BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Married No Kids Venting Thread

Angela-you really hit the nail on the head for me with your post. By your definitions, I am under the childless category. Your items 1-4 applied to me for many years.

In that light, I would be interested in hearing from childless people. People that either wanted to or were open to having kids, but either couldn't, or time ran out. I think the pressure is a bit different from childfree, because I never made a conscious decision to not have kids. Maybe start a separate thread.

In response to Angela P

4. I'm 36 years old, and though my bio clock hasn't gone off yet, I'm still feeling like I might miss something as a woman and as a human if I don't have a kid...do you all ever feel the same?

I totally feel this way! I'm 35 and it seems like everyone around me is prenant or just had a baby. I know in my heart that I don't want to have a child, but sometimes I look at them and wonder what I'm not experiencing.

I just joined this forum yesterday with the understanding that this was for people who had made a childfree decision. The forum's description even states as much. "This forum exists as a support community for people who choose to live a child-free existence. The forum is not intended to be a debate arena; it is here to help nurture, inspire and educate those who have set their life goals to not include offspring. "

Maybe the name of the forum should be changed from MNK?

Angela, I totally agree. I hate it when I hear the phrase, "I used to be CF like you, but then I had kids." No, you were never CF, you were childless. You knew that you were going to have children someday; therefore, you were never CF.

As has been mentioned before, being CF means that you have made a concious choice never to have children.

I wonder how many childless visitors to the MNK forum mistakenly call themselves childfree? This might be why many of the visitors were so offended -- they don't have nearly the same mindset as the childfree. Perhaps some childless people come here in the hopes of emotionally healing from the fact that they'll never have children. However, this forum was never intended to provide such therapy. The childless might be happier in a forum where they could relate more to the other forum members.

I don't mean to start a debate... Really..

My husband and I are happily CF... We have cats, not kids. But, I think it's unfair to say that you can't change your mind.

Right now, I'm 30 and have no plans/desire to have kids, but I might hit 31 and my Bio-clock might go crazy. Likely, it won't change my mind, but who knows what the situation will be then? And who knows why the others changed.

I definitely agree that this board was likely created with the intention of being a place where people who have made the choice to be CF can congregate... Heaven knows it's desperately needed!

After all, you never stop being a parent -- even if your kids don't live with you anymore, they're still your kids, right?

I know this is supposed to be a frustration-venting area, but I'm so relieved that there are others out there who are as solidly CF as I am...

I think it's weird that people with kids are always trying to talk me into having kids - often in the same conversation where they were complaining of overcrowded schools and lack of sufficient funds for education. I pay property tax on my house (which mostly goes to public education in my state) and I won't be using any of those education dollars. It seems like they should be slapping me on the back saying "Thank God! More cash for my kid!"

Exactly! I believe there is a forum for infertility. Also, I have seen threads on the Married forum and the Mom forum where someone is asking for advice because their spouse doesn't want kids but they do. I think that's where people in those situations should go. Because, honestly, I can't relate to, nor understand/sympathize with someone who says, "I really want kids, but my SO doesn't. What should I do?"

And I hate it when "normal" people who want kids act like I'm an alien from another planet. I once told a wannabe mother that I don't ever want kids and she said "You're crazy!" She then looked at the bus driver and repeated "She's crazy!" Well, I felt the same way about her as she did about me. Except I thought she was crazy for judging my sanity solely on whether I intended to procreate or not. It's really upsetting to know that many people automatically assume the childfree are mentally ill, or even potential child murderers. [I've suffered from depression so no offense to the mentally ill].

Froggy Moo, you're exactly right. Some people write about a situation that is completely unrelated to ours. I try to put myself in their shoes, but my mindset isn't the same as theirs so my advice isn't reliable. That's when I begin to wonder whether I'm even in the right forum!

I think that life comes in an infinite variety of options, and that we all have minds which can be set, and then change.

I am sure we all for example know people who are democrats 100% at one point of their lives and then become Republicans, or visa versa.

We all know Christians who are 100% Christian and then who turn to another religion.

Is it really fair or reasonable as a human being to say someone who is 100% child free at one point, can never have another point of view any time in their life? And that if 10 years later they feel a different way, it somehow "damages" the way they felt earlier in their lifetime?

Someone who is 100% dedicated as a pagan right now should be respected and treated as a pagan. They should not be demeaned because - ten years later, in a completely different point in their lives - they choose to become Buddhist.

That is the sort of comment which has upset many of the married-no-kids lurkers. It is important that this forum welcome people of all flavors - not just the post-menopause married women who have "proven to the world" that their child free dedication did in fact last their entire reproductive career. Statistics show that many people in their 20s and 30s who swear to be child-free change their mind, and we should not be ones to beat on those people.

Or is it a natural tendency of humans to feel anger most strongly at people who seem to betray what they are trying to stand up for?

We should support every person who is dealing with no-kids issues, whatever area they fall into.