BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce how do you know if you should save your marriage

I am in one of the hardest relationships i think known to man.. i have blended a family he has 2 kids i have one and we have a child together. and they all live with me.. it has not been an easy 7 years of marriage alot of ups and downs struggles and pain.. with everyone including the kids.. i suffered from post partum/depression and have alot of mood swings .. my husband is at the point where he wants a divorce because he cant make me happy. there are times when i am happy but there are times when stress and frustrations of blending the family and all the kids issues play a role. we are struggling to make it work how do you know if its time to quit.. i still really care and feel like i am in a rut emotionally with everything and life.

Hello there

Have you tried to get some kind of help for the depression? This may not be the answer you need but it might help. Also if you do a diary on a daily basis just for your own thoughts about how you are feeling and what caused things to go wrong on that day you might see a pattern which may help you see things clearer. It might also help if you write down a small goal for yourself everyday as well.

At the end of the day you are the only one who can decide whether or not it is worth saving but it does sound like the two of you may actually want it to work. It is very hard with having the kids around but try and have even half an hour a day to yourself, whether it be in the bath with candles on or out for a stroll to somewhere you like walking.

I am in a difficult marriage at the moment as well but have been keeping a diary and writing in all the good and bad things for each day to see where it goes wrong.

Hope you get things sorted out.
X

I am struck by a line in your post that your husband wants a divorce because he can't make you happy. No one can do that sweetie, it's up to each of us to find our own paths to happiness. I agree with skinnycow that you should journal, get some counseling to deal with depression,the stress of your family life, and to help you learn to cope with the issues. It will take time, but hopefully all of the above will help you find out what it is that you need to be happy and fulfilled.
Good luck .

Greetings Diana:

What you are going through affects many women, thank you for sharing your story.

I agree with the other posters. First and foremost take care of your self. Get help with your depression, find time during the day for some renewal. Fifteen minutes to a half an hour of prayer, meditation a hobby, etc. I also suffered from post partum depression. I couldn't sleep for close to a year. One of my regrets in life is that I didn't get help after a few months and I was caring for a toddler and a new born! That is ridiculous, especially when help is out there.

Again take care of yourself first, then you can think more clearly about everything else.

Good luck and be well.

I shouldve have put into my post i do take care my depression i have been in counseling since being marride we have seen a marriage counselor 2x's the first he didnt like cause she sided with me and the 2nd he made me out to be the lunatic nice and calm.. It does not matterwhat decisions i make or how i want to run my household I DONT HAVE A CHOICE. i dont have a say.. lately he wants to be the one to discipline his own kids and just saturday night he asked me if his son can have a sleepover i said yes but they are not sleeping on the couches.. he told this to his son his son brought home his friend and then he let them sleep on the couch! case in point. he has allowed his son to dictate and split us constantly its is so frustrating.. our relationship is hanging on a by thread i am just getting to the point where do i just give up in the relationship or give up everything i belive in.

Diana,
I think the hardest thing anyone can ever do is stay married. For me, it is harder than raising kids. You said you went to a marriage counselor twice, but really no changes can be made until you guys keep going. And eventhough you may think he is making you sound bad, the counselor is used to people doing that. He/she knows that there are two sides to every story, really, they do, and he can't make them think you are some horrible person. Obviously, you guys still love each other or you wouldn't even have gone. I haven't been divorced, but only because we went to counseling. My husband didn't go all the time, but I did, and it made a tremendous difference. The thing that has kept me going this whole time, even when it is hard now, is my kids. My parents were divorced & it was tramautic for me. So, I've tried, for them, to make it work. And if you both have already been divorced, then the kids have gone through a lot already, and a second one could really mess them up as far as ever trusting anyone again. I know how difficult it is, I really, really do. If it wasn't for God or my kids, I wouldn't be here. If you guys could hold off, and try to work it out for the kids sake, I think it will be worth it for you. But he also has to be willing. I'll be praying for you.

Diana,
Just read your last post. Despite going to a counselor, it doesnt sound like your husband is receptive to working together to save your marriage.
Let me explain.
My ex wanted to save our marriage...that is if I would think the way he wanted me to think, discipline the kids his way, be his version of fiscally responsible, and clean the house the way he wanted it clean. That's not a marriage. That's servitude. Understand...I would have done anything to save my marriage...but no matter how I changed, it would never have been enough. His happiness would last until he found another way I needed to change. Our marriage counselor (faith based) told me to run.
You have to be true to yourself. The fact that he disrespects your wishes in front of his son is a frightening sign that he does not respect you.
One more thing, if you can bear it,:), getting a divorce does not mean you are giving up what you believe in. Staying in an emotionally abusive marriage is wrong for you and your children, and belive it or not, for him. Ask yourself how you would counsel your child if he/she was in this situation. Be true to yourself. Give yourself permission to love yourself.
Be well sweetie, and know that there are people out there who want to help.

thank you for all that have respnded it does help me to know that i am not alone. Blending a family has been the hardest thing i have ever done and it complicates things i due believe if it were just my kids it would be different. and my therapist feels that the marriage co unselor we were just seeing is wrong in some aspects he basically told my husband and my self that he did not feel optimistic about our relationship surving due to me and my issues. totally put my husband on a pedastal. and my threapist i have been seeing for 5 years.. knows me a little bit better. the first marriage counselor we saw for 6 months and it did help and the reason we went was because my hubby chose my best friend to talk to and not me thus a emotional affair. and he was wrong and wanted to save the marriage.. we are both at a point were we dont want to move forward.. because of all of the unresolved issues with his ex wife etc.. she is a total piece not responsible his kids were so much better with him.. then i ask myself why what have i dont so wrong in life to deserve this.. i am so afraid to be alone as i get older in life. and wonder if we should split maybe we would find ourselves again and each other but afraid to take that chance. the disrespect and the kids splitting us is wearing on me and wanting to be with him. in the beginning he use to side with me now he is total opposite. too much to say and litle time i could write for hours.. bbl
diana

Honestly go with your gut if you think it should end. Don't delay if you know in your heart its time to go.

I am a firm believer if there is no abuse, no addiction and no affair and sometimes even if the last two exist, to giving it everything and trying everything before throwing in the towel. But if your husband will not try, and will not go to counseling, and will not participate in the marriage you may have no choice.

I hope that you are doing ok today. Please feel free to continue to write, and get your feelings out. Being a second wife is so very hard, being a step mom is really, really hard and is most of the time a thankless job.