BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Buddhism Go 21 Days Without Whining

okay i did not complain yesterday. So this is day 2.

Jilly - good for you for starting over!

Alexandra - thanks for your post, it made me remember a story from a few years back that basically said things grow in the valley where it is dark, not on the mountaintop where it is bright - I had forgotten that until I read your post.

It is still very hard. I'm trying to find a balance right now. Where does counseling leave off and complaining start? (Our family is in real counseling - not just the therapy I get from talking to you guys here, LOL!)

These past few weeks have seemed very dark. Reading other's posts has helped to remind me to look ahead for the light instead of getting lost in my own misery. Just wish I didn't forget so much!

Michelle - it all comes down to the intention.

It would be unhelpful if I said "Bob was a real jerk today. I wanted to strangle him."

It would be helpful if I said "I was frustrated when Bob left dirty dishes on the coffee table. It makes me feel like a maid. How can I help him to remember to put them in the kitchen?"

You have a goal in mind when you voice a "problem". The key is to voice it in a "this is my issue and the solution I want to reach". You want to avoid voicing it as "this person is flawed! Let's all poke at the flaw!"

Poke, poke... [owww! Stop poking!]

I was seriously complaining for about two weeks for some reason. I think i have gotten some of it out of my system and am being better at changing what I say, or not saying things (just thinking them).

I realized a lot of my personal sense of humor is wrapped up in being derogatory about my life. I am trying to develop a new sense of humor. I am trying to be more like Willow on Buffy. She's funny but finds a sweet way to word things.

Michelle, we are all here with you as you go through this. You are not alone.

I think a lot of people grow up learning to put themselves down for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it's because others put them down and they can sort of "preemptively strike" by doing it first.

One of the self-help books I was reading recently - I don't remember which ones - talked about how the author was feeling depressed at a school dance. One of the guys he was sitting with was talking about it being hard to go over and talk with the girls. The author said "well at least you've got a chance - I'm fat and ugly. Nobody would ever dance with me. I'll end up alone". Suddenly all the guys were being sympathetic and understanding and such, taking pity on him. So he got "social acceptance" by putting himself down.

I know a lot of smart people who put themselves down so that others feel less threatened by them.

In a way it's a shame we can't all be proud of our strengths and be happy for other people. With all the trouble in the world, why should we add to it by putting ourselves down even in a "joking" way ...

I am very proud of YOU Jilly!! You are an awesome person

Thank you so much Lisa! I am honored.

The book with that anecdote is the World Without Complaining one - i remember seeing it there.

Also, am on day 3.

Congratulations!! That is so great!!

I am still on day 1 but I am becoming much more aware of what I say

Day 5

Back to Day 1.

Are you incorporating the Four Noble Truths, the Noble Eightfold Path and the Five Precepts as prmary practice, Jilly?
How are they working for you?