BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Forced to have kids!!!!

i also feel a lot of empathy for your situation. i can't even imagine how you must have felt going through that. even though i haven't experienced quite the same intense reaction as you did from your parents i did feel a lot of underlying pressure from them to have a child. as an only child it felt at times almost unbearable. after much counseling i realized that in the end it is my parents who would have to deal with their wanting to be grandparents issues and not me. luckily for me when i did "come out" about a yr. ago it went much better than i expected.i know my mom in particular was disappointed but she never bothered me about it though since then.she can clearly see that my DH and i are happy with our lives the way it is and i think deep down she really respects that.

as for you i really hope that your parents hopefully in time will see it in a similar way.it is hard for parents esp. b/c they come from a different time when people just had kids b/c it was the thing to do.

that doesn't excuse your family's behavior though. they were way out of line. maybe some distance for now might be the way to go but that's just my opinion. couseling really helped me but again it's only a suggestion. stay strong and know that you aren't alone and that you can always find support here!

indigo

yorkiesRcool- I'm sorry you're going through such a tough situation! I also admire how you are sticking to your guns. Your parents probably couldn't even begin to understand how wrong and manipulative they are being. Maybe someday they will, so being patient and firm might help over time. Otherwise, this is really their problem, not yours. They're going to have to learn to cope with this situation.

Of course, you probably know by now why your parents are being so unreasonable, but let's just spell out some of the reasons.

1. It has already been pointed out that your parents don't have a right to grandchildren, you have a right to decide whether you want children or not.
2. Your parents are assigning their grandchildren a 'job,' to make them happy. This is wrong, and hurtful to the children.
3. You, of course, would be miserable with children, which would mean that any children born would be unwanted, and again, that would be cruel to the children.
4. Today, mature adults are the ones who decide what's best for them instead of going along with what everyone else is doing. Immature people are the ones who just have kids because their parents said so.

These are just a few of the reasons why your parent's demands are so unreasonable. There are a lot more.

I hope you'll just remember that no matter what your parents do, having children to appease them would be worse. Your relationship with your parents might become strained, but that's still a better option than destroying the lives of children who would grow up unwanted and in a stressful situation. And remember: you aren't creating this difficult situation, your parents are.

I hope you stick around, we'll give you as much support as we can for your mature and intelligent decisions!

By the way - OFF-TOPIC - and I apologise for this - it's a blatant piece of thread-hyjacking - YorkiesRcool, ilove1978 (with the Pekingese).... if you love your doggies as much as i love doggies - then feel free to PM me if you need to...
I am am dog behaviourist (Like dear Cesar Millan, only in the UK and much less expensive!)I think dogs are much better and easier to care for than kids - but even they present us with dilemmas now and then!
Any concerns?
Drop me a line, I'll do whatever I can to help!
(no emotional blackmail, either!!)

OK, I'm sorry, back to topic!

yorkiesRcool, I'm very sorry that your parents feel they have the right to still dictate your life.

My parents are East Indian and immigrated to Canada to give their 3 girls a better life with more choices. They haven't always agreed with our choices but have dealt with them the best they could.

Honestly, I think it's only been my choices that have been hard on them. When I was 23; I decided to move in with my now DH. They did everything from forbidding me, to threatening to cut me out of their lives. I stuck to my guns and my dad said something very profound. He said, "I have two choices. I can either lose my daughter or accept her decision. I will never choose to not have my daughter in my life. So, really I have no choice." All of this happened in one emotional afternoon.

They not only accepted my decision, they grew to love my hubby (it helped that we did finally get married - just not for another 7 years!) and I believe they have more respect for me than my two sisters who followed the life script.

Hang in there. They love you and WILL learn to accept your decisions for your life if they want to be a part of that life. It will be their choice if they choose this battle to alienate you from their lives.

They are just used to you listening to them. Now is the time to disabuse them of this fantasy, because now you are in charge of your own life!

Anatasia, thank you for the support. I am in charge of my own life, and you right about that. I really think my dad will learn to accept it sooner and easier than my mom. For me, it is breaking through more than anything. My father told me all my life to do only what i think is best and not to listen to anybody else. I should never do anything just because someone else wants me to. Well i brought that up in our conversation last week. He didn't like it very much, but he can't be mad at me; he taught me to be this way.
It really hurt me when he told me "I expected you and Jason (DH) would already have 2 kids." I told him that he doesn't know the real person that i am. If I never liked kids as a kid, never played with dolls, or played house...never talked about "the day I would have kids" what on earth made him think I would actually have kids. his only response was "Because that is what is expected of you." Well that hurt. I will be strong, but it is hard when they guilt trip me all the time. My dad is 68 and my mom 66 (not in good health), and they are giving me [censored] about denying them happiness....
Can you tell I am a bit bitter?

