BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What's Wrong with Her?

That's so true. I say stuff like that sometimes - "she's having ANOTHER baby?" But I only say this about the women that are clearly up to their eyeballs in child-related craziness. I've been trying to articulate this for some time, and here's what I think it is. In the past when I've told people I don't want kids, they have said things like, "oh, you don't know yet" or "you're too young to make that decision." I think it's the same way someone consoles you if you say you look fat, "oh you don't look fat."

It's like they have to fix what you've said because they think it's negative, or like you are putting yourself down. But what they don't get is, for ME and people like me, it's NOT A NEGATIVE. I'm thrilled that I don't have to care for children. And, it's not even about children, really. It's about being more interested in other things, and pursuing them. People's interests are different.

I dropped out of an art class years ago, and a friend of the family is always talking to me about doing art. It's like he feels bad about it. I don't. I've chosen to focus on what I am more interested in now. And I'm more into writing, and focusing on that.

I think the reason they think it's negative is because it's like you are being negative about children. But this isn't true either. I just don't want one of my own. I get upset when I see an abused child on tv, or read about it in the paper. It makes me want to cry, because I was a child once, too, and I remember how helpless that could feel at times. I love my nephew. I just don't want to be a parent. Why is this considered negative??

Happy, I think a lot of people view having children as something hopeful. It's supposed to be one of the stepping-stones of your life. When people think of having kids, they think of a bright future and hope for the best. So, to them, if kids = hope, and you don't have kids, then you don't have hope.

What they don't understand is that children don't necessarily equal fulfillment. There are so many other things to hope for. When I think of children, it's not a very hopeful feeling.

All of this has long led me to believe that I'm just not wired the same as most other people.

I was thinking the other day that having children is a rite of passage in our society. It's not always pleasant, but people who get through it are viewed as more mature, or complete adults. It's one of the things that's confusing about being CF. You can achieve anything else, but nothing can replace that rite of passage. People resent you for getting out of it, and there is some feeling that you haven't earned their respect, or there must be something wrong with you that you weren't able to do it...either physically, mentally, whatever.

I do think people resent us for getting out of it. But no one forced them to take it on. And if they did it out of duty, and not out of love, then they shouldn't be doing it.

But it's okay, because I feel the same way about women that haven't done anything with their lives regarding career. Some women take the easy way out, and just have kids. They don't feel like going through college, and then working their way up, and then they want to look down on me? I don't think so!!!

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I was thinking the other day that having children is a rite of passage in our society. It's not always pleasant, but people who get through it are viewed as more mature, or complete adults. [/quote]

frieda7--I hear this so often from friends who want children! One of my friends said that she wanted a baby because she knew it would make her a better person and she needed that. (sidenote, she then told me I needed that too...) WHAT?!?!?! You have to bring an entire new human into the world to be a better person?! How about volunteering for a charity, adopting a child who already is here and doesn't have parents, or working on making the environment better instead of burdening it even more with another human being?...

ETA: sorry, I was trying to quote frieda7 and messed up the coding...

See, the irony with that thinking is that parenting wouldn't make someone like me a better person. It would make me miserable and mean. When I don't get enough sleep, alone time, down time, whatever, I am miserable. And parenting would be a horrible choice for me, and it would be horrible for the child. It would be a lose/lose situation. I can be a lot nicer and giving with the people currently in my life BECAUSE I'm not a parent.

Great point happytobechildfree--since when does sacrificing your own health, well-being, goals, dreams, etc. for someone else make you a better person? If that person were your spouse, partner, friend, etc. everyone would say you need to get rid of them!

Ha ha, that's funny. Actually, Miranda said that on Sex and the City when her baby was putting her over the edge. She said, "if he was a guy, this is when we would break up!"

That is so funny!!

Well, I'm probably going to catch a lot of grief for this but, lol, here goes...

I have a 9 yr. old daughter. She is very strong and embraces all walks of life, especially nature. When I was pregnant and this has been really hard for me to say btw, it was extremely difficult to be around 90% of other pregnant women. They spent a lot of their husband's money, demanded a great deal of special treatment, like sending their significant other half way around the globe for a particular cookie or chocolate they craved, cooed over every and I mean every little thing. In the end the pregnancy really seemed to be more about them in the "lime-light."

Realistic issues like education, sexuality, today's drugs, etc. made the expressions on their faces run down the front like wet spaghetti. It seemed like they wanted to live in a fairy-tale. If they had children already, it was like their kid could do no wrong. I'm sitting there going I expect my child will do crazy things like I did and hope I am well rounded enough that she can approach me if she does. I even, to this day, experience full grown adults getting into shouting and punching matches over who's kid is the "golden child" I feel sorry for the kids who either hold their head down while their parents go at it or become bulligerant along with their parents.

A friend of mine waited to get pregant because she resented some of the same things. She wanted to be sure she was having a child for the well-being of the child and not out of "empty nest syndrome", lack of attention from a significant other or blatent emptiness, like, "Well I'm unfulfilled so let's do this kind of thing." It can be fulfilling but it never fixes what was broken before the pregnancy itself. Anyway, she told me recently someone referred to her as being a geriatric pregnancy, she's 37. Personally I appload her!

I wish more people would wait and many of the CF views could be heard and embraced. There is a lot of truth behind them and pregnancy can be easily romanticized. In my opinion it isn't.

if someone asks, even if I see them spending umpteen thousands of dollars on one bassinet I will tell them what I think. Kids are people, the same ones we see everyday we just get to be designated guider to the best of our ability.

If my daughter decided not to have kids I would understand, if she decides to have kids hopefully she'll aproach it realistically and know it can be fulfilling but a great deal of that has to do with how much work you do beforehand.

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
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