BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Struggling with the Childfree Decision

Carleen,

I wanted to respond to your concern about being alone later in life if you don't have a child. I had two great-grandparents who lived to a ripe old age, and they both had several children. And they both spent most of their time alone near the end of their lives.

I told my great-grandmother's story in another thread, so I don't want to bore everyone with it again, but I'll give a quick recap. She outlived two of her children, and her third child lived about 2000 miles away from her. Great-grandma ended up in a nursing home that was several hours away from most of the rest of the extended family. Consequently, visitors were few and far between.

My great-grandfather had a similar experience in that most of his children were hundreds (if not thousands) of miles away near the end of his life. However, with his situation, his mind was so far gone that he didn't recognize any of us when we did visit.

I have also met enough people who were either estranged from their parents or who were not competent to look after their parents in old age, so that I realize having children is no guarantee that someone will be there for you when you are old.

My plan is to continue connecting with friends and extended family throughout my life; participate in volunteer work for as long as I am able; be a mentor when I can.

I used to work in the medical field and many times I saw elderly patients whose (adult) children very seldom came to visit, so I wouldn't count on that. Now-a-days people get jobs all over the world , therefore elderly parents shouldn't expect their off-spring to look after them.

Respectfully,
A very content childfree gal

LoveChildFree, Well put....I wouldn't have thought about it that way. Maybe I can use that next time the feeling crops up. I am confident in the decision, but I think right now, I'm young and a feel more of the "peer pressure" specifically from my mom, but I'm also surrounded by pregnant women.... Thanks for the input!

Iris, I can definitely understand your concerns about getting older. That is something we all must do. However as LoveChildFree stated, there are tons of opportunities to connect with others, become involved in your community etc.

I know it may sound strange, but sometimes having a baby can make you feel lonelier than you ever felt when you really were alone--especially if you don't have very much family nearby. So either way, try to expand your idea of family. I have a childfree friend who is Godmother to her friends three children and she's very actively involved in their lives. They call her "Mama" and I'm sure they will remember and love her forever.

creamPie and LoveChildFree ... you have helped me a lot with some of the feelings I've been having lately. Right now my hubby and I are going through the decision on who's gonna "get fixed". We both decided to give it a couple more years. I have health issues that (if I were to get preggers) would make my life a living hell. I also have absolutely no support network (no parents or relatives on either side) in the city I currently live. Needless to say I've researched the cost of childcare ... and it's astronomical (plus the waiting list to take infants is huge, so my best plan is a day or live-in nanny .. $$$$$!). I have to say I'm not 100% against children, yet, and as such my OB/GYN said that I should put off the decision until we BOTH are 100%. My hubby does kinda want children, but not 100%, and he's always said he won't force that decision on me if my health can't handle it. Mostly what has had me worried WAS about care in my old age. I'm first-generation Canadian (my Mom was born in Europe), so my extended family has always been very close and it's rather assumed that I would take care of my Mom & Dad in their old age (as it is in the "old country"). That's not for another 10 years or so, which puts me (probably) out of my child-bearing years. However, who's to say my own child would be as accommodating? Very good points were made here, and has helped ease a few of my fears about growing old without having had children.

Sorry this may be abit long, but I think worth the read: In case you need more testimonies of childrens reliabity regarding take care of you when you are old: My grandmother had 9+ children. Some died in thier childhood (not included in the 9) others died as adults-as did many of her grandchildren: my first cousins (long before she did)she was 104 when she died. Among the 9 children were more than 30 grandchildren. I visited my grandmother in the village ( I am African) where she was living in a cluster home-like set up, with two of her sons, who had never left home,but had both married. One of those children had had 14+ children. My granny was living in a dinjy dark little hut, NO LIGHT whatsoever... I could never find my way around that hut, infact I could barely see my own hand. She did EVERYTHING herself, she would go out and look for firewood, come in with tiney pits of stick which she would then use to light a fire and cook "something" (I chose to eat without questioning). It was very sad indeed, even for me at that age (10 or so) I could tell she had gotten a raw deal. I visted her for about a week, and in that entire time, not a single soul came to see her. It was heartbreaking. I know for sure that even in an African setting: where it is on the greater part considered to be the ideal enviroment for family, even then it is no guarantee. My Grams was the lovliest person ever.... never angry never judgemental... so I can't even say that its because she was nasty that noone visted her. We just couldn't because we live quite far... and my mom, because she had us, had to make trips every now and again. My grandmother would only visit every now and again, but she would not last too long, because she always wanted to be back in her hut. I think she didn't like to feel like she was in the way. So unless you are willing to bear all... and expect nothing in return, then be pleasantly surpsied when it does happen, then it may not be the wisest reason to launch into parenthood. I have found that a considerable number of people who want to have children just do. "just because...." and they may be no particular consideration of the pros and cons. Which is great for them, but for those of us who are really not that way inclined then legitimate easoning based on actual reality needs to be excercised. On the other hand many have gone into it, with no particular yearning to, and still did fine. I really wish you all the best in your descision, it can be quite overwelming, and I have come across people who have taken years to come to the descision, and some who eventually didn't even eventually have to chose as other things took over... that rendered them no longer in the admirable posistion to chose. Good luck Kreeny80, there is no substitue for information.

Hi all, I'm a newbie and I'm so happy I found this website! I can see I'm not alone and there are so many other women deciding not to have children. Just like the op, I'm also struggling with having or not a child. I'm 35 and feel like I must make a decision soon. My husband is ok either way, which doesn't help because the decision is basically for me to take! This has become so worrisome and I cry and cry a lot because I'm so torn and I have no idea if I want a child or not. This is so hard because up until 2 years ago, I assumed I would naturally want a child but now that I think of it, I don't think I want to!! But then I question whether I will regret it later in life (when I won't physically be able to have anymore). If I was CLEAR whether I want children or not, I wouln't be torturing myself like this. Also, if my husband was 100% he wanted kids, it would help because it would influence my decision....help!! I cry so much, this is torture.

It's not much help, but I don't feel there is a right or wrong answer -- just what you feel is right for you. I'm a mother, and always wanted to be one. Would love to have had more (I just managed to get pregnant twice, 2nd time lost it almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant.) I used to cry because I thought I would never have one.

That said, if it isn't right for you, DON'T have a child. It is a wonderful experience -- if you want it, but also a lot of lost sleep, hard work, constant questioning of the path you took, did you do the right thing with this or that, am I totally screwing up my kid because of X, Y and Z.

When I was in high school, the message I seemed to feel from society was "You MUST have it all -- career, family" -- the "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan" bit. I felt guilty because I wanted to be a f/t mom, not send my kid (I was projecting into the future -- my ds was born when I was 30, well past high school!) to daycare, but society was telling me something else. But what society was telling me wasn't what was right for me.

So -- you have the hard job of figuring out what YOU want, not what society is telling you.

gullivera

I wish I could help, but I have NEVER had a maternal feeling in my life (I'm past the age of having kids, now). I'm happily married and extremely happy to be childfree.

We have loved the ability to do spur of the moment things all or life, like travel, etc, etc., and being able to afford it. Many childed folks don't have this luxury.

And now with recent retirement,we can do more of the same.

I wish you luck in your choice, whatever it may be. Be very cautious in the decision 'cause it's for a lifetime.

Think about this : it's a very serious comittment and 18 yrs of your life dedicated to a very difficult, demanding JOB.