BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Young Mothers!!!

Hi Lizzie,
I'm sorry if we came off as judgemental, and I can see why you would be upset by this thread, since you're in the midst of such a challenging situation.

I don't think any of us are saying we think things should go back to how they were in the 50's. That's not even close to how I feel at least. I am much more of a feminist, and am very thankful that we are living in a time where women/girls have so many more choices and opportunities. Having baby when you're a teen will limit or impact your opportunities and impact your future...there's no getting around that. But with a lot of support people do succeed, so all is not lost.

The main point I was discussing was the sad fact that teen pregnancy seems like it's becoming a big trend lately, fueled by celebrities who are publicizing and glamorizing motherhood. That is very influential to young people. Also, it's a shame that sex education is not better than it is. It's just logic and reality that having a baby when you're a teen is not the best situation for the baby or the parent, or the grandparent, and will have an impact on the future of everyone involved.

I don't judge you on your response to the situation, or think that you should "force" her to do anything like adoption or abortion. All you can do is what you're doing, and she's lucky to have such a caring mother right now.

I think all of us are in agreement that it's probably not the ideal situation to have a baby, but all you can do is your best under the circumstances. With your help, it might work out okay in the end. Good luck.

When my 19 year old SIL got pregnant last year, I mentioned adoption to her mother (my MIL). (I knew better than to mention abortion.) MIL said that was not an option; that she would raise the baby herself before she would LET SIL give the baby up. Excuse me, MIL, giving the baby up is NOT your decision to make!

As a side note, SIL ended up having a miscarriage. Otherwise, we would be dealing with a 3 week old infant now...

Lizzie, I am in no way implying that you are responsible for your daughter's actions - I honestly don't see what else you could have done. A 17-year-old girl is old enough to make her own decisions, and to know the risks involved. I agree that the solution is not to stigmatise sex and pretend it doesn't happen, but on the contrary to face reality and encourage young people to do so responsibly. Not an easy task, I admit.

It sounds as if your daughter is in a good position to make the best of a difficult situation. I wish her all the best.

Lizzie you were responsible in that you made sure your daughter had bc pills and you taught her how to use a condom. I'm just wondering when you taught her about safe sex, if you also had a talk with her about waiting to have sex. I know absintence isn't always the answer but sometimes teaching your daughter about how to use condoms might come across as approval of her engaging in sexual activity. My parents weren't perfect but I knew that to pursue my education and become self-sufficient I had to make choices that furthered that and having sex with my bf in high school never even entered the picture. The fact that you don't think 20 is too young to have children was probably conveyed to her as well. Children pick up so much more than just what their parents say.

Having a child at 35, you will NOT be looking after them in your golden years. I don't by any stretch of the imagination think that age 55 is "golden"!

I am glad you are a supportive mother and your daughter can talk frankly with you. Your grandchild has a leg up on all those others that are born to teen mothers. By your picture, you appear quite young. There is a cycle that young mothers tend to be young grandmothers.

Several years ago, I worked with a young woman who was giving her baby up for adoption. She'd gotten pregnant on a one-night stand and was in her early 20s. Her income was such that she couldn't afford a baby, and she would have had to quit her job and move back in with her parents, in a town with few career opportunities. She was very open about her choice. I thought she was very brave and unselfish in choosing adoption. She got to choose the adoptive parents, and after the birth they sent her updates and pictures from time to time. Now this woman is happy and married, and last I heard was expecting a baby with her husband. Her life, and her baby's would have been much different if she had kept the baby. It just seemed that she was putting the baby's best interests first, even though it was very hard for her.

Cindy

You're assuming a lot from what I say. Why would I teach her about contraception and not teach her how important abstaining is- especially considering there are MUCH worse things than pregnancy that can result from sex? That makes no sense to me. Also, I take umbrage to your implication that I made it seem I would approve of her sexual activities- just because I don't think someone should necessarily have to wait until they're 35 to have children.

