BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Married Later B/C You Didn't Want Kids?

My DH and I were talking about one of our mutual friends. She does not want kids, and has been really vocal in telling us about it. But she is nervous about telling guys she dates b/c she doesn't "want to scare them away." She's a very bright woman, and she hangs out in bars all the time and with goofy people. We don't get it.

But now we are thinking that she might be killing time for now because she doesn't want to have to deal with the kids pressure from a guy she's dating, or from society at large.

Has anyone else done this? I guess I did indirectly. I had no interest in having kids, and I wanted to learn how to support myself financially before I met someone else. There weren't any datable guys around when I was in my 20s anyway, so I just focused on my studies/career.

I wonder how many women out there do this - the more my DH and I started talking about it, we thought of my other friend who is very talented, beautiful and successful, but didn't marry until 41. Part of it was that she didn't need to hook up b/c she was doing well, but she never wanted kids. She doesn't get a lot of pressure at all to have kids b/c people figure she's past that age.

I just thought this might spark an interesting debate on here...

We have a 48 year old friend who married in her mid 40s...she had been looking for a partner for sometime. I've noticed she has a ready "excuse" as to why she doesn't have any kids. I know "D" did not want to have kids but, people "understand" why she doesn't have kids, "because she married so late"..."what a shame"...
We've often laughed about this - I have no "excuse"...(not that I need one) I met my DH at 24 and have been married for 19 years...she often teases me, "you're just odd Deb - now if I'd been married at your age, I'd have 6 kids by now"...Yeah, sure...
AND, yes, I agree HTBC...I think some women defer marriage or something serious until they know they're "in the clear"...and the man won't have time to change his mind, won't have any expectations nor will family, friends and society.
The women that fall into this category (that I know) are all successful & financially secure...who ultimately wanted a companion in life. Our friend who married in her mid 40s, primarily wanted a travelling and dining companion - she intends to wind back work in her mid 50s and travel....she didn't need a provider, father for her future children or anything else.
BTW HTBC - How is your job hunting coming along? I read one of your posts and identified with it very much - one of the most difficult times of my life was "sitting on my hands" recovering from glandular fever - I hated feeling well and having to rest at home...I actually became so flat the specialist relented and said I could work part time. I think the secret is to create your own routine - do some yoga or short courses, whatever interests you...When you're back at work and have less time...you'll appreciate having done your salsa dancing course or your French polishing workshop...
Hope something fabulous has come up or, will come up very soon...

Hi Deb, that's so funny about your friend. I think people probably do this without even realizing it. I am so goofy and I analyze everything I do. It's so foreign to think of people not knowing why they are doing certain things.

I told my DH literally the first night we started talking that I didn't want kids. Based on my friend's recent comment, it would have sucked if he wanted kids. But then I guess he wouldn't have been the right guy for me. And we were older when we met, too, and my DH was clear that he didn't want to be chasing toddlers around in his 40s.

As far as my job situation goes - I am starting a contract job tomorrow. It's a start up company, which makes it kind of interesting. But hey, I will be using my brain, and bringing money in again. And we won't be tapping our nest egg. I'm so thrilled that our savings will be in tact! Anyway, thanks for asking. I stand by what I've said before, something happens to people when they aren't working in some capacity and using their brain. My Mom and MIL get more and more brutal over time. They are so tedious, and the stuff they worry about it so childish and pointless. It's painful. My Mom is at least more lovable, but it's still annoying. I understand why men leave or cheat on their SAHWs. They probably bore them to tears!!

Good luck with your new job Happy...
I agree it's important to keep the body and mind active...
It's sad to see people (usually women) living through/focusing on their kids - they don't really have a life of their own...
Also, you can see why some couples grow apart when the wife is out of the workforce for many years - it does seem to change the dynamics in a relationship when the wife is dependent and focused on the home and children.
I know that's not the case for all couples but, I've seen it quite a few times over the years.

Hey Deb, sometimes I think I must be so weird when no one responds to something I post. I guess I have a sense of humor about it, too, though. I'm glad you did, though - respond I mean. I know what you mean about the Moms. I just started my new job today, and it is a little scary. Especially since I'm working for a start up company. But that's part of what makes life worth living - being scared and working through it. The alternative would be scary, too - hanging out in my house with kids. I would be scared I would just lose it one day, or leave and never come back. If a job gets that bad, you just quit and get another one. When I think of it that way, it isn't so scary. Thanks for the support! Hugs!

Hi happytobechildfree! nothing is weird about this post--it's actually a great question! I guess I also got married a little later indirectly, but I was with my DH for a long time before that anyway and neither of us wanted kids. Seems like the most pressure has been coming for kids since I've been in my 30's so I can imagine women wanting to just wait until people stop bringing it up!

Congrats on your new job! It's stressful the first few weeks--I always lay awake at night trying to remember everything I'm supposed to do!--but it gets better. It sounds like you guys are in a great position financially that you can take a chance on a start up company, so enjoy it!

Well I'll give the opposite. I got married at 20 DH was 24. Pretty young and we were clear when we got married about not wanting kids. Right now I can still use the school excuse. However many of my friends who are also in school or just ending and are close to 30 and not married really want kids, not necessarily a husband. I can't think of anyone in my life who put off marriage b/c they didn't want kids. My DH probably would have done so if we didn't get together. However I could see the problem in waiting is that many mem may already have kids from a previous relationship.

I'm sorry, Happy! I didn't respond because I've been so dang busy and this wasn't on the first page yesterday. But it's a good question, and congratulations on your new job!

I got married young, but my husband and I have known each other since high school and have grown together. I'm incredibly fortunate to have met someone so compatible that whenever either of us changes, the other person is changing in that same direction. Of course, we have a lot of influence on each other.

If I hadn't met my husband, I really don't know what I'd be like. I sometimes worry that I would have really messed up, and might have kids right now, which would have been awful. But maybe that's just my self-esteem talking. Sometimes I think I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

Tressthefool--I think you are very strong! You always have insightful, intelligent posts that show what a confident, strong and secure person you are Sounds like you guided your life to right where you needed to be, with the person you wanted to be with, and that's pretty powerful!

My husband and I married at 23 and 22, respectively. We had known each other since we were 17 and 16.

I don't really think that people get married later just because they don't want children. I think that many people are getting married later in life for reasons such as the following:

1. More people are purusing higher education.
2. More people are choosing to live together first, then get married later, if at all.