BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage If you could change one thing about your marriage

Oh, okay. I read your previous posts. Truly, the main problem is not a lack of sex life. Diminished sex life is usually a symptom of other problems in a relationship.

You are dealing with a lot of issues here:

1. Abuse. Listen, if her father molested his granddaughter, you can bet that he molested his daughter (your wife) as well. I have experience here that shows many adult women have been abused by their fathers but they repress it. They live with that knowledge but it surfaces in other ways (namely sexual dysfunction later in life.) I know, on a personal level, several women who seem to have had a perfect childhood with continuing "normal" family relationships with the men who abused them horribly for years.

2. Emotional problems. Depression definitely shuts down a woman's libido. Men use sex as a way to boost their seratonin levels and feel better. Women can't get to the point where they want to have sex at all.

3. Financial struggles. The very problem that breaks up most marriages will put a huge damper on her urge for sex. She may or may not blame you or harbor resentful feelings.

4. Empty nest. Her mothering role has changed drastically and it takes time to adjust.

5. Menopause. This alone doesn't end sexual desire, but the changing hormone levels do affect her moods.

Before you can expect a better sex life, you have to deal with the unstable emotional/hormonal/chemical balances within both of you. There are counselors who offer services free or on a sliding scale as well a pharmacies who provide meds (I saw that Kristen already posted the link for the one recommended by Dr. Phil.)

Things you can do right away to help:

1. Stop asking for sex for now.
2. Exercise. Both of you need to exercise (after getting your doctor's ok) in order to pump endorphins through your body and brain. It's a natural depression/anxiety remedy. I can't stress this enough. If there is one panacea, it is exercise! You may not need medication, if you exercise regularly and hard enough to increase your heart rate.
3. Eat healthful foods. Eliminate caffeine (reduce the anxiety), alcohol or nicotine. Drink plenty of water. Dehydration causes a lot of surprising emotional problems.
4. Show affection and touch without the demand for sex. She will reject touches at first because she expects you'll demand sex afterward. Hug her a lot.
5. Work on yourself. Just as depression is contagious, so is happiness and joy. Exercise, try to focus on what is going well in your life. Work to improve your finances in a positive and hopeful way.
6. Send her to a doctor for a check up about the menopause symptoms as well as the depression.

I know you need sex and that sex would solve a lot of problems for you. But a woman doesn't work that way and it sounds like she has a lot to work through. If you can't afford couples counseling, send her alone. It sounds like she has to work through some sexual abuse issues which will definitely affect your sex life. It will take time and patience which, fortunately, it seems you have.

Many men share your exact--and I mean exact--situation. They are patiently working with counselors to help their wives. Their wives are very fortunate.

We're here to listen and help when we can. Let me know what you think of the suggestions and if they will or will not work for you.

The one and only change would be something way out of my league. It's all up to God and that would be to have a more spiritual hubbie. He loves and reverances God and that has been good enough to keep us together so far. Other than that, I'm with Mrs. Kassie. We have been together since HS and we love one another to death (okay?). He is my best friend and I his. I never feel in competition to anyone or any thing. He calls me throughout the day to check in and say I love you. Helps me stay on this new target of losing a few gained pounds even gives me break away from kidz when he gets home sometimes.

We do a lot together, including talking to one another about everything. We spend quality time as a family and that is so important in a family. We eat dinner together and listen to one another's woes. He wipes my tears and fulfills my desires from one day to another. It's not easy, as women are such complex creatures, to have a husband willing to bend over backwards and meet you half way, when needed but thank God I've been blessed to have one just like that.

The topper is our sex life (blush) and that is where I end my talk about my kind, sweet and did I mention extremely handsome hubbie? Thanks for the inquiry Lori.

Happy wives need to speak out more! You are inspiring!

I'm with Kimmie, though, because I do wish my husband were more spiritual. I can deal with the computer obsession (it's his work, too, after all) but I really, really, really wish he would seek God more actively.

But everyone has his own path to walk and his own timeline.

And, other than that, we have a great marriage. We're very close (best friends and best lovers) and we still act like kids in love. We still laugh, daydream and discuss the world situation. He never leaves without giving me a kiss and when he walks through the door, the first thing he does is find me to give me another. And he hugs and kisses me throughout the day and night, too.

I feel so blessed to be with my soul mate.

Lori, we are very blessed.