BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Married No Kids Venting Thread

RavynG I think what she said to you is ridiculous considering how many children you have basically helped to raise!! It's like you've already DONE all that in a way you've had the good you've had the bad but you've DONE those things and you know it's not for you. So if there are things to be "learned" you've probably already LEARNED them! And as Lisa says she could be learning all sorts of other fascinating things with that time. So you may not be learning patience and play-dough as Lisa said or whatever but you have the time to learn OTHER things she doesn't.

My vent I guess is for those of us who DO LIKE kids but don't want our own. And people [censored]-ume that because we like kids or get on well with kids in the family or work with kids that we must automatically want our own no matter WHAT we say to the contry. Like I've said before I work with kids but I DON'T want my own - in fact don't tell the parents or staff this but working with kids helped put me off even further!! I'm not as clucky to my neices and nephews as some childfree are and them being in other countries than me is part of that. But I know there are other childfree people - including here - who have GREAT relationships with their neices and nephews but AGAIN it DOESN'T mean they want their own!!

Another thing is people expect that everyone's kids will be normal. Well some kids are NOT "normal" some kids are born with Special Needs and they can be even HARDER work than other children. Currently I have two in my class and I just think when people want me to have kids what if I have a child like that? Of COURSE I will love it but it will be VERY DIFFICULT. And yes these two mothers had to put work on hold for MONTHS to be at school with their kids because of their needs. You don't know what kind of child you will get and as my colleague said who'd just had a baby, "Be VERY sure before you have kids because once they're born you CAN'T just put them back IN there." (Where? You KNOW where!)

Amen to that one Athena. I like kids, I like my nieces and nephews, but also like the fact that once I am done with them I can send them back to their parents ;0)

I have considered possibly adopting or fostering older children (especially glbt youth) at a later time in my life, but right now I am happily CF even though I like kids ;0)

I agree Athena and Jase. I love my nephews and I love my friends' kids...and I love giving them back. I do not, however, like many other kids. I don't like listening to them scream and throw fits in the stores or while we are trying to eat and the like. My SO and I were shopping for a car one day and I saw this lady and her kid periodiaclly, shopping as well. We could hear the kid screaming and running around. Then I saw them walking back to their car and the kid ran out in front of a moving car in the parking lot. He did not get hit or anything, but the mom said, "Now honey be careful. If that car would have hit you, you would of got a bump on your head." I couldn't believe it really. A bump on the head, huh? I guess that is why when I drive down residential streets, kids walking, playing, or rididng bikes don't even move out of the way any more! But hey, it would only be a bump on the head though, so no big deal. When we played in the street when I was a kid, we ALWAYS watched for cars, and when they came, we moved completely off the road until no more were coming. I know that kids just do that kind of stuff, and that's why I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I can't help being a little upset with all the stuff that kids get away with.
I guess while I am at it and on the ranting page....
I also don't like it when some parents act like they are so much better than me because they have kids. Like my life has no meaning, yadda yadda. I get that vibe from my sis-in-law at times.
I have one more thought to add, a little off subject.
I had a fun meeting with an old family friend a couple years ago. My moms best friend actually. While we were talking she said that my mom had told her that I didn't want kids. I agreed and waited for the usual and prepared to defend my decision. Then she looked at me and said if I don't want them, then I shouldn't. Then she proceeded to tell me that if she had to do it all over again, she would NOT have had any and that she actually regreted having kids. Now this is the first time in my life that I have ever heard a mother say she regretted having kids!! I wonder how many really feel this way, and just never say it. Our families spent a fair amount of time with each other while I was growing up. I do remember not really liking her kids, as they were a little mean to me. (I was the youngest) But I do know that their parents were about the nicest people you could ever meet. I don't want to say I know what went on in their house because I don't. But what I do know is that their kids have been a complete drain on them, physically, emotionally, and finacially. Almost causing a divorce because of the dad always lending money because the kids couldn't support themselves or their children because of drugs, or for bail money, or for whatever. They even followed their parents when they moved out of state to get away from the kids. Now, one kid is married with children, but one of the children has life-long heart problems due to the drug use of the mother while pregnant. So, my point is to agree with the above poster in that you never know what your kids will turn out to be. And it can always be worse.
I think this turned out to be a long post. Sorry about that, and thank you for letting me vent!

I wanted to vent about the "you will change your mind", or "you're not ready now but one day you will want one little pink baby like every other woman" "look how you loved your sister and brother, you'll love your kids the same"

I never wanted to become a dentist, or a nun, or a police agent, or a car salesperson, so I did'nt, and I don't regret it. I have almost the same fashion and music taste than 10 years ago, I know more music and have more diversified tastes, but still similar, and probably the same than in 10 years old. so I don't see how I could ever change my mind for something that important!

