BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Perceived Happiness

Well, one of my friends who had her first child awhile back had told me that her husband didn't have a steady income. He was an insurance salesman just trying to get established. He didn't have many clients yet. I immediately thought to myself that it didn't seem like a good time for a baby since she would also be on leave. Plus, she was planning to take unpaid leave as well. I was really worried for her. I guess everything worked out as they seemed to have made it fine. I suspect they were getting help from parents though.

Then, someone else I know was telling me that she is the bread winner and her husband hardly makes any money. He has his own business but the income is not steady and they mainly use it for extras since they can't really rely on it. She is pregnant too. She has also told me how they need a bigger home but can't afford one nor can they afford to pay their current children's school tuition. WOW...is all I can say. Talk about being oblivious to the situation!? Oh, and not to mention that now she will have daycare expenses too, which will be almost as much as the school tuition!

I'm not sure what happens to people...WHY they stop thinking rationally when it comes to having children.

As someone with a child, I think it is interesting that someone with no children feels they have to live check to check.

My dh and I both worked initially, bk (before kid), and when we bought our first house, we bought it with the ability to pay the mortgage and all other expenses on just his check, then used my entire check to pay down on the principle of the mortgage. We didn't eat out often, didn't take fancy vacations (most of them were to visit out-of-state family), never were into expensive clothing, etc. So, we saved, paid off our house early on, and later had our child. (A bit later than we intended, but that's life sometimes.)

I have been a sahm with ds, occasionally working odd pt jobs, (mostly when dh was out of work) -- have homeschooled my ds for a number of years. We have IRAs, have savings in the bank (a good thing for the time dh was out of work -- that was a long time, and had we not been more frugal than our contemporaries when we were younger, avoiding debt and the like, we would not have likely made it through those years of little to no income.)

We are currently a one-income family, with a son planning on going to college f/t next year (going p/t this year, along with a charter school p/t, and homeschool p/t) -- so I probably will figure out some re-entry into the work force next year. In the meantime, I'm needed to do driver duty for ds (he doesn't drive yet).

I think that having children AND making financially responsible decisions is both possible and important. We've never been on welfare (and how many of you could say that if your main income was gone for over 2.5 yrs?) -- never asked for help.

I respect choice, but you know, some of us with children DO think rationally. Some of us even plan for emergencies.

There are so many possible paths to walk in life, and what is right for me isn't right for you. It might be helpful to distinguish between people who have children that they can't afford to (financially or emotionally) raise and those who have children that they are able and prepared to raise.

We definitely do that Ms. A! These criticisms are meant to apply to people who are making bad decisions financially and having children they cannot afford.

I agree with everyone else that personally I could not handle the stress very well of setting up a life I could not afford. I've seen so many people in precarious financial situations, or who make way less than me, continue to have more kids. If they can handle the stress, fine, but I'd be a basket case. I feel much more comfortable living within my means.

Maybe you think I'm a wimp, but I've looked at the budget both ways and it would be a real challenge and financial strain for my husband and I to have kids. I think it's wise to take that into consideration with planning my family. It would require my husband changing careers when he already works very hard doing what he loves.

You are right Frieda - I believe the financial strain would cause our marriage to have a lot of problems!

o_O Feels they have to? I...I'm not sure what you mean by that. I am one of those people who basically lives check to check. My parents didn't have any money for my college, and although I was given a free ride the first year, I wound up paying through the nose after that. Right now I'm about $20,000 in debt. My current job is pretty good for my mental health and inclinations (I'm a picture framer) but I'm definitely not raking in the dough by any means. My guy has a herniated disk, which means a LOT of jobs are simply not an option for him, and he was out of work for a while because of it. He also has some school debt (thankfully not nearly as much as mine). I do NOT borrow money from my parents if I can help it, so I'm forced to deal. Unfortunately, I'm a dyscalculate, which means numbers aren't quite real to me, which means money is not easy for me to handle. However, we don't eat out excessively, don't buy the latest thing, don't even clothes shop more than once a year or so. It's slowly getting better since he's picked up a job, but even so it's going to be a long time before we can even think of fixing his back, or getting our dental stuff taken care of. We aren't living unreasonably, but still, check to check we live for now. I'm just glad we don't have credit card debt to top it off!

