BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Becoming a CF Role-Model

I've already designated myself as the "cool aunt" to my little niece...I'll be the one who takes her on fun trips, buys her the best clothes, goes with her to get her first tattoo....

I think some people assume the CF are a cold, hard hearted lot...in fact, we're just ordinary people who have taken (for various reasons)another path in life.
Hopefully, people see that when they mix with us and yes, I agree when young girls and boys see our lifestyle - hopefully, they'll understand parenting is optional.
My nephew certainly understands parenting is an option - he corrects teachers, friends and relatives that assume all people will have kids.
I've found being a 50 year old CF woman, younger women often want to discuss the CF option with me - looking for support or information. I'm happier chatting about my feelings at this point in my life - when I was younger I tended to avoid this topic - I felt it was too private for open debate.

My daughter is only 11, I have always been a single Mother.

I am trying to make sure she understands a couple things. One of which is that women don't have to have children to be fulfilled in life. Its a completely viable option to NOT have children. I have also been telling her that because she is a female that doesn't mean that men have the right to take advantage of her or use her like a doormat.

I was raised in a patriarchal kind of religion and I was taught so many stupid and self defeating things.

I want my daughter to have freedom and the strength of character to live the way she wants to live.

I post on another forum and have been in a couple posts started by this parent who I fondly call a brain donor. She honestly believes (along with some others) that she is right to have children and anyone who doesn't is WRONG, morally wrong.

She detailed her emotional journey to churning out three children and how she came to that decision to keep having them. I was just astonished.

Lisa,
I love the things you're teaching your daughter. You sound like such a great mom. You and your daughter are lucky to have each other. I've always known that having one excellent parent is better than having two so-so parents. My mom is an excellent mother. I see my dad every 5 years for a weekend. I have no regrets.

Funny, my CF role-model wasn't CF!

My mom felt that she didn't have the choice to NOT have children and is very happy that one of her girls is choosing that path. She always said in another life, she would be me!

I have never had a female CF role model - I really wish I did since it would have given me support.
The only CF female in my family was an older cousin of my mom's that never married. She really wasn't a role model for me since she was a strange lady.

This post has me thinking about how/where we can find role models for CF. Some of you have posted about family members who were cf--how lucky you are!! And I know there are some famous people that we've talked about before, Helen Mirren, etc. But I'm wondering if there are any books or stories about the fabulous lives cf-ers have lead? That would be cool to read a great book about someone who loved their life that way and appreciated being cf, how they faced society and stood their ground, etc.

I have a faux "Aunt" (longtime friend of my mother's) who is now 65. I will be visiting in a couple of weeks and I hope to broach this subject with her. She is my CF role model.

She is very independent and extremely savvy, financially, travel-wise, and keenly follows personal interests. She sits on committees related both to her work and art, and handles other people's personal trusts as part of her career--though that's winding down. I think her CF-ness resonates with me so much because I want to live a full and varied life as she does. My Aunt possesses so many skills that I would love to develop. I want to be like her. Not like mu mom with a family + kids so much (sorry Mom!:)

My Aunt is supportive of the CF life in anyone (and she is also supportive of mommies too, I might add.) But she truly is a special role model for me. Her husband passed away recently and she still embraces the childfree life to the full, although it must be difficult for her. I look forward to wonderful conversations with my Aunt soon.

I hope she feels comfortable chatting about her feelings on CF-ness at this point in her life, as you say, Deborah.

I've mentioned previously that I am careful about who I tell that I am editor of this website. That is to protect myself from unwanted criticism.

It isn't exactly a secret, but I don't make a big deal of it at every meeting or social function I attend. I tread softly, usually only "going there" after someone asks if I have kids or why I don't want them, etc.

BUT, I know I have been a role model to at least a few young women that I know, either interns I've had or daughters of people I work with.

You get to know an intern over the semester, and we will talk about things in our lives. I have photos of my nephew in my office, so of course they always ask if he's my son. I usually use that as a way to explain that I don't want kids. I tell them why, and I tell them that I run this website.

They are college aged women (for some reason, we don't get as many men in the museum field...) who are thinking about their futures. I like to think that I give them an example that shows them if they don't want kids, it's OK. Some have said they don't want kids. Others might want to, but at least I have shown them that someone who doesn't want kids isn't some kind of freak show monster or something.

I have one friend at work whose daughter is thinking about not having kids. She asked me to write down the address of the website so her daughter could look at it, to help her make this decision.

Most of all, I suppose, I am a kind of anonymous role model, living out here in cyberspace, to the thousands of people who read my website every month.

And even though I don't always wear my CF status on my sleeve, I am VERY PROUD of this website and enjoy speaking out about this lifestyle, to help all of you defend your decision, make your decision, or at least make people aware that having kids *IS* a decision, not an automatic response to "growing up."

Kim

Kim Kenney
MNK Editor

Lisa,

you sound like an amazing mom. your daughter is lucky to have you!