BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I feel like I'm back on the farm

This is a really interesting discussion...

When I see mom posting on CF sites, I do kind of feel that it is condescending, even when they are saying something positive. I take it like "Oh, sister, I was once there, are you are right, you should wait, no one should force you into it...and then once it's right for you it will be totally worth it."

They miss the point...they take the wind out of my sails. Being CF is not about reproductive rights in the sense that women should control when and how many, and receive 50% support from their partners, workplace rights, etc. Those things are REALLY IMPORTANT and I support all of them 100%. But this is about making the choice to not reproduce at all, to define yourself without motherhood.

Some working moms struggle to get society to respect them as professionals and individual human beings after they have kids, and I totally support that. I think that many CFers support that to some extent, and I bet that's why the moms are attracted to this site. But what I want is for society to respect and value me as a woman without kids, period. To hear the classic story of the mom who once thought like me but now loves being a mom frustrates me...I hear plenty of those stories, and just about everyone I meet tells me with a wistful smile on their faces "Oh, you whippersnapper....you'll see. You just haven't met 'the one' yet." I don't come to this site to hear more of that!!

I do think that fence sitters belong here, because they are still making the decision...they may or may not remain CF, but the issues that they are considering are CF issues.

Yes. I think that's what's missing. It's nice that a parent tells you your choice is wise and waiting is good, but I'm not waiting, I'm not having them ever. And why should she come in here and tell me that? She's everywhere. People like us are the ones who need places to chat. She has Mom groups everywhere you look.

So, I want to be accepted for me and I want my husband and I to be considered a family just as we are. I married him because I wanted to be his family. We are happy and fullfilled with our life as it is.



Yes. Exactly. I'm nothing less without children.



I agree with that too. I hadn't mentioned whether or not I thought they should participate in CF forums in my post above, I was just tryiing to outline my thoughts.

You're may be right Manatee, because I cannot claim to know your friend and her thought process. I have never run across a truly CF person who changed their mind.

Maybe she was more influenced by you than you think. Strong, intelligent people that articulate their positions can sway and influence the people in their lives.

I would be curious to know what made her change her mind.

And I think Cherry Red is dead on. This grey population is so minute.

Thank you Anatasia. I, too, would be interested in hearing why Manatee's friend changed her mind.

I honestly don't think I influenced her much - I don't remember exactly when the subject first came up but she felt very strongly about it from the start. Looking back, perhaps she was more influenced by her adamantly CF boyfriend, though it always looked to me like a meeting of two like-minded people rather than one person adopting the other's stance.



As would I! Although we're close, for some reason I have been reluctant to ask her, and she has not volunteered an explanation. What I do know is that she left her long-term CF boyfriend and started going out with someone who made it clear from the start that he wanted children some day. She had some concern about this looking forward but I think felt that she would enjoy the present and deal with the child issue if/when it came up. I am almost certain that her pregnancy was not planned, but who knows... I'm still baffled by it all, to be honest. At least she hasn't changed into one of those condescending "I used to be CF until I discovered the true meaning of life" mothers!

She has since had a second child, this time a definite accident (her idiot doctor convinced her that the combination of breastfeeding and a lack of periods made it impossible for her to get pregnant - sadly, the stupid woman was wrong). She and her husband considered abortion but she found that she couldn't bring herself to do it. I wonder whether this is what led to her going through the first pregnancy. She is certainly determined to have no more.



Yes, I agree. The vast majority of parents were never really CF.

In my case I am CF by circumstance. My husband has always been CFBC. I wanted to become a foster parent and my husband made it through about half of the training before he let me know that he just couldn't do this. I work with special needs children and love being a teacher. These posts help me to grow towards seeing the potential of what I can do being CF. It was not my plan but sometimes life takes you down a new and different road. Now that I am in my later 40s I am more at peace with the way things are working out.

So what I am saying in a nutshell is that not all CF are by choice. Circumstance is also a factor.

Not to minimalize your circumstances SandraKay; but you are a person I would classify as childless rather than childfree. I believe childfree is a choice not a default position.

Manatee, some women do choose to have children for the sake of their spouse. They go into it starting to believe that it WILL be different if it's their child. Had I married my high school boyfriend, I might not have taken the time to grow myself and figure out what I wanted until it was too late. Even then, young and foolish that I was, I still knew I had to pursue my education before I could decide what kind of life I wanted and what sort of man would complement me.

Some different point...all good.. I deffiently think that fencesitters are not CF..thats why they are on the fence. And of course there is nothing wrong with coming here for support, cuz it's one of the few resources for the other side to be able to look at.

Also those that are CF for an extended period of time and then end up having a child because of pressure from a loved one..I don't think those are CF either, I think they were on the fence and then fell to one side. Personally if my better half told me that..it would probably end in divorce. That's how strongly I feel about my decision.

I love having all of the different oppinions and views in here, I think thats what makes this forum so great. I think that in my rant last night I was just tired of drifting through the forums getting caught up on posts, and seeing all the postings from parents who simple try and ingore the fact that this is a CF forum, only to post right on top of it.


Skeeter

Anatasia...I see your point. I feel that I am moving from being childless to childfree. I believe that ones experiences and circumstances can change the view. I see myself more as childfree at this point.

It must be very difficult for you SandraKay. I wish you peace in this transition.