BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Step-daughter issues...help!

I have to agree with amerz1. Fourteen is too young to be spending the night at co-ed sleepovers with all of the [censored] going on today. Especially with no parents there.

If she came out of the house and two boys followed her out and left and I didn't know there were going to be boys there and I don't care if they were cousins or brothers, if I didn't know they were going to be there, it would be the last time she went to a sleep over until she was married.

I have two daughters one is nine and one is 3 and they are allowed to enjoy their kid years and teen years until I find out that either one of them abuse that privilege. Any sleepovers will exclude boys and I do not care if they live there and there will be parents there chaperoning.

Your wife is blind to waht is going on because it is her own child, I know because I have a step son and it is pretty much the same here. "You're being too hard on him." "Why are you so quick to get after him?" Because she doesn't, that's why.

However, I digress.

Go ahead and be the heavy, let her hate you for it because someday she will love you for it.

I really thank you two, wrestlingeditorvance amd amerz1, for agreeing with me. I felt like I was getting punished for something I disagree with. Kids do not come with manuals, we the parents are thier manuals of life. We have witness enough to teach them the rights and wrongs. I will still be on my step-kids for doing wrong even if their own mother disagree. I have been all around this world of ours and seen how kids are treated in other countries. I do not believe in letting my kids growing into thier own characters without some kind of guidance. Again thank you two for your support.

You're welcome. We step-parents have to stick together.

After having some issues of my own I decided to do a search and see if anybody else was having these same type of problems and I came across yours. This was enough to make me sign up for this forum just so I could reply. Here it goes. A+ to you. Keep those eyes and ears open, especially at this age. Stay in her business and do whatever you have to do to get between your child ... and trouble. Frankly, I don't even let my children do sleep overs. Sleeping at somebody else's house is just not necessary. Spend all the time you want together but at the end of the day go home and sleep under your own roof with your own family in your own bed. And then if you want to be with your friends again the next day, fine. The MySpace issue is out of control. TOOOOOO YOUNG. Behind those screens kids seem to have no inhabitions. They will do and say anything because they are not face to face. They do and say things that they would not normally do because they have no fear. This is my issue that I am having right now. If your interested in hearing my problem, let me know and I'll tell you but right now this is about your issue. AT 14, I think it's fine to have a MySpace account WITH occasional monitoring. I am a firm believer in checking emails, drawers, listening to calls within earshot range, checking texts, speaking to parents regarding "get togethers and hanging out", etc. etc. etc. I want to know what they are doing, who they are with, where they are going, did they go where they said they were going, and are there parents there. I never announce my comings and goings and I make my rules very clear. I have 5 children ages 20, 16, 13, 12, 11. I have my hands full but I also have my eyes and ears open. Thank God none of them do drugs, are pregnant, or even have bad grades. They are popular with their friends and frankly, so are my husband and I. Their friends ALWAYS want to come here, eat here, sleep here and hang out here. I guess where doing something right. They aren't always happy with our rules but at the same time I belive kids crave disipline and guidelines. Let me ask you this, is the older children a boy or a girl and how old?

My wife told me that one time and I told her that she was crazy. Kids for the most part would like to have freedom and no rules, but, I found that I was wrong.

While they do like to have some freedoms, they want rules and discipline as well because it shows that they are cared for and taken care of and it gives them a sense of security.

Sorry for my absence. Threeplusfourisseven, yes please tell me your story. I would love to hear it.
For me at my home, I am getting extremely close to calling it quits. I feel like a visitor in my own house, the kids always gather around their mother and never me. I feel like I am there just to pay bills, cook and do laundry. If I tell the kids something they turn to their mother to get confirmation. So, this coming summer is my D-Day if it come to that.

Overkill... I signed up for this forum just to answer you. You and your wife have a major problem, and if you do not get help fast things are only going to get worse. My wife was EXACTLY the same way when I tried to express concern or discipline my step children. She also told me I was over reacting in front of the kids, and when your partner is disrespecting your opinion in front of the kids, the kids will not respect it either!

You and your wife need to go to some type of counseling. As parents it is critical that you present a unified front to the children on issues of house rules and discipline.

When reading your situation it sends chills down my spine because I have been through the EXACT SAME situations... with the exact same responses.

