BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids WOAH - My mother gave it to me today!

Poor! sorry you got blindsided-

It took me a long time to figure out how to deal with my mom. Now I know- I never volunteer information about my plans for the future. I'd rather she be annoyed when she finds out what I've done than have to discuss my plans with her for weeks or months and then defy her. I also plan ways to distract her- I might invite her good friend to be present, or wait to tell her something until I'm helping her watch my cousin's twins.

Now that I've figured out how to manage her I feel so liberated, and she is actually happier as well. I think of it like jingling keys in front of a toddler while you take your cell phone out of it's grubby hands...

Maybe if the subject comes up again you can be prepared with statistics about how expensive children are or how much sleep parents lose. Mention labour pain and get her to focus on herself.

Best of luck!

I got married at 18-and-a-month to get away from my mother. Once I did, I never worried about what she thought about things. I'm not saying it's a great solution to get married and run off - but I do think it's important to make a break and simply not let her desires affect you. It is your life you're leading, and you are the one who needs to be happy with the results. Whether she's happy or not happy has to come in second. She had her own life to lead. She can't lead yours for you as well.

I posted awhile back about my dad blindsiding me with bingoes, wanting to "clear the air" on whether I was having children or not. My "no" answer was not well received, so I know how you feel. Sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks!!!

I think what happens is we're going along in life, knowing it will be our choice what we do, have kids, get married, whatever profession we choose...and we voice our feelings to our parents here and there throughout life. What we don't realize is that our parents actually didn't see having kids as a choice, and were just saying "okay, okay, whatever you want" because they assumed we'd change our minds like they did. So when we make that choice they say, "WAIT! I didn't mean you had THAT much choice." Society says we are free, but at the same time it has these expectations that you don't realize until AFTER you make the decision to take the "alternate" path.

I always was a fencesitter, and all over the place about the decision, but didn't see the reaction coming from my family (What about our traditions? What about our bloodlines? What about our grandkids?) and the reaction from society (You must be a cold, selfish person if you don't have kids). It's really shocking when you first realize it.

I absolutely LOVE verspertine's advice on mother-management, and plan on using that myself. Thanks SO much. I sort of do that, because a therapist once explained to me that "You can't reason with an unreasonable person" and that I should try and just throw humor back at her when she starts acting unreasonable. That can actually be kind of fun. Just say crazy stuff back, and it's exactly right to treat her somewhat like a toddler. It's really weird, but I swear it works. If you can change the mood, change the subject, distract her with questions about herself, make her laugh, change the chemistry in the room, it can work wonders.

Secretly, I even use this technique somewhat with my DH...if he's stressing about something, or upset, I'll try and change the subject by making him laugh, or distracting him. i just love that comparison to shaking keys in front of a toddler. That is perfect. It's actually an act of kindness if you think about it, because you're alleviating the other person's stress, and lightening the mood. It can really improve your relationship.

At first I thought it would be too superficial, because we want to be "real" with people, but you have to keep a distance and not reveal all your innermost feelings to certain people. You'll learn who those people are...sounds like your mom is one of them.

You should have replied.. 'Oh, Ok mother.. I won't tell you about Derek just yet then...'

and waited for the response.

Soon, I would imagine that not having kids is infinately better thand being gay (in some peoples eyes... I think either is personal choice and doesn't bother me)so she'll be so happy her only son isn't gay.. she won't care about the Grandkids. :-)

My mom asked me the same thing. Good point, Kim, I think that it would have been better for my mom to hear that I am gay than that I don't want kids!

My mom also once randomly told me that if I had a baby, she would quit her job to take care of it for me...but only if 'it had a father. I won't do it if it is one of those test-tube babies.'

What the *($@??! It gets weirder and weirder.

Ha ha!! Sounds like just the kind of rational person you'd WANT to watch your kids alright. NOT. Were there any other criteria of conception she would require before she'd babysit??