BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating Will my hard work ever pay off.

There's this guy at work I like. I have done everything I can think of to attract him. I work on my figure which is very good. I wear very appropriate but nicely cut clothes to show it off. I generally wear skirts as i have good legs. I have grown my naturally blonde hair long and now I wear make-up. Last year he was quite taken by how good looking I am. I know he finds me physically attractive.I'm not the most confident in the world but after all the work I put in I know I look better than I ever did. He also requested I work with him on projects. I am very good at my job and he has noticed and praised me for it. I have a good sense of humour and make him laugh all the time. I know he likes me and I know he finds me attractive. He asks me about myself. he invites me for coffee and he touches me.We talk work, sports, politics and the arts which we are both into. we have even flirted. I have done everything all the advice suggests. He is single (at least until 2 wks ago) On Friday I pulled out all the stops and dressed to the nines at a staff meeting. On monday we are having a casual day so I've picked jeans and a sweater that accentuate my waist. Im trying so hard. Will all this work pay off.

If he's not single anymore, the best advice is to search elsewhere. You don't really need him, anyway.

i don't know if hes single or not?

Maybe I misunderstood. When I read: "He is single (at least until 2 wks ago)" I thought you meant he became involved with someone two weeks ago. Now, honestly, I think you may be looking at all this the wrong way. Relationships are not about being physically attractive enough to "catch" someone. It's about who you are on the inside, who he is, and whether or not your personalities, beliefs and interests go well enough together to form a working, lasting relationship. Instead of worrying that he won't like you unless you're drop-dead-gorgeous, pay more attention to whether he likes you for you. Does he still talk to you on days when you don't think you look your best? If he's only interested in what you look like, he's not a very good guy and not worth you wasting all that time and energy. If all that is in order, and you think the two of you might have a good chance at a lasting relationship, my next piece of advice is DON'T RUSH INTO THINGS. Date him for a long, long time. A year or more, preferably. Pay attention to how he acts towards you, towards his friends, towards strangers. Make sure he's being genuine, and not just showing off and being fake to get you to like him. Just as important, don't show off just for him. There's some fun in being your best around your love interest, but what you really want is someone who'll stick around when you're in a bad mood, or when you feel like lounging on the couch in sweats with unwashed hair and tissue between your freshly painted toes. Be yourself. If he doesn't like you for you, don't bother with him. If he does, then make sure he knows he can be himself around you... but keep your standards up. Don't settle for someone who isn't worth your time and effort, because if you do enter into a serious relationship, you will be using a lot of both.

That was great advice & so true. It's fine for people to look their best. But there is more to it than that. Thanks for sharing this wonderful advice. Judy K.

Think I could start an advice column? ;)

Thanks for all that. What you say is true. It is not all about looks. I didn't want to put everything in as it might make my message too long.maybe that was a mistake. He and I have worked in the same place for years. In the distant past he told a freind that I was very witty but she was jealous and kept us apart an I didn't know about her behaviour then. Once at a staff party he sent me a drink but I'm very shy and didn't think it was a hint. Maybr it wasn't. I was promoted two and half years ago and began working with him a bit more. He was quick to praise me and my ntelligence. he also flirted a little joking about what having me alone in his offIce would do to his reputation.I jokes back but wan't really interested in him at that stage and didn't think he was interested in me. He started asking me about myself, telling me about himself and touching meon the shoulder etc. Then he invited me ouy for coffee and lunch. I know he has such thingd with other female colleagues and its all very platonic so I can only read into it that he likes me as a colleague. He invited me and another to his house last summerand bought us lunch. He also invited me to work with him more closely and poached me from the other person I was working with. He has also encouraged me to seek promotion as he says im intelligent, hard-working and good at my job. He also tells me I'm very cheerful, which I am. When I returned from my holidays this summer i had changed my hair and upgraded my wardrobe. He was genuinely impressed. He looked at me trying to figure out how he had never realised how good looking i was. So there you have it. He thinks I'm a good worker. He finds me physically attractive. He enjoys my company. We have interests in common. he loves cinema and theatre and is always asking me about it as in conversation he discovered that im a huge cinema buff as well as a book lover like himself. he promised to lend me an obsuce dvdthe last time we spoke. now years ago i was bullied by a clique of women i work with. they were ignoring me so that i would be so grateful for their company when they spoke to me again that i wouldn't stand up for myself. it was horrible but I made the decision not to give in. for two years i had my lunch alone. now he was very close to one. she was the one i mentioned earlier. she usedto lunch with him and she dragged me along to a few of these lunches because i wasn't as attractive as her. However i made him laugh so much that she changed her lunchtimes with him so i couldn't make it. Later on she was a ringleader in the group that bullied me. Well those women were so nasty to me that i felt uncomfortable in the staffroom and used to keep my things is a work room which I wasn't supposed to do. He noticed this and told me not to leave it there. this was years ago remember. I had to go into his office. I was upset and my eyes welled but I held it in and didn't cry. I said simply "about the work room. Theres a reason why I use it and not the staffroom." He replied "I guessed as much". The issue was never mentioned again and I was promoted soon after and got my own desk. All these years as i've got to know him better I never said a bad word about those girls. He still remained close to that woman and I wondered what she said about me and if it put him off. However im a very reserved, easy going cheerful person so i hope my actions speak louder than herwords. Last friday we had a very tense staff meeting. there had been some hot and heavy emails between colleagues. those women were much at the heart of it. They were angry, pushy and irrational. They were arguing selfishly, emotionally and ignorant of the full facts. As i sat there i wondered did he finally realise that whatever she may have said about me wasn't true as she was so hard at the meeting and i maintained a dignified silence. Would that make a difference? Then to rain on my parade a colleague told me the she had heard from a very unreliable source that he was attached. I know he was single two weeks ago. i know he has been out with a bad bug a couple of days since and hasn't been feeling well but I still worry that the rumour is true. Assuming though that he is still single tell me what else can i do to get him to ask me out. On paper i've done everything right. he seems to like me alot doesn't he?

