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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 493 Likes: 3
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 493 Likes: 3 |
Sure I've heard people say that. Just like I've heard people say that your life can't be complete without children. People say many different things...doesn't mean all of them are true.
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 988
Parakeet
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Parakeet
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 988 |
I haven't heard this comment before, but I have heard men say they do want to "spread their seed" even if they don't want to raise children. I don't know you or your husband, but it sounds like he wants kids and will regret it if he doesn't have them. So she should just cave in and pop out a baby because he kinda wants a kid maybe? How about discussing things, pros and cons of both ways. What if she really doesn't want to have a kid and he only THINKS he does? Wouldn't he regret forcing her to be unhappy by making noise about it, or leaving her when if he just thought things over he'd come to peace with it? If he deeply truly wants a child for all the right reasons, and she doesn't then yeah he should have the option of leaving. However, it really sounds more like he's buying into the hype that child=you being mature, which is NOT the case. I'd ask him if all those teenagers popping out kids are more mature for having those babies, if the uneducated people who can't feed themselves but have kids anyways, are they more mature? You can be an immature twit without kids, or with them. Having kids has nothing to do with maturity, it only proves that you have a working reproductive system. Maturity comes with how you handle life. No, I'm not saying that at all. What I see is him wrestling with something. She is perfectly happy without kids, but he appears to feel like he is "playing house" being married without them. I absolutely believe that they need to discuss this seriously as a couple. Lots of men (and women) wrestle with the want or need to procreate - some for the "right" reasons, some for the "wrong" reasons. But a great number of men do have a primal/biological need to seed the earth with their DNA. How deep his need is, I don't know. He seems to be attempting to illustrate his desire by using the Hebrew saying that he heard as he reaches to explain what he is feeling. Perhaps he hasn't yet defined for himself why he wants kids, but clearly children are on his mind. To have or not to have kids is a deal breaker in many marriages. We have no idea what was discussed between this couple before they tied the knot. But clearly it needs discussing now. If he finds that he is certain that he wants children, then like any one he will probably regret the loss if he doesn't have them. So what I am saying is that both people in this marriage matter. For him it's the new urge to have a family and what ever that happiness entails, for her it appears to be an unexpected issue to take seriously and will require her to make some choices that would make her happy in the long run. Whatever they are!
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 793
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 793 |
People say many different things...doesn't mean all of them are true. Correct. The whole path to parenthood is awash with platitudes, generalisations and outright lies, but it's a brave parent who'd admit that. Someone made the point on another thread that maturity is a byproduct of life. It doesn't just strike you like a bolt of lightning the second that you prove your reproductive organs work. That said, Shay has a point. It's always worth challenging on this line of reasoning ... let's explode some of those myths, take off the rose coloured glasses and ask these people to really think about what they're saying.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613 |
No, I'm not saying that at all. What I see is him wrestling with something. She is perfectly happy without kids, but he appears to feel like he is "playing house" being married without them. I absolutely believe that they need to discuss this seriously as a couple. Lots of men (and women) wrestle with the want or need to procreate - some for the "right" reasons, some for the "wrong" reasons. But a great number of men do have a primal/biological need to seed the earth with their DNA. How deep his need is, I don't know. He seems to be attempting to illustrate his desire by using the Hebrew saying that he heard as he reaches to explain what he is feeling. Perhaps he hasn't yet defined for himself why he wants kids, but clearly children are on his mind. To have or not to have kids is a deal breaker in many marriages. We have no idea what was discussed between this couple before they tied the knot. But clearly it needs discussing now. If he finds that he is certain that he wants children, then like any one he will probably regret the loss if he doesn't have them.
So what I am saying is that both people in this marriage matter. For him it's the new urge to have a family and what ever that happiness entails, for her it appears to be an unexpected issue to take seriously and will require her to make some choices that would make her happy in the long run. Whatever they are!
I'm glad you didn't mean that, because I HAVE encountered people who thought that if one person in a couple had the slightest thought of having children, then the other should immediately cave in, no matter how unwise it would be monetarily, health-wise, or mental health-wise. That to me seems like rank insanity.
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 988
Parakeet
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Parakeet
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 988 |
I love the term "rank insanity!" And it is! Having babies is right up there with falling in love. It is complete madness because it is a primal/chemical function. And people get to use it against each other if they choose to.
My theory on people having too many children is the creation of the nuclear family. When all of this humanity multiplication stuff began, it happened in tribes. Everyone was involved in one way or another in the rearing of the children. If everyone is involved, then everyone knows what it takes, and everyone gets to experience it on some level. That way it is real. It's not an idea or a fantasy or some kind of "creating someone who will love me" game. And no one gets to be stuck in an abusive home or imprisoned by parents who have no clue what they are doing. Or the always wondering "what is normal? what do normal families do, have, think, want?" and they are all trying to be normal, or trying to hide the fact that they are not. And they can, because it's all done behind closed doors. And then we need things like the DSS and schools, and none of it works. In the tribe, it's just all out there and everyone gets their say. But the nuclear family is most likely not going anywhere - I'm pretty sure we're stuck with it.
Shay
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,142
Koala
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Koala
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,142 |
oh no that is not what I ment I ment that you are a real adult when you are able to take responiblity for your actions and realize that you are a role model for the next generation. not that you should have kids to be an adult.
Its kind of funny though, I have always been told that when I get married I would want to cook and clean and keep house and blah blah blah so when I got married I thought I would magicaly morph into betty crocker Suezy homemaker and martha stewart...that was 2 years ago and I am still waiting!!!
I think the same is true with having kids just because you have them dont mean you morph into supper mom or dad! kids dont make you a better person over night or even years later!
anyways, just thought I would clear that up! it was late when I posted last night.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613 |
HAH! Someone actually told you that once you get married you'll WANT to clean? That is just utterly bizarre!
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,142
Koala
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Koala
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,142 |
lmao yep! I would also magicaly want to have my husbands babyies and be a stay at home mommy that lived to cook and clean and go to pta meetings and all that wonderful junk! oh yes I knew that it would not happen but part of me thought that I would be a better person. I lived with my husband before we were married and everyone told me that we were living in sin and that I (notice its not WE?!) would be a better christian and all that mother and wife junk would magicaly happen with this legal paper that said we said I do! well two years later.... I am still me and so is he! I am glad I was not counting on him to change or me to change because we are still just plan old us!!!
I think that is the biggest problem with todays marrage people think that because they get married that paper will morphe there loved one into the perfect person flawless in every way and when they dont change they arent happy because they have to work at there marrage and it is far easier to divorice then to work it out.
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613 |
I DO think that is one of the major problems with marriage, that a piece of paper says "O.K., you're legitimate so all your baggage will magically disappear!" But what really happens is that living that closely with someone magnifies all your issues, and you either deal with them, or destroy the partnership. What do a lot of people do instead of soul-search? Have a kid! Because, you know, having a kid will totally NOT make the situation worse. :P
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 267
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 267 |
My DH doesn't fall into any of these groups and he couldn't care less what people think of him - he has no interest in other people's private/personal business and is puzzled if they are interested in his/ours...
That is awesome! I feel the same way; I don't care what people think of me and my decision to remain CF. And these dumb as* comments on how mature you become after having a child...horsesh*t! I see tons of kids having kids.
I wouldn't marry a righteous kinda guy..who thought that having children mature you, or think living isn't living until you have a child and that all women should have a child...how ignorant?????
CFBC
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