BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Women & Baby Duties

Oh my....this is my VERY sore spot! I couldn't agree with all of you more. Before my husband and I separated, I took care of almost everything in the home (including the budget and paying bills) and kept track of care taking on the outside of the home (i.e. when to apply pesticides, trim shrubs, change oil in cars, etc). I have to admit though that he did "try" to do things inside the home, like wash "some" of his own laundry (although I now suspect that was a ploy to keep me from finding the other woman's perfume and lipstick) and he always cooked dinner as he was a very good cook and I was always too tired from work.

I know though that if we would have had a child, I would be doing all the disciplining, bathing, and nightly feedings. He would be out and about with his friends having fun while I was at home having no fun. Plus, as some of you pointed out, while he virtually has no changes to his life or his body, EVERYTHING would change for me. My body would be stretched out of shape, my hormones changed, and I would have alot of excess body fat (no one in my family could ever lose all the weight they gained from pregnancy, try as they might. That is a hereditary trait...ugh). In addition, I would end up with virtually ALL of the responsiblity for the kid while all hubby did was come in and play a little while only to give the kid back to me...ARGGGG!

It just SUCKS that society places EVERYTHING on the woman and I just couldn't participate in something I know will be totally unfair in responsibility (even if I wanted a kid, I think this would be a real problem for me and potentially cause me to decide against a kid in the long run). I see my BFF complain constantly that she is left with all the responsibility while her hubby lounges around watching TV after work at night or is out with friends. Well, she also has been at work all day. He should HELP -- 50/50. This would cause MAJOR problems with my marriage.

I could go on and on and rant forever on this topic but I will spare you

YES! to you all.

I also do about 90% of all housework - that includes taking the garbage out, bringing the cans in, shoveling the driveway in winter, mowing the lawn in summer, shopping, taking dogs to vet, PLUS my normal cleaning duties.

I have given up trying to help, more or less, because trying to get him to do housework is like pulling teeth. He'd rather sit on the couch and watch TV. The evenings are, of course, his time to unwind after a hard day's work designing websites. And the weekends? They are his time to unwind from the long week.

He works a 40-hour week, plays volleyball until 9 sometimes on Mondays, and has game night until 11 on Tuesdays.

I work 30-35 hours, depending on the week, and my only "extra-curricular" activity is doing Turbo Kick on Tuesday mornings, plus various other workouts that I try to squeeze in.

And yet I still get everything done.

Okay, now let's just pretend like we are going to have a baby.

DH has told me that if we had a baby he'd do AT LEAST 50% of the work. Well, considering he does 10% of the work (dishes once or twice a week) then he would have to make a BIIIIIGGGG change. He swears he would.

HA!

Of course, he also claims that he does 50% of the work now. He is sadly deluded, my friends!

I know I should MAKE him help more, but to be honest, you have to pick your battles, and I'm more sane when I just suck it up and do it myself.

But if we had a kid, there is NO WAY I'd just suck it up like I do now.

Yes, Yes & Yes...
My DH is hopeless in the house, soooo untidy.
We argued about it when we started to live together - I can't bear living in chaos. My DH is clean BUT untidy.
His Mother did everything for her sons and created domestic nightmares - until recently at family gatherings the men would sit on their backsides while the women did the kitchen stuff. My SIL died 18 months ago so we're down to two females in the family - my SIL & I have started to hand out duties - everyone now helps out - we now have men in the kitchen!
My DH works VERY hard - he's a partner and works long hours. He also, handles the outdoor stuff - the BBQ, pool etc. So, he makes a contribution...
My DH's standard is lower than mine - so instead of arguing, I do it - my DH would be happy for me to arrange some help. I have decided when the renovations are finished, I'll get some help.
My DH likes to rest after work, listen to music - he also, likes peace and quiet. He's an excellent cook but that was given away years ago with the pressure of work. I'm hoping he will take it up again in the future. He's hoping to wind back work in 5 years or so...an option with no kids.
So, a baby - it would have fallen on me. My DH would have helped if I actually asked for help but I've found it easier over the years, to just do it...
I must say this wasn't part of my thinking really - we were just never that keen...
I have always thought pregnancy, childbirth & breastfeeding looked/sounded uncomfortable and/or unpleasant (childbirth often sounds like a traumatic experience to me - some of the natural childbirth stories leave me shaking)...
Giving up alcohol would have been very hard - I love my wine.
BUT, it's the freedom to be spontaneous and maintain control in my life that would have bothered me more than anything else...
I also, don't like looking after small children for more than a short period and don't feel competent to be in charge of very young kids ie. I've never changed a nappy in my life!
We're better with older kids...
Cherry Red - Does your DH also, keep himself in shape?
One thing that really annoys me are men that expect their wives and GFs to be trim and sexy BUT, it's fine for them to "let themselves go" - I hate that double standard.
One of my friends from University is always on a diet - she is sooo careful and is rake thin - her DH is very overweight...she still says things like, "S thinks I've gained a bit of weight recently so, I'll have to be more careful"...WHAT!
"S" is overweight!...in no position to point the finger.
It amazes me intelligent women fall for this double standard.
(& Cherry Red - I'm sure you're not one of them!)