Yes, you're right, he does. It makes me physically sick to see how these grown women are acting like high school students, and I'm glad to hear you've handled it well and haven't sunk to their ridiculous level. I'm not going to write another novella here, so I'll cut to the chase: Talk to this guy, tell him honestly what you're thinking and ask him what he thinks. Most guys appreciate an honest, direct woman who doesn't play games and beat around the bush. Let me know how it goes if you do... I really feel for you and wish you all the luck in the world. Remember, though, if it goes badly, that he just wasn't right for you, and that someday you'll meet someone who deserves such an interesting, intelligent woman.

Thanks for reading my email and replying. you have made me feel alot better. I'm not the most confident person in the world so I dont see myself bringing things to a head. I did that in the past with men and it went horribly wrong on all three occasions. I suppose if he really likes me he will find a way and if he doesn't then I read him incorrectly.I'll come back if he does do anything. I appreciate your help.

Hi Aisling,

I agree with the previous poster, and I understand how office gossip can be. but, there seems to be more energy here than just what is laid out.

I do feel he does have an affection BUT there is other energy that affects the situation. It isn't so much the other women. That seems it's there, but this is a person who, unlike yourself, is an extrovert, if that makes sense?

What I get is that he has an affection for both the social and the unusual...

There is also the instinct. What I mean is that people can sense - there's just a feeling when you "want" from them. It's a fine line to walk, but I agree with the poster above, if it isn't jelling, there's something else out there.

You also have a great imagination - something I feel would be a wonderful aspect in terms of writing. So, while you were to do something along those lines, absense does make the "heart grow fonder" so to speak.

________________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Elleise's Homepage

As it happens I have published a book. its into its second edition and it relates to my profession. He is very impressed by that. He tells me i'm very smart.He is very impressed by my brains and my looks at the moment. He definitely thinkd highly of me but i'm not sure after that. He is very smooth but sometimes he gets it so wrong. Its hard to tell if under that slick exterior theres just more slick or a vein of insecurity. People always remark that he seems lonely. I think he might be looking for an ideal woman that does not exist. there may be barriers there. On Monday we had a general meeting at work and he was seated at the top desk whilst I was sitting in the front row of the auditorium but very far away to the left. he seemed to be pointed in my direction. at one stage I caught him looking at me but when I looked at him rather than acknowledge me he looked away. He seemed a little angry or at least in a bad mood when he was looking. i didn't do anything to bring that on.

That is impressive. So far I haven't made any headway with finishing my numerous book ideas. :( You may be right that he's got a Superwoman stuck in his head. That's something to consider bringing up (gently, and with lots of humor) to see if it strikes a nerve. About the meeting, that is a little strange, but I wouldn't worry about it. He was probably just thinking about work, or some personal problem. Like I said before, though, whenever you have issues or concerns about this guy, the best thing to do is to bring them to him. Ask if he was feeling all right Monday. Mentioned that he seemed stressed. He'll probably open up.

I haven't seen him since. We are in a bit of a crisis at the moment with the credit crunch and cuts are being made so ges holed up in his office. I cc'd a few messages to him on Thursday and got "what a woman" as a reply.Sounds flirty but he could send that to anyone he got on with. Its not that hes a player, its that he doesnt know how to modify his behaviour to suit recipients. He doesnt realise that he should tell everyone details of his life or that if you are flirty with all the one its aimed at wont take you seriously. He could be interested in me or possible two others or none of us and he will never make a move because none of us know that we are the one and so are playing it safe. Though I reckon he has a chance with all three as hes a nice guy, just hopeless with women.

What a situation. I don't have your patience. I couldn't go on like that! I'd confront this fella, and tell him what you just told us. You can't flirt with everybody and expect them to know when you're serious.