In my situation... my wife and I are now divorced. Believe it or not, after 2 years the step kids have ALL come back to live with me instead of their "real mother" or "real father".

The bottom line... although they may complain and get angry... giving kids rules and boundaries MAKES THEM FEEL LOVED. If they are doing something wrong and you are doing your best to prevent it... they will know you love them.

Act fast... get some help... it will be much easier if you and your wife do this together.

Sjohn, thanks for the advice, but we have gone down the road three times with different counselors. And nothing works, the last one told me by e-mail that my wife isn't eager enough to change her ways. And the counselor told me that I am not the one to blame and not to worry. My wife is one of those people that blames everyone else besides herself.
So, I am still hanging on to some reason that I can not put my finger on; love, scare or just stupid. Maybe I am staying for the kids sake, because I see things that their mother doesn't.

I'm sorry to be so late coming into this (not sure how I missed this the first time around). But you came in asking for women's points of views - and very few of us have responded to you!

I'll give you my bakground first; I'm the mom, my husband the step-dad. 2 children from a previous marriage (16 boy, 10 girl) and to add to it, my 16 yr old has Asperger's syndrom (a type of autism). Then my husband and I have a 5 yr old together. We just celebrated our 7 yr anniversary - and we actually dated for 2 yrs prior to getting married, mainly so we could see how the family dynamic would work.

So he has been in my older two kid's lives since they were 8 & 2. They are still very attached to their dad, even though he lives in a different state - but for my daughter, especially - hubby has been as much a daddy to her as real father.

I do not think you overreacted, of those parents didn't know there were boys spending the night - then they also didn't know what else was going on. A party my oldest son went to when he was 13, the parents WERE there to chaperone (it was just a party, not spen the night / so it was co-ed). But the parents didn't want to be too intrusive, so the party was in their basement and they stayed upstairs and would come downstaris to check on the kids every 20-30 minutes.

I thought that sounded perfectly reasonable. Then the parents caught a couple having oral sex out in their backyard! They noticed this couple was missing, so looked around - and there you go. They immediately called ALL parents, stopped the party, everybody went home.

This is a good couple, and responsible parents. They TRIED to be there, and it still blew up on them. So, no you didn't overreact - kids do different things these days.

And no matter what, your wife should support you.

My husband and I went through pre-marital counseling, and one of the biggest things we learned is that in a blended family - the spouses have to be united first. That is the firm foundation that holds the family strong. You will disagree, but never in front of the kids.

Almost every time I have disagreed with my husband over punishment or discipline of kids - it has been after they have gone to bed, or when they are in a different room. The few exceptions to that have been a few arguments concerning my oldest son and hubby. Like I said, my son has Asperger's - and so discipline has to be handled differently sometimes, things can escalate quickly if we try to push a point and he is in a "danger-zone" emotion area. He has to be given time to calm down before rational conversatio can occur. The 2 of them will occasionally get into a shouting match, and the gauge goes up and up, and I will step in to say: "OK we need to take a break from this, and come back".

In all fairness to my husband, he has had to do this one time with me and my son also (16 yr olds can push buttons!)

But I don't know how you can salvage a relationship all by yourself. It's called a "couple" for a reason. It takes both of you. I can understand that you are wanting to stay for the children. But, if they are in a complete united front against you, I'm not sure anything you can do will make a difference. They will always look to mom to say "OK" - over your head and behind your back.

I'm sorry. I think it really is time for the ultimatum - but you have to be ready to follow through when things don't change.

Thanks for your support "Michelle." Things have calmed down somewhat around my home, but I know it is still there waiting to exploded again. I feel left out with the kids. They would group around their mother at night while she is in bed and I am alone in the family room. But if I would go in the room with them the kids would start to leave one after he other. I have brought this up to them and my wife and she says that I am overreacting, especially in front of them. They are not bad kids and they do show me some sort of respect, but really not enough to include me in their every day lifes. I am always here what their plans are from my wife not directly from them.
I should be grantful that my kids don't treat my as bad as my daughters friends does towards their step-fathers. I really cherish my daughter and wish she see's me as a loving father, but she has the same attitude as her mother. I am here until I break, I nned my kids...even if they are not mine.