BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Dating a widower

I thought this would be the best place to ask for some help since I'm assuming someone on this site has lost a spouse. I had a very good friend of mine that passed away about two years ago from cancer - she was only 43. The day before she died she hugged me goodbye and said she hoped that one day I would find someone that would make me happy - I was divorced. A year after she passed I began dating her husband. He is a wonderful man and although I was very close to his wife, I never really knew him that well. It has been two years since she passed and he talks about getting married in the future. He still has her voice on his answering machine, every picture is still up and my fear is that I am just a filler for him - that he really doesn't love me. I loved my friend so much - I can't ask him to take her voice off or take down pictures on the other hand where do I fit in? Will I ever fit in? I would love to hear from someone who has been through this.

[b][/b]Hi, I have not been in your situation but I think I can see how its going. I don't think this man has moved on enough, it sounds like he is still so attached to her that it would not be fair to you; possibly he doesn't even really know you, just that he's familiar with you, and you probably comfort him because he knows you knew his dear wife. If you marry this man you should be first in his life, not second. Is it possible to have a frank discussion about this with him? It might help him to see things properly. Good luck to you! God bless.

I am a widower and my wife passed away about 2 yrs plus. I met up with a lady and is still going steady. In the past, I used to keep my late wife photos even to the extend that they were displayed prominently around the house, in my laptop etc until my steady brought it up to my attention that I had to let go completely for her to feel comfortably with me.
Glad that I took her advise as I did not mind doing it since I may have found the true love. We respect each other and I think I should be fair to her that she does not feel second best and neither should I give her the impression that it was the case.
So, my all reasonable means, you could lovingly bring up the subject and let him know about your feelings. If he treasure your relationship, he would gladly do it to move to the next stage of affirmation.
Cheers...

Newbies, welcome to the forum, hope that yous enjoy your stay!
Rosie

Thank you so much for you thoughts. I do worry that he's not ready - maybe wants to be but isn't. I think the truth is that I will never know unless we discuss it. My other concern are his children - I have known them for years and just don't have the heart to ask him to replace pictures of their mom with me!! I feel I owe it to my friend to keep her alive as much as possilbe for her kids. I try to put myself in her position and think about what I would want. I would hope that my husbands new wife would sacrifice enough to make the transition easy for my children.

I also feel pressure from mutual friends. I am from a small town and many are still grieving from their loss. Some days I feel like I'm the enemy to all. Everyone has put her on a padistal and I'm the intruder in his life. Maybe that's why I try to be extra careful.

Longer response than I thought.

It was intersting reading your response - coming from a widower. Do you have children? How are they responding to your new relationship? How did they respond when pictures were coming down?

I do need to talk to him about it. It is the craziest thing - it is so painful for me to bring it up. As I said in my reponse to another post - I feel guilty asking him to do this - yet I am not living the truth if I don't.

Just last night he talked again about getting married and the thought is that I would move into his house - their house. My greatest concern if that if I don't discuss this with him now, I'll resent him in the future for him just not doing it on his own. I will never feel that he truley loves me.

This may be the craziest question but it was one of my first thoughts when we started dating. His wife was creemated and is in their church. The kids really wanted her to be placed in the cemetary and he was going to get plots for the two of them. We had been dating for for about six months at the time he told me this and I started to cry and said - what about me? Where will I go? Even at death I'm worried he won't be with me!!

It means a lot to read your thoughts. We've been dating for a year and half. There's not one thing in his house, work, or anywhere else that has a picture of us together - it's still his wife. I do have a picure of us together, I'm going to frame it and give it to him today.

Thanks!!

This is awesome! Welcome to this forum, ABSOLUTELY the place for these discussions.

PLease let these people know that taking the pictures of the deceased down in NO way dishonors them. You, in return, should make sure one picture of the deceased stays in a neutral location - not the bedroom or kitchen, for example. Maybe family room? Other photos should be given to the kids. Make an appointment with a photographer to have a portrait of the two of you taken. Make sure you both have wallet sizes.

your feelings of not being able to commit until the deceased is less prominant are valid. both of you should attend a grif support group, and I mean now. tremendous healing can happen for both of you.

the kids are gonna be weird - that's their job. an excellent point was made in asking them if they want their surviving parent to be happy or lonely.if the kids can't accept it and back off for a while, so be it. this is THEIR problem, not yours. remain open to them, and wait for them to come around. it will help to know that their deceased parent wanted you to be happy. they may need an age appropriate grief group, too.

regarding burial spaces - in our heads, we think our concerns are silly. after all, we won't know where we're buried, and we'll be in a place that it doesn't matter. i would encourage you to look at the feelings behind it. if you give your all to this new relationship, you want to be sure you're in his top ten of priorities. this is probably left over from your divorce? this is why a grief group (death of your marriage) is a good idea for you too. apparently, you both have old baggage to check.

keep writing! I applaud you all.

Jaci

I am a widow. Honestly, I feel he should do it himself.

My case - I dated after my husband passed on. Even men that were divorced sometimes had pictures of them and their ex-wives around. Not once did I ask for them to take the pictures/momentos down, but I also left those "relationships" in a hurry.

I took pictures of my husband down when I was ready and not before, but I also didn't start dating until I did that.

There is a lot of sadness in your posts. Perhaps you should try to look elsewhere for someone.

I dated a widowed person about 3 years ago. What was bad was the length of time they had known each other -- they had been next door neighbors since kindergarden until they married -- then that went about 35 years. Talk about mating for life -- doves had nothing on them!
He is a good friend now but there's no sense in dating him. We or I moved on.

Four children, two mid twenties, 19 & 17 (2 elder girls & 2 boys). Only the boys stay with me. Started redating since Apr 2006 and found my steady, a divorcee with young children about two months later. My strategy, invited her parents for lunch 8 months later for the purpose of knowing them but shockingly they mistook that I was about to ask for their daughter in marriage...ha..ha.. Later, a few months, we went to consult a professional psychologist over a period of 6 months to examine the pros and cons of blending families etc. Only her two young children and ourselves were involved. My kids are pretty mature and they just wanted me to be happy. We discussed in details our own expectations; our likes; dislikes; her ex.; financial arrangement; raising children from two different family background; holiday; etc....

We have our own reservations and we always 'think'. We need to discuss it together and table it out before the final commitment. He needs to hear from you, your feelings, expectations etc... In the same way, you need to hear him out about the photos etc...Mutual respect is very critical if the marriage is going to work. Seek professional help to assist both of you to have a candid and open discussion and at the same time hear out from the professional who could share with you the success stories of true life stories of blended families.

I struggled abit when I was requested to remove my late wife photos. Took me about 5 months to totally remove any traces of her photos hanging on the wall, photo frames at home, from computer screensaver etc. Just kept it in my albums and inside the computer hard discs. But I am glad I did that because I wanted to let my steady know that she is the potential one that could fulfill our lives together. We are still working and are happy that it is going well at the moment.

I am a open person and I did discuss about the possibility of having my burial together with my late wife in the same tomb. Imagined her great disappointment and sadness just like you. Maybe, if it is all possible, there could be a possibility of having all three bury together. Thinking out loud..ha..ha.. But I think, the most approriate method is to have separate burial ground if I ever commit to remarry again.

Be tenderly brave and discuss it openly and frankly. Seek professional help as it would involve very complex blending families and relationship. Cheers...