BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

What an interesting question to post! And thanks to those who had children for sharing your stories with us in a very non-judgmental way.

Lisa--I wish more people would make such careful and thoughtful decisions about having children! It is clear that you truly wanted to raise some wonderful human beings, not just "have babies". It sounds like you brought some good into the world--I appreciate that!

I haven't met anyone in real life who had well thought out reasons for having children. Here's what I hear the most:

"It's my duty as a Catholic, etc."

"That's what you're supposed to do"

"I want someone who will take care of me when I'm old"

"My husband/wife really wanted one"

"We were bored with each other and thought a baby would be fun"

And so on...it's usually the typical cultural dogma like the above.

Like Cookiecody said, where's the guarantee your kid will be a good citizen of society? There are just too many unknown circumstances that I'm not willing to risk.

I also know a mother who loves her child but personally told me she would not do it again if she could go back. She had her child because her MIL wanted a grandchild.

I give tons of credit to good parents - I know it's a very stressful job. But for people who have kids to judge me and say I'm making a bad decision for not wanting kids - Shame on them! I feel complete without having kids. I don't need little "trophies".

I'm glad to see some interesting and honest responses here from parents. I asked a good friend of mine (the one who told me it was "okay to be selfish") why she wanted to have a child. She's has a toddler and it has been pretty hard on her. Her answer was that she and her husband felt that something was missing. They were happy together but both of them had a feeling of, "Is this all there is?" so having a child seemed the next logical step towards fulfillment.

This made sense to me, though personally I've never felt that my life was empty or missing something, so it didn't do much to sway me.

Hi Lisa,



Ok. This is very good and interesting. See, I never really enjoyed children, even as a child. I remember being very young and thinking they were so childish. That I was not like that at all. I never babysat, and would never have wanted to work at a summer camp.



And if I had kids, I would too. But I hope you're saving for retirement because, the way the economy is going, the kids won't be able to afford to help you.



I appreciate that you did go on and on because I'm interested! Tell us more if you like. Thank you for your insight and not taking my question as an attack on your parental status. I'm very glad you love the life you've made with your children and you sound like a fantastic and thoughtful mother.

Take care,
Kim

Hi Susan,



It's true. We do have the CHOICE now, don't we?



I was raised Catholic. My religion tells me I should have children too. But I guess I've always been the kind of person who knows what she wants and would never have them for this reason.


I'm glad you are both happy with the arrangement. My little niece and my 2 nephews bring me a lot of joy.


Theres nothing better than books. This is a wonderful gift you've left to your children and to other children as well. Congratulations.



Thank you. You have a very good attitude and I wish more people thought like you do.

Take care,
Kim

As Kim said, it's very important to save for retirement. I just heard a financial analyst say the other day, to save now, because you can always borrow for college expenses, but you can't borrow for retirement.

Cindy

What a fascinating topic -- and interesting to see other sides.

FWIW, I have one child, who I tried for years to conceive. I tried to have another, but was unsuccessful.

First child -- I wanted, well, I had ALWAYS wanted to be a mother, love children, etc.

Second attempt -- this time I knew what I was trying for. I knew what it was like to have this one child, though, of course, no two are alike, any more than any two adults are! Part of what I've enjoyed in parenting (ds is 16 now) has been seeing him grow and develop, seeing the person he is becoming, trying to gently guide him down positive paths, seeing the world through his eyes (especially wonderful with young'uns). I was sad to not be able to experience this with another child -- and adoption was not an option for dh.

However, I fully believe that every child should be wanted and cherished -- and that no one who doesn't want one should have one. This has nothing to do with religious beliefs, unlike some other parental posters -- I'm a second generation agnostic, so religion just isn't in the picture.

And fwiw, I think I have a pretty neat kid. We like to joke, tease (gently) each other, watch the Daily Show together, discuss politics... it's so cool to see the adult emerging every so often!

A thought -- what was your upbringing like? My mom was a wonderful mother, changed how she treated us as we grew, because it was appropriate, was sad when school started (unlike so many other mothers) and so forth. She would probably like to have had more children. My father -- whose upbringing was even more odd and less happy -- was less flexible, more hardnosed, and has often said that if he'd been smart, they would have had only one or two kids. (I'm number three, so that isn't a terribly tactful thing to say to me! But I know he doesn't regret me -- heck, I'm the only one he got a grandchild from! And he LOVES that!)

I was wondering, for those who never have wanted kids, did your mother act like you were a burden or a joy?

I really liked Lisa's answer. When I think about myself and the certainty that I don't want children, it's always with the knowledge that somewhere out there is my mirror image - the person who always knew that they did want kids, and whose life would not be complete without them. These are the people who make stellar parents.

As Lisa rightly pointed out, she doesn't understand the opposite view, but acknowledges that it's there and it's valid, and that's awesome.

As for people who just say "well, that's what you do" ... I could beat them. I was stunned by the example that thedopespot gave about his class - how they all clamoured for kids, and then when they sat and thought about it for an hour, all of a sudden it didn't make sense to some of them... stuff like that frustrates me, that people can be so mindless. Okay if it's about the car you drive and the clothes you wear, but this is another life we're talking about ... "frustration".

Great thread Kim ... hopefully we get some more good parent POV's.

Just my humble opinion here, but that seems like one of the best reasons to me. If I felt that way, the decision wouldn't be such a struggle for me. As a child I loved my friends of course, but as far as a general feeling of loving all children, no way!! I felt like a lot of children were really annoying, cruel, etc. So, although I always assumed I'd have kids, I hoped and prayed it would be one of the kinds I like, and not the bad ones. After much observation, I came to the conclusion that it's not completely in the parents' control...sometimes a good parent has a bad kid. That really scared me because I realized there are no guarantees.



That is awesome!! : )

What was my mother like?

She was unbelievably selfless, putting her children before herself, gave up her career - she still thinks I am the biggest blessing in the world!

Despite this unconditional love from my mother, I DO NOT want to have a child!