BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Waiting for Mr Right

I read an article a couple of days ago that I was going to link to, but it's gone. Never mind, the gist of the article was - that if having children is in your life plan, that you need to make that a priority and stop waiting for Mr Right to come along. Because if you do, and he gets lost and never arrives (or arrives late) you've squandered your chance at a family.

Now as we've all been told, a man is no longer a prerequisite for having children, if that's your number one thing :-) But what struck a chord with me on this article was the writers urging women to settle. That Mr 80% would do, because if you leave it too late, you'll only have the choice of Mr 50% and his ilk, and all the while, your currency is devaluing as well.

Now, maybe I'm old fashioned, but to me something as important, consequential, and life altering as having kids should NOT be attempted in the company of Mr 80%. Because I'm pretty sure that the 20% that is not to your liking would quickly become a VERY BIG DEAL under the pressure cooker that is children. And yes, I know nobody's perfect, but shouldn't you want to have kids with someone you like and respect, not someone who is "Mr Right Now"?

Thoughts?

Did you mean the article in this thread?

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Nope, it was a different one, but same general thought pattern. This one didn't even mention that going it alone was an option, just that you should settle for the first half-pie-decent schmuck that wants you...

How frightening that it seems to be a trend rather than a one-off!

Why is having a child more important than finding a soul mate?

And wonder why the divorce rate is 50%.

To me, the way it should it work is that if/when people find someone to love and become partners with, THEN they go about deciding whether they want to make a new life with that person. Both people decide TOGETHER after their relationship is solid.

The problem comes from girls being raised to think that becoming a mother is the most important thing they can ever do. It causes them to make bad decisions just to "catch" a man in time to achieve their goal.

The most important thing should be becoming a self-sufficient, self-supporting, independent person. Once someone achieves that, and they have a stable home, THEN they should consider the possibility of having a child.

It should not be about feeling like you're not "whole" or complete unless you have a child, or that you're not a "real" woman, or that your family wants a grandchild, or that your list of expectations includes motherhood by a certain age. That makes it about YOU and not about the CHILD. It should ONLY be about the child, because once they exist, that is the priority.

That was my first thought!

I can't imagine "settling" when we're talking about a life partner...Still, I was never looking for the father of my children - I wasn't even looking for a life partner when I met my DH...
I know some women are desperate to have children - it's their primary focus and desire in life - some end up with kids, others don't...
My brother's GF would have had kids regardless...the child and father's interests were irrelevant - for her (and most of her friends) men are simply sperm donors and meal tickets.
I find this attitude disgraceful and feel sorry for the kids they produce...these women do so much damage but for many it's justifiable because "they wanted to have a baby"...
IMO no one should have a child just because they want one - that's only the starting point...Can you provide a loving, secure and stable home? No - then you should not have a child...
I've known women to settle to have kids - one that comes to mind was a colleague from a traditional Greek background - she married hastily in her early 30s - they seemed totally wrong for each other - she had the kids and is unhappily married - they lead separate lives and have done so for years. She once told me that she never expected her husband to be her friend - I thought that was tragic...for me, that's the cornerstone of my relationship...
IMO kids pass through the marriage - then it's just the two of you again...If you marry just to have kids - do you boot him out after the kids are raised?
I've also, known women keen to have kids that continued to "look" until they reached their 40s and then settled into an acceptance - so, it seems to depend on the strength of the urge and your character - it's different for all of us.
IMO a woman who settles to have kids is possibly making the biggest mistake of her life - with kids, you're tying yourself to someone "good enough" for life...
I also, know many women in their 30s and 40s that are soooo fussy that a target search for their "ideal man" would probably through up 4 men in the entire world - their expectations are huge and unrealistic.
I also, hate the view that a woman's "goods" are devaluing all the time - I personally think the best/strongest relationships are often the ones that start as a friendship...a mental/emotional connection that develops into more...
I've mentioned previously the librarian that worked with the office hunk - the MOST unlikely pair - thrown together to do some research for a large case...
Initially, zero physical attraction - a mental and emotional attachment developed slowly over a few months...
I'm afraid the "meat market" approach to finding a partner leaves me cold - I remember one of my friends lusting after a swimmer on the Uni team - an "Adonis" type - she didn't even notice his team mates - when she eventually met the "Adonis" - profound disappointment - he was totally self absorbed and a bit of a dill - she ended up with one of his team mates - the bloke she hadn't even noticed...
So, I disagree that women should settle BUT, if having kids is THAT important to you - you should make it a priority - don't stay with a man for years on end who isn't on the same page...and don't rule out a man because he has tiny flaws - give him a chance. As I've told my impossibly fussy friend many times, "we all have flaws - if you focus on the negative all the time, you sometimes miss the positive"...She once ditched a great man because he drove a van!

That thought pattern is just backward from what it should be. Number one is becoming independent and self sufficient. When you are capable of that, then you can think about looking for a soul mate (or making a life with the soul mate you already found)... someone that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with -- THAT comes BEFORE a child. Then, IF you choose to start a family, you will know it is right.