And as far as I know, almost all my friends who has kids always liked them. I remember in high school when teachers were bringing their babies, the craziness of all the girls jumping on it, wanting to hold it, or just see it. Me: no interest at all. And I HATED to babysit. 15-20 years later: still no interest, but I have to fake it not to be impolite or hostile, cause now it's my friend's babies and I can't just ignore them. (I like people to look at my things when I invite them too)

I got a sister and a brother when I was 18 and 21 years old (I relly didn't want them, but my mother's uterus is not my property). I didn't wanted to take care of them at the first place, and I was avoiding them in the first month and it really kicked me out of the family house fast! But gradually I fell totally in love with both of them. It's my 2 favorite people in my life, and they are the cutest kids I know (now 10 and 7). People are telling me how much a good and beautiful (??) mother I would be, that I'm so patient with them, etc. (looking patient but boiling inside lol!)

I worry for them too. Sometimes I make horrible nightmares about them getting kidnapped, raped, drowned, name it. I'm sure if I had a kid by mistake, I would definitly love him or her and tkae care of him/her properly, and probably be a good mother. I'm not a monster, I get attached to people and I can take care of them! I'm tired of being considered a monster for not wanting to add kids to my life!!

That is too funny!



And you shouldn't be. The real monsters are the people that have children and then either abuse or ignore them (which is just another type of abuse, I believe).

Being responsible, and knowing yourself well enough to know that children in your life would not be a good thing is NOT being a monster. It is being real.

Budgie, it's been the same for me. I don't dislike kids. I just feel like I am missing the "loving babies" gene. Honestly. I never understood why people think they are cute or even interesting.

I know that other people do and it's confusing to me - i just don't get it. But it doesn't bother me too much - I don't get math either! LOL

So the choice was never hard for me - I didn't want them. I looked for a man who also didn't want them (via Match.com, actually).

And as a lifelong strange duck (me) people didn't give me much guff. Some remarks, of course, but it never bothered me b/c I had no doubts about it. People who knew me understood i was weird and accepted it.

I'm replying to a few of your posts:

@Athena, I have several friends who, like you, work with kids but don't want their own. In fact, it's because they know about all the hard work and hassles that go into it and (it seems) the few rewards!

@budgie, your quote "And as far as I know, almost all my friends who has kids always liked them. I remember in high school when teachers were bringing their babies, the craziness of all the girls jumping on it, wanting to hold it, or just see it. Me: no interest at all. And I HATED to babysit" could have been written by me! I remember one of my friends in high school would look through the Sears catalogue and pick out furniture for her future babies at like age 14! I'm now 34 and still haven't "changed my mind"!

@yotagrl, I think there's a lot of women out there who regret having had kids but will never admit it. Here in Canada, we get one year maternity leave and I don't know of a single mother who hasn't taken the whole year. When they come back they all go on and on about how much fun it was to be off with the baby. I worked in government for a few years and it got so monotonous I finally asked one of the young, hip moms about it. She said that she knew a lot of women who didn't enjoy their time off and wanted to go back to work, but moms can't admit that to their friends! They face a lot of social pressure to be "good moms" so they lie about having had this profound experience with their baby. So I guess we're not the only ones struggling with our roles as women, and what society thinks is a perfect woman.

I joined this group not looking for therapy, but more to see how you all live your lives. What the benefits are. All my life I grew being told that I would be someone's mother someday. I dreaded it, it was a scary thought to me.

Now my husband and I are faced with infertility issues so that having our own kids really isn't an option anymore. I don't want to adopt or foster because of some mental/emotional issues I have, I was sexually and physically abused by my sister for years growing up. I have this utter fear that I will turn out the same as her, and be abusive to my children. I don't want to be, or anything like that...I just am too concerned about that to be sure enough to adopt a child. I feel like I would be more at risk to harm a child that isn't genetically mine, because I really don't know that I can honestly treat them as if they are my own. I have serious issue with not being able to control my anger, so having a kid running around irritating me 24/7, I just don't think I could do it.

So since we can't have our own, we are seriously considering not having children at all (no adoption or fostering) in our lives. It's so hard for me to mentally process that, because I keep thinking to myself, "NOW WHAT!?" What is my life supposed to be now, I had it drilled into my brain that I would grow up, go to college, get married, buy a house, and then have a baby. And the rest of my life would be dedicated to my children. So, now what? That's my question. I want to learn from your experiences, and relearn what my life is supposed to look like, since my husband are and will be living out our lives childless. I hope that someday soon I can say that we are child free and be excited a bout it. But right now I'm just confused about what I am supposed to be doing now. You know?