BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Forced to have kids!!!!

If my parents said this to me and said ' or else' on the end of the threat.. I would reply ' Ok, well it's not going to answer so let's get to the 'or else' bit now shall we? are you going to not talk to me any more? ok... great.... bye.

You could talk to them and try them to get them to understand your point of view... but, do you honestly think that is likely to happen? if so, great...but sometimes people make idle threats to scare others into doing what they want - I dislike this type of person and call their bluff.

As hard as this is.. I would ignore them and this talk - if they say you are a disspointment - point out.. so are they - you're extremely disapointed in them as they have shown themselves to be very selfish and put their desires above your happiness... Then stick your foot down, if they bring it up again you're walking out the room... don't indluge them.

Anti Mother,

Wow...as you probably know, your boyfriend is responsible for his own happiness. Having a child is no guarantee of happiness, and it means that the child is born with a job, which is one thing I agree with Dr. Phil about, no child should be born with a job. It sounds as though you have your head on straight and are not willing to have a baby just to get all the things your boyfriend is promising (which doesn't really sound feasible, as having children impacts a lot of those things).

I had a coworker once who had a baby to make her husband happy (he had a daughter from another marriage, but he wanted to try for "his boy"). Well, she had his boy for him, and two years after that they divorced, and guess who is raising the boy? Yep, my coworker, the mom, and the dad barely spends any time with him.

If your boyfriend is set on having babies with someone, it may be necessary for you to cut him free to find that person, hard as that might be. You'll find plenty of support here, though.

Cindy

P.S. And being childfree is not "not normal", it's just a different way of being, even though the childed often treat us as abnormal. You are yourself as you are, and you don't have to make apologies for that. THEY are the ones trying to change you into something you're not.

Dear Antimother,

Your boyfriend may be "perfect" and all, but you should break the engagement and find someone else who doesn't want kids.

If you are getting a lot of pressure to just have one kid - will it turn into pressure for 2 kids, 3 kids.....???

I wish you good luck with this...stick to your guns.

Antimother, you've been clear on your position and you should stick to it. Life doesn't come with guarantees and your boyfriend may not be in the position to provide you with what he's promising.
There are so many things that could happen. Death, divorce, loss of job to name a few.

And really, do you want to be bribed into having a child you don't want? How sad for the child.

my reaction is along these lines as well. they want you to feel badly because they feel you are letting them down, shaming them, not living up to their expectations. i agree with linux lady that THEY are not living up to the expectations that i would have of my parents, especially if we're "close." i put close in quotes b/c what does that really mean if they're not wiling to accept and celebrate your choices. i'm not sure how i'd deal with this in real life b/c i know i'd be terribly hurt and angry, but one thought i have is to turn it around and let them know that you feel let down by them as parents b/c you thought that it is their job to accept you for who you are. i would want to ask them if they are so selfish that they would trade their happiness for yours??? i don't know if i COULD say this, but i'd want to b/c this is a key point for me. they are either not really hearing you, or they have decided that they'd rather see you miserable than have to give up on this fantasy of you having kids.

It amazes me that some people don't seem to understand the impact of, "I don't want kids" or, "I doubt I'll ever want kids"....
Why would you marry someone who felt this way when you WANT children?
Do people just assume the other person will change or eventually "give in"?
I understand some people change their minds BUT, that's different to marrying someone who doesn't want kids or doubts they want them...
It's basically someone totally disregarding your wishes, your feelings, your life plan...IMO that's unacceptable.
How can you say you love someone and then in the next breath draw up their revised life plan in accordance with YOUR wishes and dreams?
It amazes me that so many women "give in" on this issue - it's the woman's life that will change the most from this decision - pregnancy, delivery, caring for an infant, compromising work and life goals etc.
I think its still true to say that in most cases, the woman takes on the bulk of the day to day care of the child. (there are exceptions, of course...)
I feel strongly no woman should have a child for someone else...
My sister's friend had one child and was content - her DH loves children (so he says) and wanted six - that was out of the question so, they settled on three - his job takes him around the globe - his wife is basically a "single mother with lots of money". The day to day care of 3 young children means she has little life outside the home - she said to my sister recently, "my husband would hate my life but, he thinks its fair enough for me"..."it doesn't matter that there were things I wanted to do as well"...
I see trouble brewing in this relationship however, even if the marriage ends, her situation won't change that much - she'll still be caring for the three kids he wanted and probably, with less money.
It seems acceptable for men to say they love kids and then leave everything to their partner while they pursue their dreams and goals - doesn't sound like a great deal to me...
If you have children because YOU want them - then it doesn't matter what the future holds, it was your decision - you got the children you wanted...

Cookiecody, Robin Crime Editor, Anatasia

thank you very much for your support! I definitely agree with everything you've said. It is just that life is sometime too much to bear. It is really nice to have this beautiful forum, to know that there are real people out there who share the same childfree life. I've discoverd this forum few years ago, and though I haven't been coming here on regular basis, it has given me lots of strenght and support.

Wishing you all the best,

AntiMother

Anti Mother, also keep in mind that he's outright lying about you not having to work another day in your life if you give in. Unless he's got a massive amount of cash to pay for a full-time nanny, YOU will be busting your [censored] caring for a screaming pooping ever-hungry ball of greed. It baffles me how people don't think that's work, when I see sleep-deprived staggering parents (usually mothers) every day I go out.

Gosh, if you really, really don't want children then you will be making the biggest mistake of your life. Marriage's do end, dealth or whatever can happend..and you will be the main person taking care of this child. In regardless, you will still be the main person taking care of this child. YOu may need to rethink your relationship...pepole that really love you would not put pressure on you to do something that would only make them happy and not you! We are talking about having a baby...not a bad decision on a car.

Hear hear! What a wonderful, level-headed post. The world needs more parents who are like you too! Your point is so true - those of us who do not have children can give our energies out to the world (if we choose) in ways that parents don't have time for. Thanks for a great post.