BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Women & Baby Duties

There are many reasons that my hubby and I do not want to travel down the "baby-lane". Some are shared reasons some are specific to DH and some are specific to me. One of my reasons is that as much as I love my husband, I know that if we were to have children, the majority of the baby work and child care "duties" would fall on me, as the mother and I would be resentful of having a full time job and these extra duties. I would do them b/c they would have to be done but I would be very irritatee w/ darling hubby for this. We all know that the majority of the time, surely not all of the time, these baby duties (feeding, bathing, shopping for, transporting to daycare, doctors visits etc.) fall on the mother/female in the pair. Again, not always, as I have a friend who raised twin girls because their mother (his ex-wife) decided she didn't want to be a mother anymore and took off. He did a wonderful job raising the girls and they are now at a fantastic, well-known university.

I am currently the person who handles most of the "house stuff" meaning grocery shopping (I do coupons and am very calculated so I prefer to do it) and the bill paying/account keeping. He hates doing it, I enjoy knowing where we stand so we like it this way. He works full time as do I. I have to give him credit though. He likes to cook, I hate it so I thank him for that! I know that if I were to "talk him into" having a kid (which I will not do) that I would take on the majority of the grunt work involved in raising a human being. So it is one of the myriad reasons we are not procreating.

I wonder if there are any of the women on this board who have also thought about this and are not willing to take on that amount of extra responsibility? Maybe more fencesitters think about this? I think this may be especially true for guys who are not gung-ho on the idea of having kids but have them anyway. I am putting it out there because I know I can't be alone with these thoughts. I am curious as to how many of you have thought about this and decided that this is another reason not to sign on for parenthood? Some moms love doing all of that stuff - I would not.

I think this is one of the many reasons I don't want kids.

However I think my views are slightly more extreme than your level headed ones.

For example, I would really, really resent not being able to drink alcohol for 9 months and not do certain things... whilst my partner was able to... that would really get to me. 'Sorry, I'm off to go clubbing, catch you later' or anything like that would irritate me whilst I was sat at home, enormous...

And then once the child is born... breastfeeding is apparantly 'good' for the kid - hell no.. I don't want to feed the child all the time, I would want it to be equal.. so I would express milk.. but that takes time, energy.. everything has to be clean, sterile.. and once again, you can't do certain things whilst breasfeeding or expressing so once again MY life isn't back to normal.

So then I've got this kid.. and my body has changed... his is exactly the same - not his fault, granted.. but it would still make me resentful...

And as for my career... urghh, I would not want to take maternity leave.. I don't want to look after a child 24/7 and I know my partner wouldn't.. so I'd foist it off onto a child minder when it was a month old - hence.. why have kids if you do that? I don't want to be passed over for promotion as there are the words 'maternity leave' on my employment record... and I don't want to be bugged every week over what my little brat has done wrong at school or if he's ill I have to come home early... and it would probably be me the school / child minder contacted.. not my partner.

And I think, having watched so many women have babies... it always seems to be the woman home at the weekend.. and the bloke going out with his mates - that would spell the end of our relationship...

... at which point he would be handed the kids..... as I wouldn't want to raise them on my own.

Hence why I won't be getting up the duff :-)

For me, these are also some of my reasons for not wanting kids. Mainly, I know myself, and there is no way I could handle working full time and also being a full time mom. I'd be way too stressed out! And, I need lots of alone time, which would never happen w/ kids. Also, like you said, I think if we had kids the majority of the responsibilities and the not-fun things about raising kids would fall to me, since my husband (while I love him to death and he is a great man!) is more playful and would be the 'fun' parent while I would be the disciplinarian. Even with our dog, he sometimes starts laughing when I'm trying to get her to follow a command--so he tries to hide his giggles, and she makes a goofy face and then it all falls apart. Still, it's a dog so it's easy to recover and get her in line, but with a kid...not so much.

And I'm with you Linux Lady on the no alcohol thing--plus what I've seen of my friends w/ kids is that even though they thought it was originally just 9 months not drinking, it turned into basically forever since they ended up having to mind the kids all the time while hubby gets to drink, etc. (Again, this goes back to the guy not having to make any changes w/ his body, his hobbies, his lifestyle, friends etc.) One of my friends hasn't had a pint in over two years! Oh, the horror!

My husband is a wonderful guy, but I do all the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, bills, and 90% of the cleaning. If we had a baby, 90% of its care would fall on me too. I'm not ready to lose every last second of free time I have--which is considerably less than he has.

He also likes me to dress trendy/sexy and my figure is very important to him. Some guys don't really care, but mine does. I just wouldn't want him to see my body like this. It's bad enough that my weight has gone up and down like a yo-yo over the years, but all the weight in one place would leave some awful scars behind, particularly at this age! I don't really care if this sounds "selfish" becuase it's how I feel.

My brother-in-law (his sister's hubby) is a real hands on dad. He's always cooked and cleaned and when their daughter (he WANTED a girl, BTW) came along, he jumped right in with both feet. Would I have a kid if my husband was like him? No. But I might have actually considered the option if I knew I'd get some help.

