BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Forced to have kids!!!!

I am new to this website and I have loved reading all the different posts. I have a slight problem that I have gotten over slightly but is still very much in my mind.
I am married and both my husband and I are 29. Been married for almost 4 years. I always wanted to be married, however, children never crossed my mind. It never crossed my mind when i was a child, nor does it now.
My parents are immigrants to this country so they have very old views of life, and my husbands parents are well, old school. They assume that we will have children one day, even though i have told my folks that I will not. I tip toe around the topic with my husband's parents. They are very baby crazy, they do not yet have grandchildren, my parents have 2 grandchildren with a brother I haven't spoken to in 2 years. Long story that is private and will not get into.
Last sunday i went for a visit to my parents house. They sat me down and had an "intervention" type conversation with me. They told me it has been 4 years now (almost) and that they feel taht is is time for myself and my husband to grow up and act our age....and start a family. It was aweful and they told me taht is just what married people do, and I told them i will not have children. This is hard coming from my parents, they have always supported me and NEVER told me what to do. They said i was am embarrassment to them and I disappointed them greatly. "it is time to make us happy and your in-laws happy and have children, this is what we want"
Ok, I am really upset and cried for days. I am a very smart, successful, GROWN UP WOMAN!!!!! I have a great job, own a house, a cat and dog, well traveled...so to people make me feel like [censored]?? Sure i sometimes think about my mortality, and then when i do, i remember why I do not want to have children and bring one into this world. What do I do??? Someone please help??
Remember, I have already told my parents that I will not have children. They said they want to see "results" within a year. Or else? or else what, i know they will not do anything. Maybe disown me? Well I am the only kid they have that has a steady job, happily married owns a house, and is not on drugs, etc.
HELP!!!!!!

Hello, yorkiesRcool, and welcome to the forum. I was appalled to read about the pressure your family is putting on you and your husband, and can understand why this has been so upsetting for you. It's understandable that you parents may feel disappointment at the lack of grandchildren, but to call you an embarrassment and a disappointment to your face, and to give you that sort of ultimatum, is quite another thing.

I've never been in your situation, but I think that if I were you, I would try again to get your point of view across to them, to try and make them see things in a way which they have not considered before. Since a personal confrontation sounds difficult, perhaps a letter might be more effective? That way you can take your time in setting out your arguments without the distractions of their emotional blackmail and criticism. There is of course no guarantee that it will change things, but at least you will have done your best. If they still insist that you have children purely for their sake, well, it may be time to change the way you interact with them...

In the meantime, stay strong. You know yourself well enough to know that children are not for you, and that the reasons put forward by your parents are not good reasons for procreating. It's your life, not your parents', and only you are responsible for making decisions about the way you live it. It sounds as if you have your husband's support, which is a big help.

Anyway, I'm glad you've found this forum - there are others here who have experienced similar pressure, and I'm sure they'll have good advice for you. You're not alone - plenty of women (and men) feel the way you do, and you'll find plenty of support here.

Manatee-
Thank you so much for the advice. I am very close to my parents and this is why the CF topic has been so hard.
Will I go ahead and have kids b/c they want me to, no...I try to at least understand their position and understand their point of view. However, this is why they came to this country for myself and my siblings to make the choices we want to make. This is my choice. I will try at another time, (ltr sounds great) to express my views once again to them.
I hope to finds solice and friends at this forum and the MNK website. This has been a topic that i have struggled with for almost 4 years. Not struggling with do I want kids, etc. But with how to deal with the public backlash, parents, in-laws etc. I get asked almost on a daily basis from friends, aquaintences, and people I don't even know. I am still green and learning how to deal with these people, and how to tell them about my position. It is hard and I am almost yet again in tears. Everybody says I will "change" my mind on children, but I can't be so sure about that. I guess the only way to defend my decision is to just live the CF way. There is no better way to prove my point than that.

That sounds like a good plan. It's annoying when people don't respect your choices, but persevere and they will get the point eventually! Be assertive and firm (I know, easier said than done) and don't feel that you owe nosy people an explanation - how you live your life is none of their business. Have a look at the threads discussing replies to 'bingoes' - they may give you some ideas on possible responses!

That is disgusting how they treated you! What if you COULDN'T have children? Would they still say you're immature, and not an adult? What it comes down to, is it's none of their business what you do with your private parts, and your life for that matter. You aren't hurting anyone (They're the ones who CHOOSE to be disappointed in your decision, that's their own mental hang-up) and you're doing a good thing for this planet and your life by not adding to the burden this planet already carries.
I'm very sorry to hear you got attacked like that, and that they can't see how happy you are with the way things are. A part of me says that it'd serve them right for you to tell them that you can't have kids, and not go into details, but then they'd probably pry into that, and/or treat you with pity instead of accepting that you're a whole person just as you are.