Without going into further detail, I was young when I had her. I also waited until I was 31 to have my second child (I'm also married and own my home). What message do you think that conveyed?

Lizzie - I don't care what precautions or steps you took with your daughter prior to her getting pregnant. I don't think there is really anything parents can do.

I wish more parents would handle "after the fact" like you. I think your decision is fantastic. My stepsister (who is much older than me) became a grandma at the ripe old age of 37. She was very young when she had her girls. She was pretty much white trash who did a HORRIBLE job of raising her girls, always dragging them from boyfriend's house to boyfriend's house, moving from state to state, refusing to let them see their grandmother (my stepmom), smoking and drinking and having affairs. HORRIBLE mother.

Her younger daughter got pregnant when she was 16. The names that my stepsister called my niece! The horrible things she said to her! She called her slut and tramp and whore and white trash (pot calling the kettle black) and "you make me look like a bad mother!" The girl had the kid and has lost custody of it twice now because she and her boyfriend (kid's dad) are abusive to each other and press charges on each other all the time.

I wonder - if her mother would have finally grown up and actually supported her daughter, would that baby actually have a chance? But it seems like the cycle will just continue. It's so sad, and my stepmom is essentially powerless to do anything. She's done all she could. (In her defense, she adopted her daughter when she was 14 and was already majorly messed up. There was really nothing she could do to turn the girl's life around, and I think she views the adoption as one of her biggest regrets, though she will NEVER say one word.)

So I applaud you and your decisions to support your daughter.

I couldn't agree more. That in this information age, that kids still think that STI's are things that happen to other people just boggles my mind.

Lizzie, you rock. I'm sure this is the last thing you wanted for your daughter, especially having been a young mother yourself and knowing first hand how tough she's going to find it. But kudos to you for stepping up to the plate, and I really hope you stick to your guns and make sure that she keeps the faith with her decision. So many parents of young mothers don't.

For the record, I still think that teenagers are too young to be parents. But maybe that's based on my knowledge of how NOT ready I was to have a child when I was a teen, and what a wonderful life I've had without children. My life isn't for everybody. But once it happens, as you say, you're simply along for the ride. Her body, her life, her decision. She's still your daughter and you still love her, but you knew all along that she'd do her own thing - that's just going to start a little earlier than planned, I guess!

As far as the OP goes - yep, the whole world seems to be screaming with mommy syndrome at the moment. And for a lot of these girls I think pregnancy is like an alternative reality - don't like school, don't like work, don't like my parents, so I'll just get knocked up, hook up with the father or whoever else will have me, and stay at home. Perfect. Except it's not. I just feel sorry for the innocent byproducts of their feckless lifestyles.

I have to say, I do strongly disagree with this.

I think people should be independent and self-supporting before they start having kids, and not many 20-yr-olds are that way in this day and age.

There is lots of research that shows how much more income people need to be financially stable now as opposed to 50 years ago, and it's a lot harder now. Incomes have not kept up with inflation. 50 years ago a family of 4 living on 1 income could buy a house and a car, have health insurance and their basic necessities, and live a middle class lifestyle without piling on debt. Nowadays you'd have to be extremely frugal to accomplish that, and still, watch what happens when one person encounters a health problem and their health insurance is cancelled. Credit card and other forms of debt are much more of a problem in the current economic climate. Also, even if a 20 yr old manages to find a good job without a college education, do they have a financial cushion in case something goes wrong? If you're the rare 20-yr-old who is able to be truly self-sufficient, then go ahead and have a baby. But, if you need to rely on parents to support you, or welfare, or credit cards to survive, then I think 20 is too young.

It's one thing if the grandparents want a grandbaby so badly they're willing to support the mother, but that's hardly the average best case scenario.

By the time someone is 35 I think they know themselves much better, for the most part are more financially stable, and can provide a better life for a child. Their marriage has hopefully stood the test of time. And I consider 55 practically the prime of life, hardly the golden years when the average age people live until is in the 80's.

Freida:
That is exactly how I feel (everything you said)!