Hi Yorkies,

That's a tough situation to be in, especially because there's a bit of a cultural gap as well that is probably compounding the issue. I agree with Tress though, you don't have any responsibility to give them a grandchild - especially since you and your husband would be the ones most affected by it coming into your life and the grandparents would only see it at "fun" times. They also had no right to talk to you that way.

As one person said, how would they feel if you "couldn't" have children? Would there be this type of pressure on you to adopt a child? Thus, going forward you have a few options. One would be to sit down with your parents and tell them how this made you feel, being specific about the fact that talking to you like that isn't acceptable and will not change your mind. Another would be to call their bluff and not contact them then when they ask why explain that "We're not going to have children within a year, so I thought I'd save you the trouble and let you disown me now". Another (and I do have a slightly macabre sense of humour) would be for your husband/yourself to be sterilised and then explain to your parents that you're not able to have children.

Malamutes, I actually thought about telling the folks and In laws that "we tried and tried but found out we can't concieve" and leave it at that. But, DH parent's would encourage us to adopt, my folks on the otherhand are against adoption. So i would still open myself to further discussion of the adoption issue with his folks. But i cannot be 100% sure of how DH parents would feel about adoption.
If I did this it would be lying to my folks especially since I flat out told them NO KIDS. That is mean i know, but my husband says sometimes you have to twist the truth to get people off of your back.

You know what's really sad?

Since your parents are getting up there and not in great health, how long will they be around the grandkids? You're the one who will be stuck for life.

My parents are now 74 and 72. They love their grandchildren, but they also immensely enjoy the upscale dinners and conversation they can have when we visit. They never get to really talk to my sisters especially when the kids are around (which is always!).

Hi YorkiesRCool and welcome to the Forum,
My thoughts on your problem - we are NOT extensions of our parents or just puppets operated by our parents. We are individuals...
Our parents chose to have children, raise them to the best of their ability (hopefully) and then, must set them free to make their own way in the world.
You do not have the right to force your dreams/regrets on your children AND you can guide and help your children into adulthood but have no right to control their lives.
If your parents are disappointed and embarrassed by your decisions - so be it - they will have to find a way of dealing with that...
BUT, put it in perspective/look at it rationally - Are you a serial killer? Constantly in trouble with the police? Selling drugs to teenagers? No, you're living your life as an independent adult.

Some parents try to correct their regrets/(perceived)mistakes through their children.
Have you ever heard a parent say, "Jeremy is in Med school, I always wanted to go to Med School OR I regret not going to Med School"...that's fine, as long as Jeremy wanted to go to Med School.
One of my University friends transferred to Law from Medicine - Medicine wasn't for him...it took some courage - he was the 3rd generation (& 6th family member) to attend this medical school. His father was furious & devastated and seemed to watch and hope his son would trip and fall to prove him right - it didn't happen, he's now a successful barrister.
My DH had to stand up to his father a few times in his life - if he hadn't done so, he'd have ended up in the military or working as an accountant. Both areas would not have suited him...he followed his dreams and his father eventually accepted that fact. (he was a proud and stubborn man so, it was a long time coming)

One of my DH's colleagues (K) is Greek-Australian - her parents came to Australia in the 50s so, in many ways they still identify with 1950s Greek village life.
K has been estranged from her parents for years.
K loved school and wanted to go to University...Her parents lined up suitable husband's and she sent them away...
Increasingly, it became more and more difficult to mix with her parents, every meeting was emotion charged and upsetting...so, she decided not to see them.
The daughter has a post doctorate and is an expert in nanotechnology.
Sadly, she fell for an older man at work, frantic to have children before he turned 50 so, suffered another 3 years of pressure - she ended that relationship last year and is now looking for a CF man.
I know she has found it hard...but she is determined to be true to herself and make her own way in life. She told my husband that she would jump off a cliff before she'd follow her parent's life plan. The sad thing is her parents are missing out on the company of this vivacious, intelligent & successful woman - still its their choice, whether they know/accept it or not.

Children are a HUGE commitment - IMO you do it for yourself or not at all.
Having children for someone else is never a good idea.
Stay strong Yorkies...make you position clear and then live your life! Hopefully, your parents will eventually accept your decision.

Anastasia,
I'm sure my Mum feels the same way - she loves her two grandkids (3 in July) but thoroughly enjoys and looks forward to the time she spends with us - relaxing, holidaying, wining & dining...heaven!