BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage what couldn't you tolerate?

What is the one thing that would make you leave your spouse?
Infidelity?
Addiction?
Drinking?
Abuse in any form?

What would put you "over the edge?"

For me it would be Infidelity. I see it as such a lie. Such a slap in the face to me and to our marriage. Such a betrayal in my eyes. I just could not get over it if it happened to me and have flat out told my husband that IF he ever cheats on me, we're done...so think hard before you act.

Before we got married we had to have church sanctioned pre-marital couseling (Catholic church) and out the the 200+ questions we had to answer separately about each other and what we expect we matched something like 96% BUT one of the things we did not match up on is that he said he could work through it if I ever cheated on him. I said that I absolutely could not deal with it and I would be done. It is just me and my feelings. I could not deal.

I totally agree with jhmd. I could never be able to work past infidelity. I could never forgive that kind of act. Abuse is equally bad, but it's a completly different senario. Abuser/abused relationship dynamic is harder to break away from. Same thing with addiction. A lot of people who become involved with addicts are enablers/co-dependants. They stay in the hopes that they can change the other person and that "someday" everything will be great.

Infidelity is by far one of the worst things that can be done in a relationship, and I would leave the second I found out. I feel like almost anything else can be worked out in some way or another. And it's kinda funny Jhmd, my better half says the same thing, she thinks she could work through it as well.

The first line, of the first response, is very telling....

By this of course, you mean a metaphorical one.
Interesting that you should use a means of physical violence as an illustration of how much infidelity would hurt you.

Well, let me tell you, I've had both.
And you can give me infidelity any time, over physical abuse.

There's so much B/S written about abuse dynamics, (particularly by those who've never had direct experience - and I'm not implying this is the case here....) and why people do it, and why people stay, but in actual fact, there are as many reasons and dynamcis, as there are abusive relationships.
In other words, you'd have to take each one on it's own....
Infidelity is a cinch, after an abusive relationship.
I wouldn't have cared if he's slept with other women, other men, or all the primates from the local zoo. I didn't give a damn, about it actually.
Man is pretty much genetically engineered to be promiscuous and unfaithful. Fidelity is not part of our mammalian genetic make-up. it's a society-based, and Religiously-coerced condition.
Admittedly, if you take vows to love honour and the rest of it, then you should do that. IMHO, it's a promise to the other person. if you can't keep it, don't make it.
but it's not a crime, or an imprisonable offence.
Whereas Violence is.

Actually, I could see any one of those things being the ultimate unforgiveable thing, IF my spouse refused to genuinely and seriously get help to sort it out. Since my husband hasn't had any of these issues in the 10 years I've known him, if he did start having one of these problems it would be a real sign/symptom of trouble and something deeper going on with him. And it would be worth discovering and healing whatever that is. Even really good people can have low, sad moments in life, but if they want to get better then I'm all about forgiving and building a better life.

For me it would be anything that seriously impacted my life for the worse.

Infidelity would be extremely hard to forgive; I don't believe I could forgive or live with a man after finding that out.

And abuse? Never! I've known a woman, a sweet friend, who was abused emotionally and physically by her husband. She was reduced to nothing by him. After much counseling she finally had the courage to leave.

As far as addiction goes, it all depends on if the addicted person really and truly wants to change I guess.

Yes violence is illegal.... thanks to society - in some places, cannabalism is legal... so is marrying 12 year old girls... so that's society based as well.. surely?

I'd say both infidelity and physical abuse were on the same page (I've had both) ... both are saying 'I don't respect you'... in my opinion...

I also don't actually buy the 'Man is preprogammed to spread his seed' - there are men who never want kids and who can be faithful.. and men who do want kids who can be faithful... *also* look at animals... they have very few society bound 'laws' yet some animals, birds etc pair for life.... they don't have a 'biological need' to shag others... therefore I think it's a bit of a cop out when people throw the 'Oh.. but it's not the blokes fault.. he's MADE that way' comment at people...

Plus, if my current partner was cheating on me, I would make damn sure that I made him realise that I had slept with other men as well (not that I have.. however it would probably dent his ego, a lot of cheaters seem to be hypocrites.. it's ok for them to cheat, but would be hurt if their partner cheated)

Each to their own.. but if they hit me or cheated on me, then I would consider it of the same magnitude... what would I do? it would depend how much they grovelled and if they sought help...

All of the above. I'm assuming you meant alcoholism, not just social drinking. ('cause I'm okay with that )

I'm talking about Western society where such law is prevalent. Where is cannibalism legal in The USA or the UK?

Not so.... there are some states in the USA where there are variable ages of consent for residential citizens....some are cobnsidered very young....

Infidelity is not an imprisonable offence. That was my point. It's a 'law' only insofar as Religious ethics are concerned.


Well I've had both too. And I'd rather have to deal with my partner sticking his appendage in someone else, than sticking his fist in my face, or his boot on my throat.
To say "they're on the same page" is just ludicrous.
beating someone black and blue, breaking their bones and landing them in hospital with appaling wounds is not 'on the same page' as "Sorry honey, I slept with the Au Pair"!!


Who the hell mentioned having kids...? That's not the question...And trust me, a man who's looking to be unfaithful certainly isn't going to want kids as a testimony of his inability to keep it in his pants!! So what's your point here, exactly....?


First of all, the most faithful animals do fall into the bird kingdom. Almost no mammals have a tendency or urge to be so. We're mammals. Hence, we behave like mammals, Fidelity is a human-focussed condition. It doesn't come naturally.

This is just as relevant to females as males, by the way.

I'm not saying there's no 'fault' attached. As I said in my first post, if you can't stay faithful, don't make rash promises that you're going to be.


Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander. I rest my case.