Quite frankly and succinctly - this is nothing more than emotional blackmail.
you don't say where you are originally from, but I am assuming (perhaps wrongly) that there is a latin- base to your origins.
in Latin countries (south America, Spain, portugal, Italy) Family life is sacrosanct, so it's unthinkable to your parents that you should not want children! You can't be normal, what's the matter with you?
stick to your guns.
And you know what?
I actually wouldn't say any more about it.
You are never going to change their minds,
You are never going to convince them your point of view is valid, and
You are never going to make them see you have a point of view to begin with!
You'll be wasting your breath, and just causing more sadness, anxiety, resentment and animosity.
leave the subject well alone.
They have made their point. They will expect you to comply with them, because as your parents, they believe they have a hold of you until the end of their days.
Regardless of how old you are and how long you have been married, they expect to occupy first place in your life.
Don't bring up the subject at all.
And the next time they do, change the subject immediately. Don't even give yourself the time to consider their comments.
Whatever they say that is 'baby' connected, tell them you just bought new shoes, your car needs petrol, wehat a lovely day it is, what do they think about the colour pale green for your bedroom...?
Anything but respond or rise to their provocation!
I did this (on a separate matter) with my Italian parents - they soon learnt well enough that the reply from me was always going to be the same.
After a while, they gave up.

Good Luck!!

That's some pretty heavy emotional baggage that your loved ones are placing on your plate and it's apparent that they may be having some panicked moments thinking that their most successful and balanced child is not going to be blessing them with babies to pass forward her good genes. I see what they are going through, but that's not a good enough reason for you to give birth to a baby that you're not ready for.

I hate to give advice on this, but you did ask the question, "What do I do?" so here goes; don't have babies until you are ready. To do so would be an injustice to you as well as the baby who was born to a mom with no desire to be one. It's your decision and your life.

If your parent's attitude continues to give you grief, I hope that you have access to good counseling to help you deal with their feelings. Your parents may need some counseling to help them appreciate your position on the matter as well.

I love being a mom, and my friend loves being an attorney. Why should I try to guilt her into being a parent when she doesn't push me to go to law school?

Hi yorkiesRcool! Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry to hear that your family is putting so much pressure on you and your husband--it sounds like they have said some very hurtful things to you

You'll find that probably all of us on this board have experienced pressure from family, to some degree, to have kids. We talk a lot here about the difficulty we experience in society because of our choices, so you'll get to see a lot of different perspectives which may help you...

Your plan to talk to your family later after things settle a little sounds like a good one--maybe they'll be a little more accepting/open to your thoughts and decisions now that they've heard about it at least once already and have had some time to calm down. And you're right, if you just live your life the way you want they will at some point accept it, hopefully!

I don't have any good advice about how to handle your family, but I can say that you can always come to us and vent and rant and we'll be here to commiserate with you Good luck!

Thanks to all. I feel a little better. My parents are actually Bosnian, and family is very strong in that community. I have a great relationship with my folks, and I will not let this tarnish what we have. I know I cannot control them or how they live or the questions they ask.
I love children, but I will not have children only because someone else wants me to, to continue the name, or make someone else feel like a whole person. I have such an issue with this personally b/c I feel this is another "demand" of me from my loved ones. I have had to accept resonsibility at a very young age and have always helped others and my family. Well my husband got burned 2 years ago; My brother and his wife (they have 2 kids) tried to sue us over some sad and patetic matters. For the last 2 years I have felt liberated. I can do whatever I want and I have no one to answer to. I just went to the Grand Canyon 3 weeks ago by myself and met my good friend there. My husband could not go, but he encouraged me to go. I didn't even think twice!!! I went!!!
I am happy with my life and my husband, and there are obviously issues going on in the lives of the people that ask. Either they are not happy or are trying to live their life through others. I think that is wrong.
At least my husband and I are on the same page about this. I will take a look at the other posts available and try to come up with some good come backs to those baby questions.

KinderFrei, I second everything you just said! yorkiesRcool - words cannot describe how terrible I feel for you. I just kept saying "No way" and "Oh my gosh" the whole time I was reading your post. I truly hope that things turn around in time w/ your family. Please know that we will always be of support to you here on this forum. I know it has been of great comfort to me.