BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

That sort of thing makes me really quite angry. I do my best to reduce my impact on the environment - I recycle, don't drive, use my own legs/public transport wherever possible - only to be confronted at every turn with conspicuous consumption and waste, often from the very people who have a vested interest in the future in the form of their children. And people think that we are bad for not adding to the problem by adding more humans to the mix? Crazy.

>I would probably say that one of the biggest conscious reasons I don't want kids is school. I had horrible experiences from fifth grade to high school graduation. I was an outcast, made that way by a jealous classmate who spread vicious rumors about me. There is NO WAY I would EVER want to put my child through that. Ever. I couldn't handle it, plain and simple.

Well, that's part of why homeschooling has grown so much! There are a lot of things wrong with the public education system -- perhaps that's why there is a "school reform" forum, too.

>I don't understand the "something is missing, let's have a kid" mentality. I wonder why they feel that. Are those people just sitting on the couch watching TV all day? Do they not know how to develop hobbies, so by having a kid you'll be forced to take an interest in something?

And hence, this whole dialog, right? I've always had many hobbies -- never been bored (unless sick, that is.) I don't think you can equate "something is missing" with "I'm bored." I didn't have a child to have something to do, I had him to fill an emotional niche that needed filling. Had I not been able to conceive, I would have always felt sad about having that denied me, but I would have moved on. (And about a month before I conceived, I did start asking myself, without the tears of before, "So, what am I going to do with my life if it never happens?" Never got as far as answering, but I started asking. And, ironically, I'm kind of back in that "what do I want to be when/if I grow up" mode, as my ds is planning on going to college f/t in the autumn.)

I can't speak for others, but the fact that you don't feel anything missing means to me that you are fine the way you are. Wasting energy on negativity of people who have made, for whatever reason, the opposite choice of you, serves no purpose, and pulls all down. It is akin to the "working mom/sahm" arguments. Neither is right for ALL people -- and people need to find out what is right for THEM.

>Okay, not to sound mean or anything, but I guess that to me, in this point in human history, there is no good reason to have a kid.

Um -- if EVERYONE did that, there would be no more human history! Not saying that is a reason TO have a child, of course. But I think everyone needs to examine their own hearts and do what that tells them.

Re:recycling/environmental concerns -- it IS possible to be environmentally conscious and a parent. I am, and I know others who are. I bundle my driving into trips, I use canvas bags to bring groceries in, I turn off lights, keep the house cool in winter, warmer in summer, recycle more than most, etc. I find it ironic that so many people who don't do anything to help the environment say they can't afford to -- when so many of the things that they can do will save them money! (Driving less uses less gas, and that is savings. My grocery store gives me $.06 for each canvas bag I use. Turning the heat down saves money. Etc.)

Not to hijack this thread, but I'm always surprised by how little a lot of my parent friends care about the environment. I, too, recycle, buy organic, drive a very fuel efficient car, am careful about how much water I use, use cloth bags when buying groceries instead of paper or plastic, use energy efficient light bulbs, etc. And the irony of this is that I won't have the futures of my own children and grandchildren to worry about because I won't have them. I do, however, worry about the future for everyone else on this planet. I always thought that with as hyper-protective as we are about children these days, that the current environmental worries would take a front seat since they affect the future of today's children, but they haven't. None of my parent friends does any of the above things I listed (and there are more things I do that they don't do either). The handful of childfree people I know do most of these things like I do.
I guess I've been really surprised at how little people care about how their children will live if the planet is indeed facing the affects of global warming. I should probably put this on a new thread....

Bingo. To me, this is the only good reason for having a kid - that you want to raise it right, and you think you have what it takes to do that. And let's face it, the world is full of wonderful things that we can teach our kids - and doing so is rewarding for us as well as them.

Would you agree that the best reasons are all about the child, and the worst are all about the parents?

Well, I don't find the notion of homeschooling children very appealing. Also, I know several homeschooled children, and to be honest, they never received much of an education.



The people I know personally who had kids because "something was missing" generally tend to be the ones who have no interests in anything but sitting on the couch and drinking.




God, I hate this logic. "Um -- EVERYONE" will never stop having kids! Trust me, the human race has nothing to worry about.



