BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids CF because of your own childhood

I have read posts here about people saying that part of the decision to be CF stems directly from their own childhood. I can completely understand this. I had a good childhood myself, but after seeing all the issues my mom has had to go through w/ one of my siblings is enough to make anyone not want kids. My mom has had to deal w/ a child who did drugs as teen, got into all sorts of crazy trouble at school, had sex a lot as a teen (oh and did I mention in my moms own house?) and the list goes on and on. Now my sibling is an adult, divorced after a short 1.5 years of marriage at a young age, is an alcoholic and a drug addict. I feel terrible now for my sibling and I am very glad that no children were conceived during those brief 1.5 years of marriage. I don't see how my mom dealt w/ it all. I know for a fact I couldn't have gotten though all those tough years. And the sad thing is - it doesn't stop once your kid is 18 - it keeps going and going. My mom w/ have to deal w/ this situation forever unless my sibling changes. Very sad situation, and I know some of you can relate.

I really can relate. There are a lot of situations that have contributed for me. My parents divorced, and my mom had to struggle a lot being a single mom. Maybe it was better that she had kids, because being with my dad alone would be a boring life, (I love him, but that's just how he is), and after getting divorced at least she had us to keep her company. I don't know. Not that I would choose to be in her situation. I hate to be judgemental, but I think she would have been better off finding and developing her own passions in life, because she focused it all on her kids and it has never been enough. (especially once we grew up).

I just feel like you never know what's going to happen in life, and from what I've experienced I don't have that confidence that I could pull off parenting in the face of adversity. For example, a family in my neighborhood had 4 kids, and just after the 4th was born, a tree fell on their house and destroyed it. It's a year later and they're renting another house and trying to fix their old one, and having to pay rent and mortgage at the same time. It's not working, and the community has been asked to send contributions to help them.

I know from childhood that bad things are going to happen at some point, and for me it's important to have the wherewithall to deal with it. Having 4 kids and dealing with a disaster isn't my cup of tea, but if you have 4 kids, unless you're very rich, you are at the brink of not being able to pull off your life if one thing goes wrong. That has always been a fear of mine.

Another story that relates...my grandparents recently celebrated their 60th anniversary with a big dinner party. My G-pa was making a toast and saying something to every member of the family. When he got to my mom, who has had severe spine problems for the last 10 years, with pain and depression, he said something like, "My one big sadness in life is [my mom] for her life is so full of suffering and pain, and I can't do anything to fix it."

It showed me that even with a great family (her siblings have great productive lives) one problem-child can cause a lifetime of stress, disappointment, and sadness. They have continued to help her financially into their late 80's, and she has never been able to return the favor (and never will). Luckily her siblings have been better help to them.

Woops, I kind went off on some tangents here that may not exactly relate to your original post.

Wow frieda7, those were some powerful stories. I hear stories from people all the time and it is amazing to me that people are able to get through the things they do. My brother told me a story the other day about a young couple he is friends with. They have a 1.5 year old and a 4 month old. The 4 month old has to be rushed to the ER the other day because of breathing issues. Turns out the baby has RSV. The very next day, the 1.5 year old was vomitting incontrolably, and also had to be rushed to the ER. While at the ER the 2nd time, the mom got violently ill and started vomitting. By the time they got home that evening the dad got the 24 hour bug and was (well you guessed it) vomitting. On top of all of this, the dad has been working 11-12 hours a day - being worked to death basically. My brother and I were both just shocked at this story. Whew! I know I couldn't handle all of that and wouldn't want to.

I have to say No in reply to this thread. I actually had a wonderful childhood with loving parents who enjoed parenting. My younger sister and I turned out to be non-drug using, non-alcoholic, law abiding citizens with great educations and great jobs. My mom said she wished that they could have afforded to have even another child but two was the limit for them. We lived in a modest, middle income home surrounded by grandparents and happiness in a nice neighborhood. I really can't complain. I came out of childhood scar free and look back with fondness and happiness. I guess I was pretty lucky.

My hubby comes from a bit more of a jaded family background. He is one of two kids. His sister is very well educated, twice married with 2 kids. His mom and dad did not get along well, lots of marital problems although they are still reluctantly together. His mom also raised his 2 cousins b/c theis dad, his uncle, had problems with the law and had a drug problem. Another example - my hubby's mom turned out great. His mom's brother and sister, did not. One had a drug problem. The other is on public assistance. Since my hubby saw a lot of this, and also believes that his mom raising the two cousins contributed to the demise of his parent's marriage, and it does not give him the warm-fuzzies about having kids. It is my hubby's big fear that a kid will ruin our good marriage. We are currently happy as clams.

I can totally relate to your DH - I feel the same way (about a child/children ruining my marriage). Like you, I am very fortunate that I had a good childhood. It was just too bad for my sibling. It's all in the path you choose though.

I had a good childhood--not perfect and not always wonderfully happy--but still good and I have a lot of great childhood memories. BUT, growing up I did see a lot of personality characteristics that my parents have that made it hard for them to really devote themselves to parenting us. For example, my dad was not very patient with us, and he needed A LOT of alone time so he was often frustrated with us when we wanted him to play with us. And now I recognize some of those traits in myself...so I'm glad I don't want to subject that to any kids! I wish people in general would be a lot more serious and thoughtful about whether they should have children.

I definitely sympathize with what you are saying as I've met quite a few people (some of them alcoholics and drug addicts) who should not have kids. One of them even said to me, "I don't want kids because of what I saw growing up and I don't want those kids to suffer."

My mother is convinced that something that she did 'wrong' in our childhood caused both my sister and I to become CF. I'm not sure how it happened that we're both CF, although we did feel that way at an early age. Still, I don't think it really had to do with our parents doing anything wrong. I think it more had to do with the fact that my mother raised us to think about and question our life choices, and when you look at the state of the world and think about it, having kids really isn't a great idea.

We worry about that too!

We don't have a perfect marriage though, and have our ups and downs, but most of the time we get along great and are happy together. But I know for a fact that a lot of childrearing issues would cause disagreements between us. It is one thing about being CF that I'm very relieved to not have to deal with. Also, when we do have our down times (major arguments) it would be AWFUL to have a child around seeing it. Maybe that would make us tone it down and get along better? I don't know, but I kind of doubt it. I have to take a stand against my husband sometimes and it's not always pretty.

I'd have to second jhmd.
My childhood was great and my only reason for being a fencesitter is to give my experiences to "my child". But my parents groomed me for education and a career. The way my life is going there is no feasible way to add in a kid. Also my parents didn't raise me with any child care duties even though I have a sister 5 years younger, no playing house or with dolls, and no comments on growing up and having kids. So in that respect my CF stance is influenced by my parents.

I was more influenced by observing other parents and teaching. Once I got into the workforce (education field) and saw how others parented and how kids behaved that was the best birth control.