BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Philosophy On Self-Love...

Cara:

That is a very lucky dog and I bet he is appreciative too.

I understand about the overloading yourself. I use to be a type A personality. I found it hard to even sit down at night before bed, always felt like I needed to be doing something. These days, I'm a huge slacker But since it's me and my adult daughter in the home I don't feel the need to take care of everything and everyone now.
I learned to let go of the "shoulds and need to's".

You know... You talk about volunteering, but you already are really. You volunteer your time to this forum, and you volunteer your time to your dog, who would not be alive if not for you.And I am sure you volunteer your time to many others.
We don't always have to volunteer in a big way, just need to recognize the little times that we do.

It reminds me of my favorite Buddhist story, you've probably heard it, but it says so much...

A Buddhist monk and his student were walking along a beach one morning after a particularly strong storm the night before. The Monk was teaching the very adept student. Normally the student was attentive and easy to teach, but on this particular day he couldn't hold the students attention. There had been thousands of starfish washed up on the beach from the storm and as the Monk talked the student would turn, pick up a starfish and throw it back in the ocean. After many times of doing this the Monk became frutrated. He said "My son, look upon this beach, there are thousands of starfish for as far as the eye can see. There is no way you can make a difference."
The student smiled, picked up another starfish and threw it back in the ocean. he turned to the Monk and said, "It made a difference to that one."

We all want to do big things that make a big difference, but it is all the little differences that add up. If we try to make a difference to those who cross our path, that is more than enough.
I heard a quote once, and I don't remember who said it.
" A life that touches even one other life is a life that has been worth living."

It is the tough times that show our true merit.. and our true weaknesses. Odd how that works huh? I guess thats why we learn from them. We find out more about ourselves with each hurdle.

Bylen

Well in answering your original question I learned to finally have forgiveness for myself. For the longest time I was down on myself and lived with a lot of self-loathing and depression because I felt like I let my family down because I lost a high-paying job that I hoped to retire from one day. I finally had to take a serious inventory of my new quality of living and give myself permission to "let it go." That was after years though. But when I did finally make a decision to endorse my new renewed and healthier lifestyle for both myself and my family it seemed like a dark tunnel opened up to a bright way of living on the other side of the previous 9-5 madness. I now count my blessings that I can create my art and write without guilt and without my pager going off with employees calling in sick to work and it being my responsibility to find replacements. The lower level of stress has engulfed me and I don't look back to what I left. I forgave myself for the lost income and endorsed my uniqueness. My husband does, so why beat myself up about it every day of my existence. I find value in writing, painting photography, jewelry making and being a wife and mother. Forgiveness in yourself is a biggy and I think I've finally mastered it!

I too had all the guilt and unforgiveness for myself you talked about. It's funny how someone can lecture you on something and you don't get it, but the right simple sentence from someone can click and make all the difference. I had a friend tell me.. "No one is kicking your [censored], but you. Stop it!"
Why that one sentence hit home I have no idea. But it changed my way of thinking.
But it was after my wreck that I truly started forgiving myself.
I think it goes back to expectation.. what you think others expect from you and trying to live up to that. The guilt comes from within because we think we don't live up to that expectation. The truth is we women usually set that expectation so high we never reach it, and then feel bad when we don't.
Some of the reason is societal too I think. I heard someone on the radio the other day make the statement... "All families are matriarchial (sp?)"
I thought long and hard about that and I think it's true. It is the woman that makes everything run on an even keel. The husband takes the garbage out, works, and does the maintanance etc., but all that is really a "helpmate" to the woman. She is basically the supervisor of the faimly. " Kids, clean your room, Honey you need to go by the bank tomorrow. Tommy has football practice at 5pm, can you drive him there? As well as making sure everyone has clean clothes to wear, is fed etc."

And I think it is about responsibility more than how much you do and how much someone else in the family does. You can deligate chores to others, but in the end it seems to be the woman who is responsible for seeng it gets done. In the end it falls on her shoulders.
Thats a lot to live up to and I'm not sure that the guilt we sometimes feel is all our own.We take it on along with the responsibility that probably should also be deligated out. But it is very hard to turn loose of that responsibility or get someone else to take it.

I use to try to live up to that, I was the perfect wife/mother, with the perfectly clean house. I was unhappy, and had no quality time for my husband or daughter.
I turned it all loose, freed myself from my own expectations. Now my house isn't so clean. I look at it and think "I really should clean." Then I smile and go take a long walk in the woods, or play a game with my daughter. I know now.. the house can wait... life can't.
Turning loose of the guilt and allowing myself to enjoy life has been the most liberating thing I have ever done for myself.
I have no one to answer to, but myself.

Bylen

I believe that the key to fulfillment and the beginning of a productive life is an unconditional self love. Love the good and the bad parts. When we can't seem to remove the negative aspects of ourselves we need to make friends with them. When we try to push them away or deny them it is like trying to deny our hand or our foot. For example; If we have a bad temper it was probably placed there as a defence mechanism at one time to protect us from a negative situation in the past. Maybe it worked for many situations in our defence but now we realize that we are past that and need to let it go. I will call this temper a "spiritual" part of ourselves. When I recognize its head beginning to rear I can now call it out. I can view it head on. Instead of anger or denial I can extend a handshake, if you will, to it and now withour fear can ask it to become a friend at this point to show me when I am getting ready to unleash an outburst and avoid it. This might sound crazy but this temper was as bonifide as any other emotion that we experienced but by befriending it we have made an ally. Lets take fear. When it shows its head stand right in front of it but now view it as a friend instead of an enemy. Extend your hand spiritually in a gesture of peace. Welcome it and make it your friend. It is probably just as uncomfortable being fearful as you are. Now thank it for being there when it was needed but now ask it if it would be a benefit to you instead. Maybe it could be a partner with you to remind you when fear is about to grip you. Your friend can now be your watchman. Sometimes in this place these one time troubles converted to friends will assist us out of our negativities. Sometimes a few of these things stay with us throughout our lifetimes but they can still be used as helpers to guide us. It is all in the perspective and how we handle our "gifts" in a new light and a positive way. These negatives were put there as gifts if we can see that and use them for our benefit.

excellent post Cara. Who was it said an unexamined life is a life not worth living?
I think what you talk about is being mindful, being aware at all times of our emotions and facing them head on rather than denying them or hiding from them. We can not accept them until we look at them and face them.
People hide from them because it is painful to look at sometime. But I have found if you face them, you only have to face them once. If you deny them and never face them, you must face the pain they cause over and over.

We have to accept our fears and emotions completly, get to know them so intimatly that we know everything about them. They have to become our bed partners. We can not release old habits, fear, or pain until we know it intimatly first. As I like to say.... You have to get down and wallow in the mud with it until you wrestle it to the ground.

Bylen

What a wonderful way to look at the our negatives as the "gifts". It is through these challenging aspects of ourselves, we are forced to re-examine and grow.

Hi Taylor.
Yes, if you stay in bed or sit on the couch your whole life I bet you wouldn't get a single scar, but neither would you have lived. The emotional scars we get are from bumping into life, we get scars, but we can say we have lived and learned.
When you're 4 years old and you stick your finger in a light socket, you learn never to do that again. These scars we carry are those moments we learn "I'm not going to try THAT again!"
We learn a better way, and grow.

Bylen