Well, I believe I said we live nearly check to check. We are not in debt, in fact, we just got out of debt about a year ago. I went part time for 5 years so I could finish my degree. During that time I made $8,000/yr instead of $30,000/yr. During that time, we racked up $10,000 of debt. I guess that wasn't too bad considering we'd taken a 100,000 pay cut over those 5 years. We also had to replace our cars (14 and 16 years old) and had to do it at the same time which I never planned on doing (and never will again) but it wasn't possible to replace one while I was working part time. One is paid off now and the other will be this summer. Whew!


Well, that's great. We can pay our mortgage and utilities with my husband's check, but all the other stuff (gas, groceries, etc) comes out of mine. We also have retirement funds, life insurance, etc to pay. There's not a whole lot leftover. I can't begin to imagine how much a kid would cost. Especially since we are putting ourselves through school right now.


I commend you for that, but you understand you're NOT THE NORM, right?

The key word is SOME. There's less and less of ths every year.


We actually DO. If you'll note the topic of this thread, it's supposed to be about people who have kids and can't afford them. No one ever said ALL people do this. Many smart people like you do not. I commend you for that.

I live in CA, BTW. WHich is a very expensive place to live.

This is horrible to say, but DH's grandma dying was a blessing. We had a loan from her for our car (instead of owing interest) and after she died her children decided to forgive all loans, so we no longer owe her $9500. (We'd already paid off a quarter of what we'd owed her.) I certainly wasn't expecting that, and to be honest, it makes me a little less sad about her death.

But we do kind of live paycheck to paycheck. If I didn't work for a month, we'd be relying on credit cards. And, EVERY time I get the cards down to $0, the car breaks down. I think I will have to always carry a balance so that the car doesn't break down anymore. I swear, in the last two years without FAIL, the car breaks down when we hit $0.

Just last week a dear friend of mine (she is my mom's age) told me her DIL is 5 mos. pregnant. I was SHOCKED. This couple has no business being in the situation they're in. They were given a good start.

My friend's husband got their son a good job that had great benefits. His wife was a hard worker who did well for herself (neither had gone to college) and when she turned up pregnant the first time everyone was happy. My friend went out on a limb with her extended family and had them give her son a free house - the title was put in his name. They were even doing well enough for the child to go to a good private pre-k program. In the last two years both the son and the DIL quit their jobs. The son decided he was going to go to college, but instead of taking night classes he quit his job and took out loans. Then he dropped out of school. Neither of them could find steady employment, yet they managed to go on a cruise, take holidays and weekends out of town and have a steady stream of new cars. Come to find out they had mortgaged their free house. They went bankrupt and have had to take jobs that aren't as good as the ones they quit. They've pulled their child out of the top school he was in and put him in a public school where he is a full year ahead of the other students his age.

My friend, meanwhile, has taken out loans to buy their house back from the bank and is practically RAISING their child. She keeps missing more and more work because she catches colds from the kid and is constantly having to leave in the middle of the day to go pick him up from school or meet the bus or take him to activities. He spends more nights with her than he does with his parents.

So when she told me DIL was pregnant I automatically said "WHY!!"
Apparently DIL was "tired of taking the pill."

I guess there are plenty of responsible parents my age out there- but it seriously depresses me that I know so few. Nearly all the young parents I know live as recklessly as this couple does, relying on parents to give them housing and free cars, spending freely on things they don't need and entrenching themselves in lifestyles that aren't good for the children they keep having. They're wreaking havock on the environment and the economy with their careless choices. How can these people not see what a burden they are on the people around them and on the planet? It makes me sad.

I get so tired of hearing this. The crazy thing is...this sh*t happens all the time. I see so many people that just keep having kids. You'll hear that this couple is dealing with an affair and poof...a few months later you will hear she is pregnant (that is how they are trying to fix "problem). You'll hear the husband lost his job and wife is SAHM..then you'll hear poof...she's pregnant (we already have three..what's four)? I don't understand what the hell people are doing.

It kills me though...YOu see they have all this [censored]....keeping up with the latest and greatest and you know they shouldn't be getting all this [censored]. I hear that most people are in credit card debt of about $20,000. I am not talking about student loans....just plain ole' can't afford this...so I will put it on the credit card!!!

Vespertine, it sounds like your friend is being royally reamed! Why on earth is she doing all that for them? They obviously don't care that she's doing all that, else they wouldn't take such risks!