BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Gak! Irk!Yoicks!

This was the line my ex gave me a couple of times. "Well, my sister had hers at 40". And if your sister jumped off a freeway overpass, I should do the same?

"head meets door"

I'm sorry, but ewww... That's a great age to be a Grandmother, but not a mother! Are these people not considering the fact that their child/ren will lose a parent at a young an age? I feel so fortunate that my mom and I are only 20 years apart. She's a huge part of my life and I want her around as long as possible.

And what about retirement? College?

Of course, CF people think of all these things. That's why we don't have kids.

Hi Pikasam...I was wondering...
I know your relationship ended because your partner wanted children. Did you find this issue became an ever increasing tension in your relationship over a number of years or did it "suddenly" become an all consuming issue?
I have a colleague in a similar situation...nothing has been said - her partner doesn't say much at all on the topic however, his closest friend told her recently...that her partner often says that he's "sure she'll change her mind any day now"...
This revelation just got back to her recently - he still hasn't said anything to her - nothing direct anyway - she's just turned 36 so, wonders whether he's suddenly going to spring an ultimatum on her in the near future.
She's clearly worried because she fears it means they're "not on the same page" after all - instead of being indifferent - he may in fact, be "counting down the days"...she now feels like she might be "denying" him something...
She said to me when last we spoke..."what's the strategy behind this silent waiting"...
I'd be interested in your thoughts...

I agree Cherry Red - at a certain age I think people need to move on...this technology that now enables women to have kids into their 60s is all about the "I need" & "I want" attitude that seems to prevail these days.
Has anyone stopped to think about the child?
I was 36 when my father died (he was 68)...to be ASSURED of losing one or both of your parents when you're a child or very young adult is a shocking thing - it's a traumatic experience at any age but at 8 or 15 or 22...terrible. If my father had been 60 when I was born - I would have faced his death at 8 years of age...
I cringe when I hear Rod Stewart proudly stating he, "only has to make one more baby" and he's early 60s - it seems perfectly fine - no one appears to have challenged or criticized him for his attitude/intentions. I know he has money - does that make it okay? This child is still being fathered by a man in his 60s...
Can a bank account praise your performance in the school play? Attend your graduation? Give you advice? Look out for you?

Well said, Deborah. I couldn't agree more! Sure, Rod's children won't want for anything-- Wait! I take that back. They won't want for material goods, but they'll want for a father's love, care and guidence. As a child of divorce, I can say that not having a dad really hurts a kid.

Ohh, best female friend, I can understand that, if that's what it means. Of course, I've never seen "BMF" so not too sure about that...

= bad. Very bad.

My relationship was fine until we made the decision to move in together (after nearly 4 years of single togetherness). I guess at that time, it forced him to consider that this was going to be a permanent thing, and what that meant for his life down the track. Every time the subject had come up in the past, he'd pretty much ignored it or paid lip service, until it got to the point where he wasn't able to do that any more...

I guess the kicker is that all relationships are different and unique to the people in it, so I can't say how this would pan out. My thoughts would be that the first step would be for them to be completely honest with themselves first, as to what they want. Why does he want a kid? Why does she not? What would it take to make that answer different (if anything)?

The big Q - are you prepared to walk away from the relationship in the hopes of finding a new one? Is the abstract idea of having a kid worth that to you?

The interesting thing for me was - he was prepared to walk, and I was equally prepared to let him go. I had, and still have, the things that make me happy. It was a no contest between keeping the guy, and keeping the things that define my life. I wasn't interested in sacrificing myself, and I equally wasn't interested in forcing him to give in to me, having to deal with his resentment every day of my life, and still waking up every morning wondering if this was the day he would change his mind again, and leave anyway.

I know that there are very few people who have my conviction, so I can't say that would work for everyone. I really wish your friend luck. My advice would be - now that she knows, put it out in the open, and deal with it from there with honesty and respect.

The other thing that occurred to me though, re-reading your post, was - what if he's wondering about her "changing her mind any day now" because he DOESN'T want kids, but thinks she does? And doesn't know how to bring it up for fear that he's denying her something? Argh, I wish people would talk about this!

Sorry for the rant... :-)

I feel sorry for both people in the relationship when this happens. I just don't understand the attitude that "She doesn't want kids now, but I *know* she will change her mind!" And yes, it does happen the other way as well.

I don't understand that mentality. Maybe that is why I am here, feeling more comfortable with like minded peoples here