BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating Will my hard work ever pay off.

As it happens I have published a book. its into its second edition and it relates to my profession. He is very impressed by that. He tells me i'm very smart.He is very impressed by my brains and my looks at the moment. He definitely thinkd highly of me but i'm not sure after that. He is very smooth but sometimes he gets it so wrong. Its hard to tell if under that slick exterior theres just more slick or a vein of insecurity. People always remark that he seems lonely. I think he might be looking for an ideal woman that does not exist. there may be barriers there. On Monday we had a general meeting at work and he was seated at the top desk whilst I was sitting in the front row of the auditorium but very far away to the left. he seemed to be pointed in my direction. at one stage I caught him looking at me but when I looked at him rather than acknowledge me he looked away. He seemed a little angry or at least in a bad mood when he was looking. i didn't do anything to bring that on.

That is impressive. So far I haven't made any headway with finishing my numerous book ideas. :( You may be right that he's got a Superwoman stuck in his head. That's something to consider bringing up (gently, and with lots of humor) to see if it strikes a nerve. About the meeting, that is a little strange, but I wouldn't worry about it. He was probably just thinking about work, or some personal problem. Like I said before, though, whenever you have issues or concerns about this guy, the best thing to do is to bring them to him. Ask if he was feeling all right Monday. Mentioned that he seemed stressed. He'll probably open up.

I haven't seen him since. We are in a bit of a crisis at the moment with the credit crunch and cuts are being made so ges holed up in his office. I cc'd a few messages to him on Thursday and got "what a woman" as a reply.Sounds flirty but he could send that to anyone he got on with. Its not that hes a player, its that he doesnt know how to modify his behaviour to suit recipients. He doesnt realise that he should tell everyone details of his life or that if you are flirty with all the one its aimed at wont take you seriously. He could be interested in me or possible two others or none of us and he will never make a move because none of us know that we are the one and so are playing it safe. Though I reckon he has a chance with all three as hes a nice guy, just hopeless with women.

What a situation. I don't have your patience. I couldn't go on like that! I'd confront this fella, and tell him what you just told us. You can't flirt with everybody and expect them to know when you're serious.

The thing is he has no idea any of us is even interested. If i could work his communication problems into the conversation I certainly would but I don't think people appreciate bluntness very often. i Know things are busy at work at the moment with layoffs and retrenchment but if we ever do have another personal chat I will try and be more open. Generally I don't engage in intimate conversations. Like when he said that a certain male co-worker really liked me I deflected it by saying that that guy likes every woman. He then said he wished he was like that. Again I deflected it by joking that I'm glad im not like that or my mother's worst fears would be realised. I just felt that the personal nature of his conversation was unnerving. He doesn't seem to modify his thoughts to suit situations and that is why his obvious signs of attraction can actually mean nothing.

Aisling:

Your co-worker sounds like he wants to have a friendly relationship with all of his colleagues. He�s a jovial, friendly, charming likeable guy. But he has not asked you out on a date. After years of working with you, he had every opportunity to ask you out if he wanted to. He�s had you over to his home, asked you out for coffee etc. If he wanted you as more than a friend, he would have said so. I�m concerned that you are too wrapped up in this man and his praise and approval but he does not feel the same way. I think he sees you as a good friend, someone he likes and admires, but nothing more.

When he looked at you at the meeting and he seemed cross, I�m sure that had nothing to do with you, but your mind went there first thing. This is not a good sign. I wrote this on another post. If a man leaves you wondering and obsessing over what he is thinking, then he�s not the man for you. It�s not that he is a bad person or that there is something wrong with you, it�s just not a good match. You�ve got to get over him and the sooner the better.

There are a few misconceptions here. Firstly we have worked together in the same company for years but we didn't work together. I knew him to see and he me but we never had a conversation and rarely even saw each other. we both dated other people and I presume he never gave me a second thought. I certainly never gave any thought to him. I first remarked on his attentions to me whilst I was dating someone else and I'm the sort of person who likes to focus on whom i'm dating. His attentions made me nervous. When I was single and he seemed to show an attraction for me I was very nervous because I did not feel the same way. When he invited me to his homw I was very jumpy and my body language would have indicated this. I liked him well enough at that stage and wanted to be friendly but that was it. That was last summer. The thing about working with someone who is in a position and considering what you would do if you were asked out is that it is fraught with complications. He gets constantly abused behind his back in my presence. This makes me doubt him as a good prospect. Can he be that good if I hear so much negativity about him. It can be off putting? Then i think of their spouses who are no prizes and think I shouldn't listen to people who have their own aganda. But it is hard not to be affected. To date someone in such a situation is hard. When we come back from coffee together I get sly looks and snide comments like we have been out having sex. To date under such circumstances takes certainty. I would not like to date him unless I was assured we had a good chance and I'm not sure of that though I'm more positive about it than before. It follows that he might also have the same doubts. Since I have let my doubts down a fraction there have been no real opportunities. As for getting over him, I know hoe I feel when I@m madly in love and I don't feel this way about him. I like him, i'm not sure I trust him yet or that our quirks are compatible but we do have alot in common and the fact that i'm not thoroughly emotionally attached is a blessed relief. How can you be sure than when he looked crossly at me that it had nothing to do with me? It might not have had anything to do with me and it might have everything to do with me. When some looks at you with an angry expression surely it is natural to firstly to assume you are somehow involved. Answer me this when a single man admits to being lonely and admits that he thinks you are smart, funny and goodlooking(all things he said, not that I dreamt)do you not think it is very likely that he might not think of romance. Are there so many women out there he is actually thinking, She's funny, smart, dresses well, understands my work,loves cinema animals and theatre like I do but Hey I'll just keep her as a friend and see if I can find love with someone who presumably has all those qualities as well?

Hi Aisling:

I have to add one thing about myself as I continue on. I�m a Rules woman. I think the man should court the woman and if he�s not courting then he should be considered a friend. I�ve had relationships where I was courted and had no worries and others where I obsessed over the details and intricacies of the relationship because the man left me wondering what was going on. From having experienced both scenarios I choose to be courted and I recommend it for other women. Being courted means that they man comes right out and asks you for your phone number, for a date, to make a commitment etc, and it means no guess work for you. You don�t have to do anything, except show up being your fantastic self.

You are right I don't KNOW what is on your friend's mind. No one does except for him and that�s the point. Unless he tells you it�s all speculation and that�s what concerns me about this situation. I feel that you are giving it so much energy thinking of the evidence , the twists and turns of what he does what he doesn�t do, when you don�t have any hard facts. He compliments you, but has not asked you out on a date. When he gave you a cross look during a meeting he didn�t follow it up with an explanation etc. So you don�t really KNOW anything. Well you do know one thing. He likes you a lot as a friend. And good friends are rare and hard to find.

You�ve worked very hard on improving yourself�and you should be commended--so crowd out all thoughts of him and continue to focus on YOU. As the saying goes: you're worth it.