BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Need advise on something to care for

I agree that ultimatums are not healthy, and that relationships are about compromise. I feel uncomfortable with the idea of a partner drawing a line like that ...

Chris - I think Jill is one with the Dog Whisperer shows, but I'm not sure it has solved this problem ...

Jzel - you'll find when you're married for many years that issues will always come up that require a compromise like this. As much as you might say "I would never be with a partner who ..." - there are never 100% matches in life. There is always going to be *some* issue you disagree on.

Jilly, here's an idea (cos I was thinking of it myself last night) become a part time pet-sitter. (E.g. some weekends or evenings if you are working.) The money's NOT great but you get to have time with furry friends AND you don't have this conflict. You know, pet sitting when you go into THEIR home. If you want I can put some websites up I found last night.
Not all childfree automatically want and have pets though most of us seem too.
And some childfree are "pet-free".
As for me, hubby and I ADORE animals but I think I want to move around, continue to live & work in different countries. I'd happily take pets with me and do whatever quarantining etc. was neccessary but I don't think it would be fair on them. So it's likely that till I settle down in one place for good no pets for us. We'd also both consider working with animals in some capacity. There's also animal charities.
Remember pets - as wonderful as they are - can be a 20 year commitment (OK, maybe not fish though!) You wouldn't want him to try to talk you into kids, don't try to talk him into pets. You can travel to places where the wildlife and animals are the focus: safaris, farms, swimming with dolphins etc.
Yes, I KNOW it's NOT the same as "having your own" I GET that.
Our landlord who lives with us HATES cats and we love them so that's another reason we currently don't have a cat.
Dogs are wonderful too, but dogs DO recquire more commitment than cats e.g. daily walks, and usually dogs recquire more attention than cats too.
Both hubby & I have had animals before growing up.
I understand though dispite all I've said this must be upsetting for you cos I think I would hate to NEVER have pets again. I don't know for SURE I will but I like to think at least I will have them when I am older (maybe need to hire a dog walker though!)
I've even DREAMED about "our dog" once and thought of names for our dog and cat but then, I'm a namer.
I wish you luck on this!!

"but I am wondering if it's even a good idea to have dogs around someone who doesn't like them?"

I kinda think no. I feel sorry for animals in this situation, even if they are well-treated. Our dog was like this. We did have a bond but everyone in the family preferred the cat and thought the dog was a bit of a nut and more high maintenance. Doggie got sick and it would have cost several thousand for operations etc. no guarantees. So she was put down (I tried desperately to find a new home for her, no luck.) Perhaps it was the best option perhaps we saved her a lot of pain and it was the beginning of the end. But I always feel that maybe if my parents had loved her more she would have been able to live longer?

Girl I seriously think a career working with dogs could be ideal for you! At least as far as (a)keeping hubby happy - cos I'm assuming that apart from that you guys ARE happy together? and (b) you can be "surrounded by a pack of dogs" and (b) You don't have to have 24/7 responsibility of them.

Or - here's something that's gonna tick people off! - if it is that you absulutely HAVE to have dogs in YOUR HOME and he is NOT happy with that then sorry but you guys um might decide to go your separate ways. Which sounds crazy but it's not I think for both of you to be happy as a couple you need to be also happy as individuals!
On the OTHER hand, I totally agree with Lisa Low Carb Ed: "Jzel - you'll find when you're married for many years that issues will always come up that require a compromise like this. As much as you might say "I would never be with a partner who ..." - there are never 100% matches in life. There is always going to be *some* issue you disagree on."
OR be married but somehow get two homes! Some people do that and I don't know how it works out but I'd consider it sometimes!!
You came here for support I appreciate your honest and your asking for support, I hope you both find a solution that works for you two.

Lisa and Chris, yes, i am all about Cesar Milan. Love his show, am working through his books. Frodo has improved a lot just by my developing a calm, assertive mind...but to me, Frodo was never a problem. Dan cannot seem to do calm, assertive mind. He flips right in to anger/frustration. I think Frodo would be a good teacher for him, but the teacher has to be ASKED for, not THRUST upon someone.

I think the plan of giving Frodo to Chris will be the right one, and then finding a second dog that DH will have 'buy-in' about. One we pick together with him finding a dog we can bond with. I don't want a puppy - some adult dog on 'death row' would be great.

Lisa, thanks for the mention of the very real issue of marriage and compromise. I never thought I would fall in love/get married with a non-outdoorsy, non-animal person. And here I am, very happy together with him aside from the pet issues. We have other things in common (like thank GOD not wanting children).

Thanks for your posts Athena! That is a good point about not all CF people having pets. Sometimes the timing in life is not right, and sometimes pets are just not desired at all. I wonder if most CF people have plants, while we are on that? But i guess that is a subject for another thread.

It's funny that you mention working with dogs, as i was just offered a grooming job today. I really don't want to groom again, but it was nice to be asked. I would really prefer to be involved with rescue groups. I will look into it when i am more settled into my new town. Thanks for the encouragement.

Animal trips are fun too. I love zoos and aquariums, and even the "safaris" at Disney parks and such.

That's too bad about the landlord and the cats. Why do people hate cats? I can see maybe there might be people who don't especially like cats, but to actively HATE them? That's harder to get.

Tell me about your dog dream. You know, that is pretty cool.

Also, Athena, good point about not forcing DH to have a dog, that same things as not forcing a mate to have a child. Very astute.

I don't think you should feel bad about your family dog. It sounds like he had a nice life. Just a generation ago, many dogs were just 'the dog' and not as much a part of families as they are today. I think we've come a long way there.

As far as DH and I: we are great together, very happy, and it's really the dog thing that is the only rub. But as it's a big thing i wanted advice from other women/men here. I am pretty isolated from people up here on my mountain.

I have been keeping him apprised of this conversation - it was his idea to post here to get other's people's POVs and ideas - and he agrees that to deny me having a pet isn't really fair. So we will just find a dog he likes (I like all dogs); we will look together.

It sounds like you are on a good path to find a happy compromise!

I hope so! Thanks everyone. I will let people know what ends up happening.