BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Wondering if I should keep doing MNK

I agree. I sort of feel like, if we can't have a place in an online community of women, we are saying we are "freaks" or something. I like the fact that this is a regular, mainstream website that just happens to have controversial topics discussed. And I love the fact that anyone can come here and see that, hey, a lot of women feel this way. Not just some weird, marginalized special interest group or whatever.

I enjoy the forum even though I am married with kids. There is a great diversity of posts on there and they are fun and interesting to chime in on from time to time. I too never knew there was so many men and women who didn't want kids and the reasons you all give for not having them are fascinating.

Kim, I too am sorry for your loss but unfortunately you are the only one who can answer the question about staying on as editor. If you are too busy to do it any kind of justice then by all means you should give it up. If you are unsure, then hang on until you know for sure or not and I also agree that a co-editor would be a great idea if you are too busy to devote time to articles, newsletters and postings but not too busy to give it up completely.

Everyone here can say don't give it up and that they enjoy your insightfulness and passion for the subject but ultimately you have to make the decision on your own. Only you know how busy you are when it is all said and done.

If you decide to give it up, I can only say that you will be missed here and we all wish you the best of luck. Who knows? When you are ready to come back, the editor position may still be open or may open shortly after you come back.

Kim, I want to give you my condolences during this difficult time.
I am fairly new to this forum. Whatever you decide, do what is right for you.

I like the idea of having co-moderators for this board. Honestly, talking with other people on this board has helped me deal with losing friends who have babies, and in general how to handle being cf in a parent centered society. There are parents out there who do respect my decision. I don't criticize those who want children, just as I don't want to be criticized for being cf. Apparently the people who come on to these boards to flame this group have nothing better to do with their time. If I do not like a particular forum, I don't engage in any conversation. I did not realize there was a lot of bickering going on. Other cf boards are overall nasty. This board for the most part is more respectable and a safe place to discuss topics I don't feel comfortable discussing outside this forum.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well. And I really like your articles.

Okay, I've put off responding because I've been feeling very distressed about this.

First off, Kim, I'm very sad about your loss.

Second, this is the first time we've heard of any of this. You can't just go from "la la la everyone's posting away no problem" to giving us a virtual slap in the face. I understand this is hard for you, but to give us NO WARNING at all and then just say "that's it I can't take it anymore!"

That's NOT FAIR to us. I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you, I really, really feel for you, but I think we deserve a bit more respect.

Why do so many people come to this forum to lurk or whatnot and then develop complaints? One guess is that so many of the other forums here are boring - they have little to no activity. This one always does. I mean, I posted in the Costuming thread 6 months ago and got no responses. I checked back there last week and all but one thread were over 6 months old.

And you know what? I don't wander onto the parenting forums. Well, I did go to the Breastfeeding one once because everyone was arguing about Jennifer Lopez not breastfeeding, but I think that's the only time I've been there. If I posted something there and got ripped apart, it would be my own fault. I wouldn't report them to the moderators. But I don't go to those forums because I'm sure that one post from a CF person and everything I say would be ripped to shreds. IT'S TO BE EXPECTED.

So I think it's very unfair for you to suddenly spring this on us out of the blue. I feel very guilty and self-conscious, and I honestly have refrained from posting many times since you posted that because I'm afraid of getting yelled at again.

Just to explain, I am the owner of BellaOnline.com. So I'm posting in this particular thread from an owner's point of view, not the Low Carb Editor's point of view.

BellaOnline has wanted a married-no-kids site from the very beginning, and we will always have such a site. I feel very strongly that we need to represent this group of people, just as we represent pagans, Democrats, Republicans, Christians, moms, and other groups.

BellaOnline is very high in traffic. We get over 20 million pageviews a month. A *key* reason this forum gets so much traffic is because it's here at BellaOnline. We get #1 search results in Google, we get a great deal of promotion. So it is very important to me that we maintain this valuable resource for all of our millions of visitors. Yes, the active posters get information by posting and sharing - but remember there is an at least equal value in all the tons of readers who find that content by it being here, and read it anonymously.

If we hid it - or moved it elsewhere, then 1) nobody would find it and 2) millions of women and men could not be helped by its information, since they'd never find it.

So that is the first basic tenet. I am fully committed to supporting and promoting this topic in our network.

Yay! Thanks Lisa!

