....there has got to be a substantial benefit in an activity involving stress for me to actually take it up...