BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I think I figured it out...

of course our chosen way of life is selfish--everybody's is! If we don't GET something out of our choices why make them? But deciding to be CF does not make me more selfish than the woman next door who has 4 kids because she thinks somehow it is contributing to her family security and self-esteem! Ask someone WHY they had a kid and you get answers that SOUND self-sacrificing and selfless but in reality they are self-serving and selfish. The answer I get most often is something like "I want to raise a child to be a success in life and do something important!" OK........so what does that make YOU? The MOTHER of someone successful and important---the REASON they were born....without YOU they would not be here to be successful or important...see where it goes? Right back to YOU. So having a child defines the woman.
I would rather define myself.
Ravyn

Hello All,

I am new here, so I wanted to say hello to everybody. It is great to share ideas with likeminded people like you. I think this is a very interesting post.

I think it is a matter of wanting to control our lives, definetely. I think that a lot of people have kids because they think that this is going to make them happy. Overall, we all have been taught that following the social standard is what happiness is: Get married, get a house, a dog and have kids. We have been brainwashed by society in almost all aspects of our lives. Nobody brings up the issue of overpopulating this earth, bringing kids for the most selfish reasons. Overall, I think we all forget that our choices, whichever they are affect everybody and If we have decided not to bring kids, we can really have a lot of reasons for not wanting to follow the common standard.

I got seriously bingoed by a colleague once who said "people who don't have kids are just SELFISH" and then said how her grandad when he was old had a house full of grandkids and that's what she wants. If you are doing it cos you WANT to is that NOT SELFISH? I am one of these people however who thinks selfishness is underated. I've already DONE the be a martyr thing and it only made me miserable and noone else happy.

Everyone does most of what they do out of selfish reasons. You get a better job to be happier, or to have more money. You get a higher education to better yourself. You have children because you want to pass on your genes. You don't have children so that you can spend your life traveling.

And out of a lot of selfish things comes good. When you are happier, you tend to make those around you happier, and you tend to be more productive in society. So being selfish is a GOOD thing.

I think people confuse "selfish" with "self-consumed." I would say that I know more parents who belong to the "self-consumed" camp than those I know without children.

I might be a little late to this thread (just found this forum a few days ago), but I wanted to add my piece.
In my opinion, having kids does not always mean a woman loses her power, but not having them does give her a much greater capacity to find and follow her true path and purpose in life. I suppose there is a certain power in being responsible for another being's life, but it's not real power, in my mind. It's sort of an illusion, because real power comes from being able to control your own destiny, not anyone else's. You can't really control anyone else's destiny anyway, and if you think you can, you will most likely be disappointed and unfulfilled. I think that might be why in the 1950s (and no doubt today as well) so many of these stay-at-home moms felt depressed and useless. They were taught to cede the meaning of their entire lives to the process of human reproduction. I feel that as a society, the U.S. is veering dangerously close to this destructive sort of mindset once again. With the rise of "attachment parenting" (don't even get me started on THAT one), it seems more and more women (and men) are being taught to almost worship children as some sort of panacea. The mentality seems to be that you must, must, must sacrifice everything in your life for the child, and if not, then you are bad parent. I think it is this type of thinking that really upsets me.
Hope that wasn't completely incomprehensible!

Oh, and lest I forget, I don't care if people think I'm selfish for not wanting kids. We are all children of the Enlightenment, not the dark ages, and that means it's "okay" to want to pursue a path of personal happiness.

Dear Pugs,
yes I agree. Not to offend anyone reading but privately DH and I have a joke about the "child-worshipping society that sacrifices at the altar of Chuck E. Cheese"... You will NEVER find us at Chuck E. Cheese or driving a teal mini-van. LOL (Sorry but the Charger would not look good with a car seat in the back either...)
Ravyn

I just about choked laughing when I read this! I HATE Chuck E. Cheese's. I think whoever came up with this idea was either a sadist or masochist - or both!

And I do have children! And of course the 5 yr old thinks it is the most fantastic place on earth. I always come out of there needing migraine medication. It is a "special occasion only" (kid's special occasion) place. I can't stand it any more often than that!

I have never been in a Chuck E Cheese. Never had a reason to go. Am i missing anything special? lol

I think Chuck E Cheese has become a meme.

This is an interesting notion. I guess it depends on what your true path and purpose *is!* In my case, I remember the overwhelming feeling after having my first daughter that I couldn't remember what the purpose of my life had ever been before her. And my career path in life is definitely parent education, which I never would have found if I hadn't had children.

I think sometimes all that you can do is do what feels authentic and true to you and forget everyone else and their worthless opinions about YOUR life. I think the flip side of the coin from the childfree are the couples who purposefully have a dozen kids or so. Everyone thinks they have a right to an opinion on that too! But I can't begin to understand the compulsion...having grown, birthed and now raising two kids, I can say it's certainly not a thoughtless decision. For our purposes... we considered staying childfree, because we had so much money (don't now!), travelled the world -- once for a whole month, drove tiny, efficient cars (don't now), wanted to invest in real estate, etc. But it just didn't feel authentic for us. We were bummed every month when I got my period, and I was on the pill! I knew in my heart I wanted kids, despite the sacrifices, and there *are* many sacrifices.

If you know in your heart you *don't* want kids, that's certainly all you can do, is follow your path, and your purpose will show itself if it hasn't already. The notion of selfish seems like a ridiculous one -- what else *is* there? Working against your own instincts and what you know you want? Purposefully conceiving an unwanted child (or worse, children)?


Nicki :-)