BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters A mom in need of some good advice.

Yes, Lisa, I suppose that's possible but that's her decision and she keeps reiterating that all his is is a friend and that's it. She says she has no physical attraction to him at all. Plain and simple to the point is that her father and I don't want him in the picture and my parents and her fathers parents don't either. It's more than just him, it's his family also and his brother who has been labeled as psychotic and has a long very bad criminal history as well as his family.
I don't want to be related to that nor do I want her involved with them in any way, shape, or form and he is very aware of this.
She has a bright future ahead and I don't appreciate his saying to her that if he could stop her, he would, but yet he is going to continue to pursue his dreams. That is not fair and to me, that is not loving someone. That's squashing everything in her dreams just to make him happy.

I have always thought that I wanted my children's friends to be welcome in my home. That isn't necessarily an altruistic sentiment. When they're in my home I see them and what's going on. So if I have to sometimes bite my tongue to make them feel welcome, so be it, at least my kid is at home and I know who they're spending time with.

I do agree that reading her email was probably invading her privacy and giving her a reason to not trust you.

Relationships are funny, sometimes your kid may truly not want a "relationship" with someone, but the more you talk bad about the person the more your kid feels she has to dig in and defend them.
I've found it's better to keep negatives to yourself and encourage the positives in your child. Eventually they see the other person as someone they don't want in their life, if that's the case, on their own and your relationship with your child is none the worse for wear.

I can see your point but I also feel that feelings should not be hid in the case of anyone. I don't think it's a good thing to keep what you really think to yourself just to benefit someone else.
That way, she understands what I think and she can think what she wants but she and I are alot alike and she expresses her opinions quite vividly to me when she doesn't like someone and she doesn't care who hears it either.
Reading her e-mail was probably wrong but to me, my gut instinct was telling me something was off and I was 100% right.
She also is quite aware that when you marry someone, you just don't marry that person, you marry everyone that they are related to as well. So I've told her in no uncertain terms that should a guy propose, it would be wise for her to introduce that person to the family first before she even says "Yes".
That way, no hardships can come about in the wrong way.
I don't believe in hiding feelings from people. I think it's wrong because the only one that suffers from not letting it out is yourself.
I think that that is what is wrong with most people. They always keep their thoughts to themselves. Why not just say it and get it out there. At least change can then take place even in the guise of conflict.
Change can't happen if we all keep things to ourselves. My daughter is vocal and I appreciate her candor. The one thing I am thankful for is that she really takes what I say to heart because she knows why I worry and why I get concerned.

When my children had friends that I didn't approve of they knew that, I didn't hesitate to guide them. But their friends were welcome at my house, none the less. I certainly didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't have honest discussions with your daughter. But I still think that encouraging all the great things she does is much better in the long run than giving a lot of attention to the negative characteristics of her friend. And, if he is able to come to your house, you have your daughter close to you and can keep an eye on what goes on.

Who knows, maybe the positive atmosphere in your house, as well as the wonderful plans and accomplishments of your daughter might show her friend that there is a world full of possibilities out there that he may never see in his own family.

I apologize if I offended you, it was never my intention.

No Helen, it's ok. I wasn't offended by your response. I'm glad to hear your side of things. Yes, I truly hope to see her really accomplish her goals in life. I only want her to be happy and to be successful in life. I just don't want to see her throw all of her ambition and dreams away on a boy.
She deserves so much more than that.