Yeah I've been to the Islam and Atheist forums at Bella and posted on them literally once or twice. Why? I'm an ex-Christian and found Atheist resources VERY helpful in my deconversion and my husband is a Muslim as you know.
I didn't agree with some things on the Islam forum so I haven't gone back because it wasn't a good fit. Some other things on Islam I prefer to read about. Just out of interest and cos of hubby he knows I'm NEVER converting cos I don't believe in it myself. With the atheist forum I like it a lot but as I said there I'm not an atheist - not a theist either, it's a LONG story! - so I am NOT going to agree with everything there either but that's OK I respect the views and beliefs of those on the atheist and Islam bella forums.
And sometimes I like reading on mommy blogs cos I think thank GOODNESS that's NOT ME and it's interesting sometimes reading how the other half live - road not taken.
But as far as I am concerned I have no right to troll a forum because I don't agree with it. I mean REALLY troll I don't mean I can't say I disagree.
Now I accidently stumbled upon a white supremist forum once and I REALLY had to bite my tongue. But unless people on a forum are literally plotting a specific crime against specific people well live and let live. Even if I think they are idiotic racist bigots in the case of the white supremists.
And like you say Inglibert, if
I post something about Atheism, Islam or parenting that is the opposite of what the forum/blog is about, well fair ENOUGH if they tear it to shreds!! (Not that I would) and I would have no right really to complain to the moderators it's my own bloody fault and if not happy shop around - go elsewhere! There are a LOT of forums out there!
But I have to realise what a forum is set up for, you know e.g. Islam, Atheism, parenting, childfree so that's what it's gonna be about! I wish more people were like that!
I do like some of the
parents who come here with us sometimes - I've mentioned Michelle and Lisa_Orlando and I also think Wrestling Editor Vance is cool - LOVE your sense of humour too! - and Ms A you sound nice.

OK now that we've established that this forum is always going to be here and promoted and supported, let's talk about what the issue is. It is NOT that you are talking about being child free!! Again, that is the whole purpose of the forum. I support the gay-lesbian groups as they talk about being gay, I support the pagans when they talk about being pagan. Every group here is specifically set up as a support community. That is their purpose. It is exactly perfect that you talk about the various aspects of being child free and support each other in that discussion.

What generates complaints - on ANY forum in BellaOnline - is when "hate talk" begins. If the pagans start talking about "idiotic Christians - who would be stupid enough to be a Christian - maybe they are brain damaged" then that is *highly* inappropriate. If the gays-lesbians start talking about "those dumb straight people, I bet they are all lacking sexual equipment if they're not manly enough to be gay" that would be equally inappropriate.

It is *that* kind of discussion which should not be part of any rational, healthy discussion. And it is that type of comment here - by a few specific posters - which generates complaints from visitors.

It is one thing to say "being child free is great! I love it! Here are all the advantages!"

It is quite another to say "Those stupid breeders, every one of those low IQ brainless breeders should be rounded up and shunted off to a desert island somewhere".

BellaOnline does not allow that type of hate talk in any forum here, regardless of its topic. We state that rather clearly in our forum rules.

Please let me know if you have any questions about this.

I totally see your point. I am a mod for a group myself on Yahoo. I've had people come in and try to settle personal "internet" vendettas with other members or troll or intentionally pick fights or use swear words and I've put an end to it.

The difference is that when someone gets out of line, I send them a PM and explain that what they said was offensive or whatever. I warn them that if the behavior continues they'll be put on moderation. I don't just suddenly give a "virtual slap" to the entire forum.

I know some of the things I've said here have sometimes been a bit rude, so I wouldn't be surprised if you were talking about me. But it's not like we say "all parents are morons." If someone is describing a certain situation, like a parent letting his/her child run onto the street, then I think it's justified saying that they are an idiot. Unless it's a troll, I don't think anyone here has ever called a non-CF poster names. (And I personally think that calling Robotrix mentally-challenged is okay because he/she/it is a huge troll whose sole purpose is to stir up trouble.)

We have had enough non-CFers come in here and say exceptionally rude things to us, sometimes very directly, sometimes time and time again. And yet those posters are still posting - Robotrix comes to mind. Why is that okay, but "a few specific posters" who occasionally say something rude about a specific situation aren't?

Also, I don't think that anyone is debating that the topic itself is causing complaints. But we do generate an awful lot of parental traffic who come in here to tell us why we are wrong, or why we are horrible people, or that we don't know what we're talking about, etc. And then they complain when we pick apart their posts, which are often just as rude as they perceive us to be? I mean, there are people who take offense to someone just saying that they don't like kids. We've all seen it in here.

It would be nice if we were told what our offenses are, via PM if need be, so we know what exactly habits need to be corrected. All of this has been very vague.

Just a personal thought, not directed at anyone in particular: Having to tag every post with disclaimers either within the post or at the tail end of it is a shining example of how uncomfortable this situation has become. If I'm telling a story about a kid who was underfoot in the grocery store, I shouldn't have to make a note in the post acknowledging that not ALL kids in grocery stores are in the way to avoid getting flamed by parents. It's implied within the story that I am referring to that child and those like him. If I have to specify to all the parents possibly reading, "No, I don't mean your kid, and no, telling this story does not mean I'm a child hater" I may as well write the same post on a parenting forum. Look around at a lot of recent posts. They are full of disclaimers. And they are full of people trying desperately to smooth the feathers of visitors from the other side of the fence. We're now spending as much time walking on eggshells as having actual conversations.