He does keep himself in shape, yes. He's been into Martial Arts since he was a kid and weight lifting since he was a teen. Also, while he prefers me to be more of an average weight, he's almost always been very supportive of me when I've gained weight too. My metablism is very slow and I'm a stress eater. My mother is a dietitian so, I do know what I'm supposed to eat, but it's not always that easy. He knows this.



This is my cousin and her husband. SHe's got an eating disorder and he looks like he ate all her food. It drives everyone crazy.



Me too. Don't worry. I didn't take offence. The hubby and I have decided that we have to take care of ourselves so we'll be able to take care of each other as we get older. We also admit to wanting to look nice for each other and for ourselves. I don't like it when people think you have to dress/look a certain way because you're older. I just like to look like myself.

Hubby and I have decided to spend our money on ourselves. Why not? We don't have kids to spend it on. After I lose these last few pounds I'm considering lipo. I have an inherated the family thighs that no amount or dieting, weight lifting or excercise will reduce or tone. The hubby told me when we were teens that if he ever started losing his hair, he'd get a transplant and I was fine with that. WHile he doesn't need one, I can understand the way he feels about his hair/appearance because of the way I feel about my legs.

We're at that do-or-die age (39/42) on the kid issue and while we've always known we were CF, it's even clearer now. We're going to fix up our house and make it the home we've always wanted. We're going to fix up ourselves and be the people we've always wanted to be (not just surgery wise, but education-wise, etc, being better about healthy eating & daily excercise--investing time and money in ourselves). Putting the kid issue to rest has made things much clearer for us. It really is freeing when you get to the point that it's really no longer an option.

I hear you Cherry Red - welcome aboard!
We also, enjoy our money - we love eating out, entertaining, travelling...we're in the middle of a major restoration/renovation of our home including a temperature controlled wine room...
I don't apologize for our lifestyle - we all make choices in life.
I agree it's nice to look after yourself - I was cursed with "huge" breasts - they seemed to appear from nowhere when I was 13 - I HATED them and all the unwelcome male attention.
I finally had a reduction in my late 30s - thank goodness they're gone! I say if you're unhappy with something - then fix it - if you're not happy with what you see in the mirror, it changes the way you feel about yourself and the way you conduct your life.
My only concern with cosmetic procedures are the people that are 50 and want to look 20 again - it's just not possible, you just end up looking strange.
I personally think people can look good at any age - it just takes a positive outlook & a little more time and energy...
I read the one thing that makes a huge difference for women over 45 is a really good hair cut - I tend to agree...
I love the fact we have so many great older women on TV and in the movies these days - also, in all professions and walks of life.
Makes me feel positive about turning 50! My 40s were amazing - if my 50s are half as good, I'll be very happy!

Hah! What you seriously should do is put a sheet of paper on the fridge with blank spaces under each day of the week. Each time one of you does a chore, write it in under that day, that way you can physically SEE who has done what, and how often. I bet that would wake him up to seeing exactly how little he does compared to you!

Urghh.. So am I sadly.. 34G...

I have a slightly twisted spine thanks to them and I was a 32C when I was 9... 9!!! I used to get the most disgusting comments from grown men when I was that age who used to leer at me...

Anyway, I'm a baggy polo shirt woman.. always have been - I always wear minimiser bras and baggy tops and still I get comments.

