BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Total strangers' assumptions (kinda long)

A while back, my husband and I were in the mall (we live in a small town in the midwest � not recommended for the child-free), and there was a kid (a little girl, I believe) in this little play area they have screaming just as high-pitched and loudly as her little lungs could. We couldn't even hear each other talk. So finally, as we were walking into the store where we were headed, and the girl let out another bloodcurdling peal, he finally snapped and yelled "Shut up!" at no one in particular, just kind of up at the ceiling. He didn't yell it at the girl or the girl's parents (who I assume were there, just not controlling their offspring).

I kind of said, "SHH!" but I'll admit, I was laughing just because I was taken aback by his outburst. (He later told me "Sorry. I kind of snapped." But I'll come back to that.) Anyway, this woman who was in the store of course heard us and was kind of laughing, too. He or I (not sure anymore who) made some comment, I think about how an otherwise quiet wing of the mall, next to a restaurant, was a silly place to have a playland.

Now, here's my main complaint: This woman, who neither of us knew, goes, "Oh, just wait till you have kids."

She and my husband said a few more things (I won't go into details), and we went on our way. Yes, he snapped. But after I thought about it, I decided it was right that he snapped. How did this woman know that we didn't already have children? For all she knew, we weren't ABLE to have children. She didn't know. That's the problem. I have defended our decision to not have kids to dozens of people. Most of them more than once, sadly. To people at church, work, home, some friends, even, people who INSIST that once we're in our 30s we'll change our minds (we're already in our late 20s) ....Truthfully, it gets exhausting. And this woman just assumes that we'll have kids just because we're married. I don't even know how she could have been sure we WERE married. Yet she assumed. Because that's what people do. Boys and girls are supposed to grow up, settle down, get married, and have kids. Well, what the heck's wrong with just settling down, getting married, and stopping???

I hate that I live in a place (world, town, society, whatever) where everyone assumes that everyone wants the same things. I love my life. I LOVE it. Yes, we've gone through some tough things, and yes, things don't always go as planned. But why "fix" with what's not broken? Why is it SO horrible that I'm satsified and HAPPY and feel complete without having kids? Why is this such a tragedy? Are their lives so empty that the only thing they think can fulfill them is to have a child? I find that sad.

Hi SisterDino,

I completely understand you. When there are screaming kids in a restaurant it is so difficult to act like they are not there. My husband at times would roll his eyes and whisper shut up when the noise gets unbearable. I am nervous that someone would hear and get defensive about his remark. I have asked my husband to never express his feeling about the noise children make in public when others can hear. I guess I just don't want a confrontation with parents or caregivers. You will never win the argument so why even go there.

Giselle

I completely understand you. When there are screaming kids in a restaurant it is so difficult to act like they are not there.

Giselle [/quote

What about at wedding ceremonies or funerals? Especially when the parent tries to shush the kid instead of leaving the room. I have a very difficult time not screaming "Get that 'freakin' kid out of here!!

Me, too! Can the parent really not tell that their child is disrupting the service? Or do they think it's cute? That's what really infuriates me. I know kids aren't going to be happy all the time, but when a kid is screaming or throwing a tantrum or whatever and the parents laugh like they think it's precious, it just eggs the kid on. The parents don't ever stop to think that while they may find their kid just insanely adorable, the rest of us just might think it's annoying. And we're the selfish ones. Ha!

I have kids - and i can't stand when kids get out of hand! My kids are older now (21,18 and 15) but when they were younger - there were rules when we were out in public - if they even started - we would leave - and they knew that. Same thing in the car/vehicle - if they started fooling around - i would stop the car - discipline them - and then move on. Often i had friends ask me if i pinched them (no i didn't) but they knew what the rules were. I've had TONS of friends kids who really irritate me - and even family's kids nieces-nephews etc. Spoiled rotten kids drive me bendy! My husband and i were shopping for xmas stuff - at a mall around here by ourselves - our kids RARELY like to shop with us - (just give them the money and let them go on their own now) - anyways - i was in a bookstore - READING a book - and this woman and daughter were 'discussing' that she couldn't get another book. The little girl was around 5ish - and the woman looked about my age (40's) - she stood there and 'rationed' on all the reasons she couldn't have the book. My husband looked up at me and mouthed - don't - because he knew i was going to say something. So i said to the lady - a simple no at that age is enough! She didn't like it - told me i was #1 and walked away. My husband and i laughed our .... off! Really - come on! You can't rationalize with a 5 year old!!!!! People really -

But that's the frustrating thing. My parents never let us scream our heads off in public. If we even coughed in church we got "the glare" and we knew anything else would get us a spanking! I cannot imagine the running around and screaming I used to see regularly when I waitressed at a restaurant in my early 20s...if I even said something loudly we would have left the restaurant immediately. And furthermore, none of my parents' friends let their kids run wild either. Other people would glare at you and that would shut you up! It helps that we're immigrants I suppose...there's always the pressure to look good in front of the white families! I've never met a kid from our culture who was not perfectly disciplined in front of strangers. Nowadays people are way more tolerant, don't seem to notice or care when their kids act out. Worse, they often justify it with "Kids are supposed to have fun." I was at a formal reception last week and there were two kids there who were running around screaming. And one of the women (not related to these kids) said, "That's what kids are supposed to do." What, run around knocking people's drinks out of their hands?

I am also sick of total strangers' assumptions when (as I have written in another post today) my parents seem accepting of the decision not to have kids. With my parents' example, if I were to have kids I am positive they would be well-behaved, so I don't buy the "wait till you have kids" thing anyway. That's what is so frustrating about the whole thing!

The assumptions are annoying. We all know what we do when we assume, right? Yet people do it all the time. I once had a coworker to whom I told more than once that I did not want to have kids. He would talk about his own kids ad nauseum and think that everyone in the world wanted kids. I said one time that I was "child-free by choice". His response to this was "and you've been married for how long?" (I am not married and he KNEW this). So of course, I said "I am not married," To which he replied "When you get married is when all of that stuff starts to happen." OMG!! For one thing, last I checked, you don't have to be married to get pregnant! And for another, doesn't he realize that prospective husbands would be screened on that basis if I was adamant about not having kids?

andifabulous, I don't know how you restrained yourself from knocking that jerk to the ground?! The hair on the back of my neck stood up just from reading your story. Aargh.

And I like how he frames it, "...all of that stuff starts to happen." It's a clue to how excited he was about having kids...he just sees it as inevitable once you're hitched. Maybe he's even jealous of your choice! I (having been married five years) don't see how getting married changes that much...except other people's perceptions! If you want kids you do; if you don't you don't...getting married doesn't change these desires.

That is just the Worse when people say that or anything like that! I hate it when people I don't really even know me act like they know what I want out of life and think that everyone wants the same thing as they do. Most of the time when they say that kind of stuff it is like they are saying they know more, are better than you, blah blah.

Kind of off subject, but last night we were watching VH1 while we were eating dinner. They had a history of heavy metal music on, so we were watching stuff about all of the bands we loved. Almost every commercial break was a Wal-Mart commercial advertising Guitar Hero and had all these little kids playing and important family time. I said, "Dammit, why are there advertisments with little kids on during MY heavy metal show?!" My fiance very kindly said, "DUH! All the people who listened to this music are married with kids now!" I guess I forgot for a moment that not everyone is like us either.