BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Where are you with regard to the fence?

Last year I would say I had one leg over the fence, one leg off. All of my friends started having kids at the same time and that caused me to really think things through for what I want for my life. I am 23 (24 in July) and I can honestly say that I have never felt more confident in my decision to be child free than in this stage of my life.

Though, I also get the occasional "pang" to become a mother, it becomes less and less as I think about the possibilities for my life without children. I am absolutely sure that if I should ever change my mind about my decision, I would adopt in a heartbeat. I'm in absolutely NO RUSH to make a decision of any kind at this point.

Thanks Pikasam! I have been coveting your world for some time now (it's had way more appeal to me in reality than the other one) but had been waiting for my emotions to catch up. I am so glad to be here!!!

Lua, this is so succinctly and accurately expressed. And I love your simple statement "It's just not on the cards for everyone". PRECISELY.

Hi Everyone-I am brand new to this site. My wonderful boyfriend of over a year told me (after I turned 37 a few months ago and started freaking out,) that he realized that he does not want kids. I was very upset, but when the smoke cleared I am realzing that I am not upset that he does not want to have them rather that it forced me to realize and accept that I do not think that I do either. I always have said that I wish that I had another 10 year window to decide...I am sitting on the fence with one foot flat on the CF side excited that I am able to speak about this and the other is still hanging over the other side scared to accept it.
I have ended relationships with men who did not want kids saying that "I did not want the choice to be made for me" but realizing that on my end the choice has always been pretty clear. I can only take kids in very small doses. I would rather have 20 dogs jumping all over me than 1 kid! I always assumed that the natural progression would be to have kids and now that I am at the point physically of having to make the decision, It just keeps coming back to not wanting them. When I think of my future and how exciting it will be being kid free...I secretly feel thrilled. THANK YOU for this site!

Uh ... no ... you sound perfectly sane to me :-) Welcome aboard!

Jennlyn, I want you to know that I have been through almost EXACTLY your experience. Welcome to the forum.

I'm 99.99% sure I never want kids..

But... Due to my constant desire to provoke people and challenge societies beliefs.. there is a very small part of me that would LOVE to be pregnant and give birth...

I mean.. I've spoken to friends and colleagues who, when they were pregnant became 'public property'.. strangers touch their stomach and rather than offer them a choice of drinks say ' no alcohol for you, you're pregnant'

I'd love it.. totally love it...

1) When someone touched me when I was preggers, I would grope their bollocks if male.. or touch their stomach back if female.. totally innocently and then say ' what? you can touch me but I can't touch you?'

2) I'd drink like a fish and dare anyone to say anything ' What? I'm a baby carrier now? My partner can drink, smoke like normal even though it's always ' WE'RE having a baby...' yet I can't?'

3) I would go back to work within 2 weeks of giving birth and let my partner look after it... promting loads of people who believe ' the mother should look after it' to try and lecture me...

4) I'd give the child my surname...after all, I've carried it for 9 months...

5) If it was a girl.. it would be dressed in blue and given trucks and cars to play with... not babies and cookers so it was 'pre-programmed' to be a mother / housewife

6) If it was a boy... it would be dressed in pink and given trucks AND cookers to play with...

You see, so many fun, fun things to wind up everyone else.. the only problem IS...

1) the child would suffer
2) I don't want kids
3) Chances are.. noone would actually care that much

Other than that.. I think it's a fantastic plan :-D

I love your suggestions, Linux Lady - the idea of challenging stereotypes is something that has real appeal for me. I really dislike the way girls are programmed from an early age to be good little nurturers while boys get to play with 'manly' toys like cars... I've never wanted children but if I did have them, I'd have none of this sort of thing!

Welcome jennlyn! I hope you don't mind me quoting your whole first post, but it just captured perfectly how I feel too. I'm 38, and through a different set of circumstances we are realizing having children would be really challenging and we're not up for it. Up until now we've been on the fence.

At times my husband has expressed that he doesn't want children (he goes back and forth) and I've actually thought about whether I want them badly enough to leave him. I don't. I definitely don't. But like you at first I was upset about it, because I wanted the decision to be mine too. So many people have hassled me about it, and told my husband he was depriving me of my full womanhood, etc., that it was really hard to discern where my feelings left off and society's began. This forum has a been lifesaver in that regard.

I was born on the CF side. Then I fell in love with someone who was on the other side, but only because that's where everyone else was! When time became a factor and we really needed to be on the same side of the fence, he realized that his reasons for being on the other side were all wrong. So now we're together, and the gate has officially closed.