You really are in the minority there. I am hearing that there is a "green" movement among parents these days, but it is relatively new. I live next to a school where people live two blocks away and drive their kids to and from school, sometimes arriving 45 minutes early and leave their SUVs running to heat them in the winter and cool them in the spring. And I'm not talking one or two, I'm talking probably fifty SUVs that do this on a daily basis. And I am NOT exaggerating about them living two blocks away. In fact, not a single student in that school lives more than a mile from the school, and I would wager that most of them live within a half mile. There is only one two-lane busy street to cross and a stoplight and a crossing guard to cross them.

So trust me, there are more wasteful parents than environment-conscious parents out there.

Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into any kind of argument. You have to understand that you are the minority here (I don't mean among us, I mean among parents.) More parents should be like YOU. But from all my experiences- and there are many, as I said, I live next to a grade school and I've taught gymnastics on and off for seven years in three very different communities, and I babysat almost every weekend for ten years - most parents are the opposite of you. Therefore, these comments are not directed at you or parents like you.

Ha, at first I was like, "how is that statement a bingo?" I reread and reread it - then it clicked. :-)

I agree with you, Pika.

That is so well expressed Frieda. Because of course, this describes me as well.

OK, prepare for rant.

I can understand how having your son has helped you grow as a person. I don't mean to be rude or disencouraging in my response, but this is an illustration of the constant thing we get from people: "kids made me a better and less selfish person". The thing is, I have had enormous growth mentally by the experiences I have been through in my life. This included surviving a divorce while my husband galavanted around town with another woman, moving to London by myself, setting up an entirely new life, building a new community around me, contributing enormously to people's lives on the other side of the world, making an impact on the arts world internationally, speaking at international conferences, co-writing two industry books, having to travel frequently on business to scary places on my own, "adopting" long-distance a child at a small orphanage in nepal, buying a house all by myself at 35 having lost all my money through my divorce aged 31 and having worked like mad in London to save again, helping my niece through a major crisis, becoming a godmother to my friend's 15-year-old son who decided he wanted a godmother and he wanted it to be me during the time that his father had walked out on them, marrying my second husband and taking on the mantle of stepmother etc etc etc. All of this has stretched me and made me a way better, more compassionate, more mature and less selfish person. Of course, if I had had kids (by circumstance I haven't) I would have had DIFFERENT experiences that would have stretched me and made me a better, more compassionate, more mature and less selfish person. Because every challenging, demanding, uncomfortable experience in life gives us the opportunity to grow in this way. I might add, although this is not my primary point, that if I had had kids, all those above people who have benefitted from my life crossing theirs, would not have received those benefits - only my kids would have.

I do find this "parenthood is the way to grow and be better and less selfish" mentality to be narrow and flawed. Ms A, this is not directed at you, you just happened to touch on something that brought up this bigger issue.

I agree feebee! I'm not going to discredit that becoming a parent makes one grow as a person...but generally LIFE makes you grow!

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for all the positive responses to my post. It really is an interesting discussion and it all boils down to learning to understand a perspective different from your own.

Btw, we DO save for retirement. It's just not where we focus our stress... because raising four children is expensive and we've got to do that first. We're also both born under the sign of Sagittarius so we kind of "do now, think later". :0

I also know people who use their children as a status symbol. Many of my childhood friends are back in the town we grew up in - the north shore of Chicago. I was told that having children is a competition there - to show how much money you have. The more money you have, the more children you have. Is that sick?

I don't think anyone chooses to have a child for the reason of learning to be a better person or become a less selfish person... do they? That may be one of the results they experience. But, you can also experience that result via (many) other avenues as well. I do not think I became a better or less selfish person from being a parent. I judge myself so much more harshly now and my decisions and reactions are impacting not only myself, but my children (and husband) too.

I live in Arizona - and, while families may not be doing everything - I see so many people working to be more environmentally conscious. It could be more of that status symbol stuff... but whatever it takes, I suppose. Personally? We're working on that too... along with removing corn syrup from our pantry... and exercising daily... and making sure we don't buy products made by children in another country, etc. Practice makes progress.