The thing is he has no idea any of us is even interested. If i could work his communication problems into the conversation I certainly would but I don't think people appreciate bluntness very often. i Know things are busy at work at the moment with layoffs and retrenchment but if we ever do have another personal chat I will try and be more open. Generally I don't engage in intimate conversations. Like when he said that a certain male co-worker really liked me I deflected it by saying that that guy likes every woman. He then said he wished he was like that. Again I deflected it by joking that I'm glad im not like that or my mother's worst fears would be realised. I just felt that the personal nature of his conversation was unnerving. He doesn't seem to modify his thoughts to suit situations and that is why his obvious signs of attraction can actually mean nothing.

Aisling:

Your co-worker sounds like he wants to have a friendly relationship with all of his colleagues. He�s a jovial, friendly, charming likeable guy. But he has not asked you out on a date. After years of working with you, he had every opportunity to ask you out if he wanted to. He�s had you over to his home, asked you out for coffee etc. If he wanted you as more than a friend, he would have said so. I�m concerned that you are too wrapped up in this man and his praise and approval but he does not feel the same way. I think he sees you as a good friend, someone he likes and admires, but nothing more.

When he looked at you at the meeting and he seemed cross, I�m sure that had nothing to do with you, but your mind went there first thing. This is not a good sign. I wrote this on another post. If a man leaves you wondering and obsessing over what he is thinking, then he�s not the man for you. It�s not that he is a bad person or that there is something wrong with you, it�s just not a good match. You�ve got to get over him and the sooner the better.

There are a few misconceptions here. Firstly we have worked together in the same company for years but we didn't work together. I knew him to see and he me but we never had a conversation and rarely even saw each other. we both dated other people and I presume he never gave me a second thought. I certainly never gave any thought to him. I first remarked on his attentions to me whilst I was dating someone else and I'm the sort of person who likes to focus on whom i'm dating. His attentions made me nervous. When I was single and he seemed to show an attraction for me I was very nervous because I did not feel the same way. When he invited me to his homw I was very jumpy and my body language would have indicated this. I liked him well enough at that stage and wanted to be friendly but that was it. That was last summer. The thing about working with someone who is in a position and considering what you would do if you were asked out is that it is fraught with complications. He gets constantly abused behind his back in my presence. This makes me doubt him as a good prospect. Can he be that good if I hear so much negativity about him. It can be off putting? Then i think of their spouses who are no prizes and think I shouldn't listen to people who have their own aganda. But it is hard not to be affected. To date someone in such a situation is hard. When we come back from coffee together I get sly looks and snide comments like we have been out having sex. To date under such circumstances takes certainty. I would not like to date him unless I was assured we had a good chance and I'm not sure of that though I'm more positive about it than before. It follows that he might also have the same doubts. Since I have let my doubts down a fraction there have been no real opportunities. As for getting over him, I know hoe I feel when I@m madly in love and I don't feel this way about him. I like him, i'm not sure I trust him yet or that our quirks are compatible but we do have alot in common and the fact that i'm not thoroughly emotionally attached is a blessed relief. How can you be sure than when he looked crossly at me that it had nothing to do with me? It might not have had anything to do with me and it might have everything to do with me. When some looks at you with an angry expression surely it is natural to firstly to assume you are somehow involved. Answer me this when a single man admits to being lonely and admits that he thinks you are smart, funny and goodlooking(all things he said, not that I dreamt)do you not think it is very likely that he might not think of romance. Are there so many women out there he is actually thinking, She's funny, smart, dresses well, understands my work,loves cinema animals and theatre like I do but Hey I'll just keep her as a friend and see if I can find love with someone who presumably has all those qualities as well?

Hi Aisling:

I have to add one thing about myself as I continue on. I�m a Rules woman. I think the man should court the woman and if he�s not courting then he should be considered a friend. I�ve had relationships where I was courted and had no worries and others where I obsessed over the details and intricacies of the relationship because the man left me wondering what was going on. From having experienced both scenarios I choose to be courted and I recommend it for other women. Being courted means that they man comes right out and asks you for your phone number, for a date, to make a commitment etc, and it means no guess work for you. You don�t have to do anything, except show up being your fantastic self.

You are right I don't KNOW what is on your friend's mind. No one does except for him and that�s the point. Unless he tells you it�s all speculation and that�s what concerns me about this situation. I feel that you are giving it so much energy thinking of the evidence , the twists and turns of what he does what he doesn�t do, when you don�t have any hard facts. He compliments you, but has not asked you out on a date. When he gave you a cross look during a meeting he didn�t follow it up with an explanation etc. So you don�t really KNOW anything. Well you do know one thing. He likes you a lot as a friend. And good friends are rare and hard to find.

You�ve worked very hard on improving yourself�and you should be commended--so crowd out all thoughts of him and continue to focus on YOU. As the saying goes: you're worth it.