The thing that really, really annoyed me... if I ever say I plan to have a reduction, nearly all men say 'Oh no.. don't do that!!' I'm like ..er.. excuse me? they have made my spine twist.. I have 2 fused vertabrae and they cause me pain.. and you're saying no, why? Oh right.. as they're nice to look at... how lovely for you that you think it's better for me to be in pain and allow you to letch at me..

One bloke said ' Yes, but think how well fed your kids would be'.. I was livid and told him I wouldn't be having children and if I did.. they would be on a bottle.. that way we could BOTH feed it...

Sad fecking saddos....

Oh...you poor thing - 34G...not sure about the 34 bit - I was 10E at age 12 or 13...I always wore loose tops and a skirt or trousers - dresses were impossible - they'd be too tight across the chest and way too big from the waist down - no "summer" clothing - all cover up stuff - I couldn't wear t-shirts or bikini's - all out...
So, it's funny when people complain about the loss of their body in middle age - at 38...for the first time in my life, I liked my body.
I had back and neck pain - found it difficult to play sport and was very uncomfortable over summer.
Good riddance...
The creeps turned me off men - I simply didn't trust them - a direct approach sent me running - my DH was a friend - because I trusted him, he was able to get close...
I put up with wolf whistles, being grabbed and pinched, being hassled by perverts, putting up with flashers, feeling threatened and afraid...I narrowly avoided being attacked on a couple of occasions. It was without doubt the worst part of my young years. I'm sorry I didn't know how to defend myself - most of these men are cowards and opportunists.
I've heard that after a certain age, women become invisible to men - thank goodness! Don't miss it for a second...so pleased I don't have to put up with all that stuff anymore...
My DH threw me a "jugs off" party...it was soooo wonderful to be rid of them.
Go for it Linux Lady - you'll never regret it!

I did it too.

I was a late bloomer. I had nothing until I was 15. During the summer between grade 10 & 11 I went from zero to 34B. I had girls checking me out in gym class to see if I was stuffing my bra! I was the object of a lot of gossip that year.

I was very happy with my body, however they kept growing! By age 24 I was 40DD! I'm sure some of it was due to my weight gain but at 120lbs I was by no means overweight. I always envied women who dieted and could lose off their chest. Not me. They are now a thing of the past. I got rid of them at age 33. Best thing I ever did.

After the surgery, I took a couple of more weeks off to recuperate and everyone thought I had gone to a spa and lost weight. I'm in much better proportion now. Best thing, it was covered by OHIP so it didn't cost me a cent!

"One of my reasons is that as much as I love my husband, I know that if we were to have children, the majority of the baby work and child care "duties" would fall on me, as the mother and I would be resentful of having a full time job and these extra duties. I would do them b/c they would have to be done but I would be very irritatee w/ darling hubby for this. We all know that the majority of the time, surely not all of the time, these baby duties (feeding, bathing, shopping for, transporting to daycare, doctors visits etc.) fall on the mother/female in the pair."

BOY can I relate to this!!!
When I was a teenager, either 14, 15 or 16 I WISH I could remember which! I decided I didn't want to get cooking, cleaning up everything OR having kids!

Funnily enough I often ended up with boyfriends who could cook and liked to and some of them were even childfree!

When hubby and I got together, I was working full time and he (self-employed) had only sporadic bursts of work now it's pretty much daily! But cause he was the one at home, he did all the housework as it was only fair!
Also he is used to having a proper meal cooked for him and I DON'T cook AND I HATE cooking and so he realised pretty darn soon if he wanted THAT he was going to have to do the cooking HIMSELF.
Now that we both work full time he still does most of the cooking and cleaning. (I do help though of course and I almost always do the dishes) Lucky for him he actually LIKES cooking.
Lucky for both of us he's pretty good at it!
But I just KNOW that if we had kids
unless he became a stay at home dad there's a very good chance that I would end up doing all the domestic stuff. It's just the way it seems to work out I'm told.
Even in very egalitarian marriages in which pre baby the housework is divided right down the middle - half each - I've read resarch that says once baby comes along the man and women tend to revert to traditional roles.
I'm not dirty I'm not messy, I'm not unhygienic AT ALL BUT I'm not very domesticated nor do I WANT to be!
Nor am I really that traditionally minded!