BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids On the fence? Check out this thread

Hey everyone,

I know there have been some posts on here from people who are still on the fence about having kids or remaining CF. I stumbled across a thread in the Family<Moms section of this site entitled "I hate being a mom" (it appeared in the right sidebar while I was checking out MNK). I really suggest that you check it out if you are still undecided because most of the women posting here had no interest in having children and caved to the pressure of friends, family, and the "what will you do when you get old" nonsense.

Family<Moms<I hate being a mom

The thread was started over two years ago and is STILL GOING if you can believe that...those of you who are sick of hearing from people that you "have to" have kids will get a lot out of these posts. It is sad, but does make me feel completely justified in remaining CF. All our fears about parenting are apparently very real (ie, losing our independence, having no social life, life centered completely around a baby, major gender issues) and people just don't admit it to our faces! It is sooooo nice to finally hear the other side from women just like us, who are truly not cut out for parenting but unfortunately made the wrong decision. They're trying to cope as best as they can but it sure justifies our side of the story.

I'm a regular of that thread. To me finding the MNK forum was a revelation that came too late. It still felt great to see that I was not the only one in the world no to want children, but for a while I kept thinking that all who eventually had one changed their minds. And then I stumbled into this "I hate being a mom" thread. It is horrible, but reading these stories, some significantly worse that mine, make me feel better!!! Like, damn, I was right!
I recommend highly this thread to everybody who is 95% against having children, and I wish I could force the many people I met over the years who insisted "you will change your mind, everybody does", to read it.

Shnicky,

Many, many thanks for posting this thread!!! I read about five pages worth, and it really spoke to me. So many of the moms said, "It will grow on you" or "You just have PPD". By the time the child is three years old, you are pretty much committed to him/her, like it or not. And I have always been a strong believer that from the day a child is born (and even before), he/she has the innate ability to sense the mood of its surroundings. When you become a parent, it is immediately time for you to put your own wishes away and totally give OF yourself. I feel so badly for the woman whom her mother never wanted. I would never in a million years want to have a child that grew up to dislike me because I never wanted them.

Thanks, again. God bless you for giving me this often-hidden perspective.

-Beth

Having been childfree for many years, lately I've been feeling a little more on the fence (probably hormonally-induced, I am 35 after all). I've told several of my non-CF friends about the thread and they cannot believe there are mothers out there who aren't completely thrilled with motherhood. After reading all the stories in the thread, I feel like saying to all my friends and family, "I told you so! I'm just not cut out to be a mom! And I'm not the only one." It has been truly liberating.

Shnicky, I read through that thread, and it's probably the most interesting read I've ever come across concerning the honest challenges and experiences that real mothers face. Most would never admit these feelings to anyone, but with the anonymity of the internet, they are free to do so. I wish all &quot;undecided&quot; moms to be could read this thread. It made me realize that if there are big doubts or concerns about having a child, it probably is a huge sign to not have one! Sadly, many of these women have learned the hard way. :( My heart goes out to them, and I so admire them for pulling through and trying to make the best of their situations.

I find it fascinating that these negative aspects of parenthood are so taboo. One of my friends who recently had a child confessed that he thinks it has to do with a parent's fear of being a) judged or b) viewed as a failure for not living up to the romanticized notions of parenthood that we are fed. This thread was really refreshing to read. As I have been going through my own decision-making process of whether or not to have a child (increasingly leaning towards not), I have been seeking out books, articles, etc. that offer a more balanced view of the parenting experience. But there's very little out there. If anything, so much of the material out there is skewed the other way. (One of the reasons I'm so glad I stumbled upon the MNK site.) As one of my friends pointed out, there seems to be a social conspiracy (from friends, family, the media, among others) pressuring and guilting so many people (women in particular) into this decision. There is a parenthood boom going on at the moment among my close friends (all highly educated men and women in their 30s) and more than one has mentioned that they feel shell-shocked, guilty, angry, and resentful, wondering why in the world no one talks honestly about what the reality is actually like. I feel that there need to be more books out there on this topic, not just internet threads! I also think that the MNK community is an important resource for men and women dealing with these questions; so many of my friends who are pregnant or who have young children have told me how relieved they are that they don't have to worry about what I will think if they confide these &quot;socially unacceptable&quot; feelings to me. But it is VERY difficult for parents to go on the record about the guilt, anger, regrets, etc. they have (even though apparently a huge number of people who have children do regret the decision at some level) because they are, after all, responsible for the emotional well-being of at least one child who doesn't want to feel unloved. For me, it's been a huge relief to see that so many of the fears and concerns that I have about the realities of parenthood aren't simply fears, but realities.

I think another big reason parents do not talk about parenting not being all great is because we know that our children will take it personally.

In my case, my oldest son has Asperger's a type of Autism. Life has been very challenging for us AND him. I find myself wishing at times that I were not a mom, because I have gone through too much. I am lucky, because I do not wish this all the time - but there are days when it is just too much and I mourn the days when the only person I had to worry about was me.

But if I ever thought my son would see these words it would kill me. I would not want him to think he is unwanted, because he is not - I just need a break sometimes.

But even for those Moms that truly are trapped and don't want their kids, but feel they have no way out - they still wouldn't want their children to know that. What adult with any sense of caring at all would say out loud to their kids "I don't want you" ? So most parents suck it in and bury it deep inside themselves. It has only been in the past several years that there have become places like these forums that are anonymous and safe places for women (and men) to say "I'm not happy" without fear that their kids will overhear them.

A quick follow-up to my last post. I should say that it's the honesty of this thread that I find refreshing. The content is often painful to read, and many of the people participating in this thread are dealing with incredibly difficult circumstances. Their posts reveal a great deal of sorrow, but also often hope and courage. And I agree with Michelle about the importance of the anonymity aspect of these forums, particularly in terms of allowing an outlet while protecting the feelings of the kids involved.

Sophia7, You make a lot of good points. I guess it's taboo, because as Michelle said, there are feelings involved, and I guess most parents greatly hesitate in admitted something that would crush their child if heard. However, when in a safe environment, such as an anonymous one like this one, those feelings can come out. I have had women tell me that were they given the chance to do it over again, they wouldn't have children. A good friend of mine has had several women tell her the same. One lady even commented to her that she's noticed that it seems to her that so many of the &quot;really smart&quot; people are chosing to not have children! haha These were all women that were, for the most part, women we didn't have connections with, so again, they felt comfortable sharing these feelings. I find the honesty refreshing as well. It really helps to know how others feel. I'm pretty sure I don't want kids someday, but sometimes, I wonder just a little, because I know they would have the potential to bring such great joy - and bringing new life into the world would be so special. However, I'm sure that joy could often be short-lived. :) As for other sources, below are a couple good sites in case you haven't yet come across them. :) babynotonboard.com/home.html childfreebychoice.com/index.htm Oh... and if by chance you're a Christian, it's really hard to find other Christians who wish to remind childfree, but here is a forum of Christian MNKers! christianforums.com/f669/

Thanks for the extra links, DifferentKindofGirl! Especially for the Christian link -- as a Christian, I too do not have an outlet to discuss CF issues with others of faith.