BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Waiting for Mr Right

I reread the article and it reminds me of a situation between my bf's bff and his girlfriend. For 4 years, they have been dating off and on because she wants to get married and have kids. He does not and he's told her so many times. To me, if I wanted kids that bad, I would not settle. I would move on. I no longer feel sorry for the girlfriend because she chooses to stay in that situation.

I agree, Lua. And why does he stay with her? Someone who feels so strongly about getting married and having kids isn't going to change her mind. Sounds like he's using her for sex.

That's a very interesting point. It's often way easier to stay where you are than try and start over. Dating is tough. Then again, if you don't try, you won't meet the person that's right for you. Guess we all have to figure out what we want in life ... but there are still a lot of people waiting for someone to just tell them.

I guess on the settling question, maybe it's just me. It certainly makes it easier when you don't want kids (so that big biological pressure is gone) and I enjoy my life and my own company, as well as that of my friends. But it just seems bizarre to me that in a time when we have so many broken relationships and screwed up children (and adults) as a result, that you'd practically ask for it to happen by choosing someone who's not right for you.

I do remember having a conversation years ago with a friend whose dearest wish was to marry and have kids. I was teasing her that the second she was married, she'd be complaining about it and wishing she was single again. She said wistfully "it's okay for you, you've been married". To which I replied "Yep. And divorced too!!"

But it was a sobering reply, and one which bought up all sorts of questions for me about how we buy into the myths that are created for us as little girls. How much of this is the whole Cinderella complex? How disappointed are we when the reality turns out to be a far cry from the dream? Do we actually need to be more realistic about our lives, rather than buying into the "we can have it all including the perfect man" hysteria?

I'm single and have been for a year now. Would I settle? I don't feel the need now, at 41 and highly independent. But I have two close GF's in their 50's, and they assure me that the mindset changes dramatically as you get older, and feel the need for stability and company in your increasing age.

Interesting thoughts. Feeling a little reflective today.

That's right. He even complains that she is not good in bed. Why is he still seeing her? Because he has not met anyone else. The last time my bf brought this conversation up, I simply said "I am not going to address ridiculousness". Period. You get what you put up with.

Hmmmm......settle so you'll have "stability and company in your increasing age"?

Nope, not a good plan. Even with Mr. 100% Right, he will someday retire and you will have constant company. If you're an introvert (like I am), the constant company can get old pretty fast no matter how much you like the other person.

It's so refreshing to hear your attitude Llyn. My mom is about your age (and single) and gives me horrible messages about what the future holds for women as they age.

I will probably be there (if all goes well and I don't get run over by a truck or something), because my DH is a lot older than me. I like to think that being financially stable (who knows if that will really happen, but more likely if I am CF) and having a home I own will be enough stability for me. And if I get tired of being alone too much (or on the internet with other CF-ers, which is pretty nice company) then I can join clubs or take classes, spend time with friends, or travel. Sounds really awful, I know.

I'm single and have been for a year now. Would I settle? I don't feel the need now, at 41 and highly independent. But I have two close GF's in their 50's, and they assure me that the mindset changes dramatically as you get older, and feel the need for stability and company in your increasing age.

I have also been single for a year and am also highly independent. I'll turn 38 in 11 days. I am making an effort to meet a woman through an online dating site and conventional means. Settle? I'll stay single for the rest of my life before I compromise on my CF stance or alter my athletic, active lifestyle.

As for being alone in old age, I offer my cousin,A, who is ~85 and lives in Toronto, Canada. His wife passed away 15 years ago. He has not remarried or been in a long term relationship since then. Although he has experienced heath problems in the last year which have slowed him down, he is a great example of someone who lives alone but is not lonely. Two of his three sons also live in Toronto. He isn't dependent on his sons to take care of him or keep him entertained. His interests include weekly card games, gardening in the summer, travel and walking his dog. He has lady friends who he goes out to eat with or to see a movie. While we all have experiences from our childhood/teen years we would prefer to forget, I doubt any of us had to live through what A did. When the Nazis invaded Poland in 1939, he fled east. He spent most of WW II in Leningrad. Better than Nazi occupied Poland, but the siege of Leningrad was not a day at the beach.

If someone refuses to compromise and only cares about their needs, they should be single.

I was single, never married until I was in my early 40s. Yes, there were "almosts", live ins, and engagement, but to no avail. I was also extremely independent, career-oriented, and very athletic. Tons of pressure from the family in 20s and 30s to get married.

Then I gave up dating, decided I was fine being single forever (dates get weirder as you get older), and darn it, Mr. Right came along.

Hey, that's good to know! I love happy endings! And good philosophy too, although I'd think it would be self fulfilling - if you're too inflexible, eventually the other party will get pi$$ed off and leave anyway. All relationships are about compromise.

Denise, I hear that your part of the world is beautiful. It's on my hit list to go snowboarding at Bachelor - I have riding buddies in the PNW - hopefully next season!

Stability and company in your old age - perhaps...but surely only good company...
I personally think loneliness is largely a mindset - I have just returned from Japan and HK - in HK I heard a woman complain to a member of the Hotel staff that she "had been so lonely - she wouldn't travel with her husband again - he's working and I'm lonely"...I thought she sounded very needy...
If I hadn't been working, I'd be having afternoon tea at the Peninsula (which I did anyway!) wandering down Nathan Road soaking up the sights and sounds, shopping, enjoying a massage, sightseeing...How could you be lonely in HK!
I actually enjoy my own company (fairly recent thing) and increasingly enjoy just "doing my own thing"...
I also, enjoy time with my DH, family and friends...the best of both worlds...
If I were single again then I'd only consider someone who would ADD to my life otherwise, what's the point? Good company - fine, indifferent or bad company - no, thanks.
I sometimes think being single motivates you to mix more - join groups, clubs, take up hobbies so, there is less chance of loneliness.
Loneliness is not necessarily a single dynamic - IMO you can be lonely at a party, with a group or with your partner - that's why IMO it's a mindset...
MY late FIL remarried at 78 largely for company - it was a mistake and he divorced at 85 after a nasty break-up - it was a sad way to wind up his amazing life - the worry of it all and the unpleasantness...
So, I would just get on with life and if you meet someone who will add to your life, great - if not, go it alone - don't jeopardize or compromise your life, happiness and security.