BellaOnline Forums Family Adolescence Staying Positive with Your Teen

How do you keep a positive outlook when dealing with your adolescent...even when things are rough? Share your tips...

Hi,Steph. Your question caught my attention and I just had to jump in. It made me reflect on raising my first daughter. She is in her first year of college and I can truly say today, that it was a hard road. I almost hated at one point being a parent with all the challenges teens can give you but I thank God for helping both hubbie and I to get through it. If their is anything I'd like to pass on is (1) expect rebellion (this is not something bad but they are learning independence and parents have to learn when to parent and when to step back and be a "background" parent and (2) encourage, enlighten, and keep that self esteem built within them. Teens have so much peer pressure that if no one at home is willing to sit down and actually listen to their gripes and hear them out (and that does not necessarily mean, give in and do what they want all the time) but to respect them enough to at least hear and listen, they tend to become very destructive, non-chalant about life in general and will shut down.

Though I was fortunate to not have this happen in my own family, I know of others that had to deal with it.

Keep your heads up parents. God has instilled us with special qualities, some of us, in dealing with the little people (adults) in our lives. Eventhough they make us cry, make us angry and even disappoint us at times, do your part and act it no matter what. You're the adult, show restraint and they will respect you for it.

After all the drama, our first daughter gave us from age 7 up, she graduated with honors and cum laude and that made it all worth it. Now, on to the other two. Whewwww!

Kimberly,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and suggestions...I can only hope that I will be as fortunate to look back several years from now!!

Best,
Stephanie

Keep at it (being supportive)...you can do it. Happy harvest.

im having issues with my 18 year old now. He has 2 brothers and their father and i have been divorced for 10 years. I remarried 5 years ago (been together 8) Their father has gone through several relationships that have ended in abusive situations etc. He is an alcoholic and lost his license last year to DUI. He hasn't really had much to do with his boys for the most part of 10 years. My husband had never been married and no kids - so he inherited 3 boys - and an ex-husband (who i was married to for 12 years before he had an affair). My husband has done everything and more for these boys - now my 18 year old - with coaxing from his father - has been disrespectful and nasty - angry - acting like he doesn't care about anyone or anything - including his brothers and me.

I have had issues with him following curfew and rules and paying bills on time etc. It all came to a head and i gave him a choice - either follow the rules or move out (which by the way he'd been hinting about)...then i find out he'd already planned on moving in with his dad....

He's 18 -i get that - but he's acting very rude towards me - and calling me a liar. The worse part? My ex's girlfriend (who he's living with) has told me i have to listen to my son - and really hear what he has to say - because i've chosen love over my children. This is totally untrue. I've been the one in their lives since the beginning - i haven't disappeared and not been there for them - now this happens....it's like they've forgotten what his father has done - and im [censored] now....it hurts but i realise he's 18. Im hoping he will grow up and take some accountability in the choices he's made - but he's a boy - so when does that happen. We had this thing (i have it with all 3 boys) - no matter how upset or what had happened during the day - we always said - i love you - i haven't stopped saying it - but he's stopped answering....i don't want him to have that influence - but my fear is he will end up acting just like his father.....

Irish,

That's a really tough situation to be in and unfortunately more common than you would think. Teenagers and young adults between the ages of about seventeen and twenty two often act this way. Becoming a young adult is really difficult and so pent up anger is often spent on the primary caregiver because they are the "safe" person (which actually seems like something of a double-edged sword when you are living it).

They also are working very hard toward mastery and being a successful adult and want nothing more than to show you that they can do that well. Something like when they wanted you to watch them ride their bikes when they first learned, only with some anger and spite thrown in.

Everything else being equal, I would offer the advice of being supportive of his choices. Leave the door open for the future, let him know you love him, but stay at arm's length while he goes his own way. You gave him love and good parenting for eighteen years. Trust that he has internalized that and will find his way back to you when as an equal and a friend the chaos and difficulty of becoming an adult is over.

The best thing you can do is praise his successes - that's what he really wants you to see (like the kid on the bike) and don't dwell on his failures or bad behaviors (unless they are really unsafe). Just because he is so angry at you is actually a good thing. A worse thing would be apathy which would indicate distance of emotion (which teens can fake, but I bet you can see right through).

I hope that helps a little.

Melissa

That's some pretty good stuff there Melissa. Are you a parent yet? If not, you're on your way. Good stuff. Have a wondeful Thanksgiving.

[deleted due to violation of TOS]

Thanks, Kimmie. I actually am a parent but not to a teenager - yet. I often wonder when I give advice like this to other people (my counseling clients included) if I will be eating my words when she does become a teenager. I try to work from solid developmental and family theory concepts, though so I don't stray too far. LOL. And my clients who apply my advice often say it works. So I must be doing something right. Thanks for the positive affirmation.

Melissa

Keep saying it. Kids pull away, they rebel - but if they know deep inside that you love them, then they always have something to come back to.

You can never say "I love you" too much. Even if they don't say it back right now - they will one day.

I have a 17 yr old son, and an 11 yr old daughter (and a 5 yr old son - but he doesn't really fit into this particular conversation).

You have to look sometimes for the positive - but it can be found.

I've noticed that it seems to be easier to find the positive in strangers than in our own family. I think specifically of my own dad when I say this. He would never say things to an outsider that he says to people in our family. Why in the world should we be more polite to people that we don't love as much? That makes no sense - but most of us do it.

I think we get caught up in wanting our kids to be better that we put too much pressure on them, and forget to look for the wonderful that is already there.