BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

Which one? We have two here, you know!

I'm kidding. I know which one you're talking about. I think she's still limiting her time here and is taking her time getting back to being a daily part of our conversations. I miss her, though.

Is that your name too? Sorry! I really like your screen name!

You know, I didn't really get that vibe from her. It is, after all, a question that we asked ourselves not all that long ago in this forum, didn't we? It's a good question to ask, because everyone can make it clear that either parenting had an influence on a person being CF, or it has little or nothing to do with it.
From what I've seen, it has very little to do with being CF, if anything at all. I've seen plenty of people who had been abused as kids having children of their own (sometimes quite unwisely, like if they haven't worked through their baggage at ALL and really needed to), people with indifferent parents who still have kids of their own, and so on through the spectrum. I have seen people who have been abused NOT have kids, and list that as one of the reasons, but they tend to fit the CF "profile", that of a person who thinks about the big issues before doing them, a concern for other people (I've heard lots of CF'ers that they wouldn't want to have kids because they'd suffer with how things are), and a person who doesn't succumb to peer pressure "just because".

Lynette is my middle name, and I sometimes use it instead of my first. I was just having fun with you, hon. I thought everyone knew that little tidbit.

(My screen name is the name of a character I wrote years ago. The story died an early death, but the name has lived on in the virtual world for the better part of a decade.)

Re. the question about where CF people are that way because of childhood baggage, I realized part of the reason I take offense is because I'm not entirely childfree by choice. It's partially circumstances (health and fertility issues) combined with lack of strong desire that would drive me to perhaps adopt or go through fertility procedures. So, baggage or not, that's how I've ended up, and this question doesn't really apply to me for that reason.

I don't appreciate the assumption, but I guess it's a nature vs. nurture question, and I believe both contribute. Maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive about it. There's also some self doubt involved..if I was a healthy, stronger "specimen" perhaps I'd have been knocked up by now. I know...that's really stupid, but I guess I'm a Darwinist.

> I was the kid who was a bit too honest when seeing babies...I remember pointing out "Your baby's eyes are crossed!"

I have to admit, I chuckled when I read this -- it sounds SO like a kid! There are a lot of "filters" that we adults use when we talk, that kids just either haven't learned or don't understand a use for. (And sometimes, I think the kids are right!)


>I just wanted to point out that your thought above bothered me a little--it sounds like you are trying to generalize or find a link between having a bad childhood (or feeling unwanted) to being CF. I don't think that is a fair assumption.

Wasn't my intent -- more of a wondering if there WAS a commonality or not. Role models and the desire to do something radically different from our parents can influence us. I know that I was influenced, in a negative direction, by my parents -- father in particular -- assuming I should go in a particular direction.

Sorry for not being more clear. I love to understand other's points of view.

>There is nothing mutant about me

I never thought there was, about anyone here. And, as I said about my own parents, my father was not the warm one that my mom was. (I now suspect he is Aspergers, but back then, never heard of it, and don't know if I would have been able to see the pieces of that puzzle at the time.)

>My father was my hero growing up, but the day I moved out of home my mother and I became the best of friends.

Rather like siblings often are, years later.

>I don't appreciate the assumption, but I guess it's a nature vs. nurture question, and I believe both contribute.

Yes, I've always felt that the nature vs nurture question was rather silly, since most things are obviously both.

>There's also some self doubt involved..if I was a healthy, stronger "specimen" perhaps I'd have been knocked up by now. I know...that's really stupid, but I guess I'm a Darwinist.

Having gone through infertility problems, too (took 3 years, surgery and Pergonal to conceive my son, then secondary infertility on top of that, which in some ways is harder to deal with) I can definitely understand that feeling! I know darned well that in an earlier time, I would not have been a mother. But then, I think back and I might not have existed without relatively modern medicine. My mother might not have survived infancy. My dad's mother might not have survived childhood.

There are so many variables, and I just remember that human's biggest advantage is our brains. So, as a "specimen"-- you're just fine!

As a teen, I was not interested much in being with children and I was frightened by the idea of bearing children. There weren't any other children younger than myself in my family and so children seemed sort of foreign to me. When I got married, the idea of having children was not something I really thought about much; I was so happy with my life as it was.

But by the time I reached my late twenties, things began to change. My husband and I had good careers and we accumlated some wealth. We bought a home, we traveled and did exciting things. I felt satisfied with myself and felt I had learned many things. But pretty soon, it became a little bit empty. I wondered to what end I was doing all of this for? It began to be a little pointless. I realized that when we were gone, all we had worked for, all we had learned, would just turn to nothingness. There was no one for us to pass it on to. This fact was further reinforced by the death of my father. I realized that he lived on in me.

Some time later, the idea of having children began to seem like a possibility. My husband agreed, so within about two years, I had my first child. Then, a little over three years later, we had a second.

My children are both over 18 now and are venturing out on their own. As they have grown, I have grown with them. They have shared with me things I never would have experienced. I still am not a person who is fond of all children. I'm not eager to get my hands on other people's babies and play with them. I don't think all children are cute either. But I do respect children as the makers of tomorrow and I think it is in our best interest to treat them well and set a good example for them.

It is difficult to convey the love I have for my own children. It does not diminish the love I have for my husband; it seems to reinforce it. Not only did I enlarge my own world by having them, I feel I have contributed to the world by raising them with love. I don't think that raising children is all a bed of roses. Mine had colic and tantrums and went through those difficult adolescent years just like most other children. But for me, those things are part of the challenge.

I realize that my children will probably never love me as much as I love them. But that is not what it's all about. It's about the fulfillment of loving someone else to the best of your ability.

I must admit that having children is a risk -- it doesn't bring satisfaction to everyone and for some it is a downright disaster. But I'm glad I took the chance because I think there is a part of me I never would have known if I hadn't had children.

It's interesting that you and a few other's have brought up the "something is missing" feeling. I've never felt that, and I know quite a few of the other people haven't either. I wonder if it is related to that feeling that makes people yearn for religion, or at least the feeling of belonging that goes along with it? (which I've also never longed for)

Greydrakkon,
Very good point. I don't feel like anything is missing either. I know my husband does sometimes, but he doesn't want kids to fill the time, he just signs up for another class. He's working on his MBA.

Me? My life feels too busy and too full. I'd kill for some alone time to work on my novel. When I was working p/t, I got very used to writing at home, alone. I prefer it. It's not an option any more though. Hubby takes classes online, at home. Oh well.

What I don't understand is how people can be certain that the 'something' they feel their lives are missing is children. Why not a change of career, or some new friends or a hobby? It seems like a terribly risky thing to assume that having children will fill whatever void people feel - unless it ensures they are too busy to think about it?