This is one of my big reasons for not wanting kids. My husband has several hobbies that keep him busy and away from the house at times. I would not want to be a "single mom" while he's off enjoying himself. This weekend for example, he'll be out of town for one of his hobby activities. I have a event involving one of my hobbies, and I'd be mad if I had to either cart a kid along (which would be a big pain, because my hobby is boring for very small children, and you have to watch them like a hawk to prevent them breaking valuable things at these events) or I would have to miss the event, or find a weekend-long babysitter. This way, I have to worry about none of those things, I just might have to ask my neighbor to feed my dogs if I don't make it home in time. No big deal! I LOVE my freedom to do whatever I want when my husband is busy, and not have to worry about looking after or entertaining kids!

Cindy

You hit the nail on the head with this one. I, as it appears many of you, do most of the house duties (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.). My hubby's only duties are yard work and garbage and do you think that if I don't remind him every Tuesday night that "tomorrow is trash day", he'd take it out on his own? NO! So if I don't remind him, we have trash sitting in the garage for over a week, and that reeks.
Plus when I do remind him that he has to take out the trash, he give me that exasperated sigh, "Ohhhh, kaaay!" WTF!!! He has one job, once a week. I wish I could get away with only having to do the dishes once a week.

I have a pretty good husband. I grocery shop, cook, pay the bills & do the taxes and he will shop for all the other stuff, do laundry, all outside work like shovelling, lawn mowing and weeding, and the dishes. We couldn't agree on the house cleaning so we have someone come in to do it. I love that!

I still resent that when I get home, I change, workout and then head straight into the kitchen to make dinner. I like to cook but by this time he's been home for a couple of hours and the whole time he's been in the den playing on the computer!

I know how much more work kids are since we get our nephews for the weekend a few times a year. I see how we are with them. We would lose ourselves if we had children. They would require much more time and energy than we have to give.

My hubby needs way more alone time than me and I would not like that my husband would not have the energy to be loving and thoughtful to me because he was overloaded with kid stuff!

I love this thread. Trying to pick out quotes from your posts that apply exactly to me would basically mean quoting 90% of your posts!

I actually consider myself a feminist, but my DH (much as I love him) has far superior skills at getting me to do the lion's share of the housework. I KNOW some of you are thinking you're "letting" it be this way, but all i can say is you can only argue or live in a messy house so much or for so long. It's a small house, and I prefer it cleaned to a certain standard, and it's quicker to just do it myself. He helps on big cleanings for special occasions, and does bonus things like windows or whatever, so it's not like he's sitting around while I'm working.

Also, I MUCH prefer my own cooking, I've decided after a few experiences of his. But still, it is a bit of a festering issue in our marriage, and I already have enough problems dealing with feelings of resentment toward him sometimes (like when I hear about a guy who cooks! Sigh).

We discussed these issues into the GROUND, and I have to admit, when I pull back and look at the big picture, he does a ton of things that I don't know how to do, or refuse to do because either it's a dirty, disgusting job, or requires skills that I don't have, and he has in abundance. It's not like he's sitting around doing nothing. He used to wash the dishes religiously, but had to stop because he literally works his fingers to bleeding hamburger every day, and is in lots of pain.

Anyway, I have seen the light, and know that in addition to having to do the large majority of the housework with a kid, take care of the kid, AND bring in income (it makes more sense for us financially right now), he also happens to be not a big housework or cooking kinda guy.

I told him once, "We'd have to get help if we had a kid most likely, at some point, so I could work and pull it all off without nervous breakdown...like a babysitter sometimes" if we had a kid (I can't imagine never having anything like that, and we have no family around to help), and his response was, "If we have a kid we have to raise it ourselves!" So, to me that said it all right there, and this is a HUGE reason I've been a fencesitter.

Also, I am also like others who would feel deprived of life's "pleasures" a little too much during pregnancy. When I followed it out like the rest of you, and realized it doesn't end anytime soon after you have the baby even, because then you're breastfeeding, or responsible for a child. Gnarly. I'm just a little reluctant to sign on for that!

This is one of my main reasons too. Even IF the childraising was 50/50, the idea that I would be the one who had to use my body as a baby-maker and suffer the permenant consquences of that is unacceptable. I know that I would be resentful about that forever. But also, the fact is that it is never 50 50 anyway. If you decide to accept becoming a milk machine, then the feeding can never be equal, and I think that it starts off unequal because the woman is the one stuck at home on maternity leave - even if you only took 3 or 4 months, that's enough time to establish the habit that the woman does more of the childcare/homecare then the man. It becomes your job, and then if you are lucky 'you' can get help or daycare, but it's like it is relieving the woman from her responsibility up until that point. The man never had it to begin with.

Ditto. My husband is a golf addict and also has kids from his ex that he has to visit several times/week, so I would be stuck with raising the kid myself.... I do all the housework as it is - clean, cook, laundry, etc. He just mows the grass (and only after I gripe about it!! LOL!). Even if my husband had no hobbies or other kids, I would not want to change my lifestyle and devote everything to another human. I like enjoying my own hobbies and life. I'm too busy with my own things! I don't have the patience for kids' soccer practice, cheerleading, piano lessons, etc. In the morning, I don't want to be forced into cooking breakfast for kids and giving them a bath....I can barely make it to work on time alone! LOL!