BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Where are you with regard to the fence?

I loved Frieda's analogy of sitting on the fence - that she was almost over the CF side but had her feet caught in the wires. I think very much in images so this made a lot of sense to me.

I posted in that thread that I had come to my decision to be CF.

Last Sunday DH and I were out running. It suddenly came to me - something had shifted in my mind. I was no longer thinking that by some miracle of nature or opportunity I might still be a Mum. I had really come to acceptance in my mind that I won't be. All that pain and letting go over Christmas/New Year, all that crying and venting, well it seems to have been the final stage of the acceptance evolution.

I'd say I've gently fallen off the fence, onto the CF side, and am sitting on the grass very quietly, looking around me and getting familiar with my new surroundings. I'm a little bit nervous to be here, but also very excited. I can see a whole lot of possibility out there - this side of the fence is full of it.

I think some of you were BORN on this side of the fence!

"I think some of you were BORN on this side of the fence!"

Very much so! I knew as a child that I didn't want to have my own kids. I hated playing with dolls and hated baby-sitting even more. I don't know why. I had a good childhood and was surrounded by friends. I've just always said that for some reason, the maternal instinct was left out of me.

I've come up with LOTS more reasons since I was child, though, and I can't even imagine what the other side of the fence looks like. It sounds completely foreign to me.

And congratulations on the acceptance! How does it feel?

It takes a lot to come up with the decision to be cf. I struggled for years to make a decision to be cf. Its just not in the cards for everyone. This board has been really helpful, because its difficult to get support in this child centric society.

I was definitely born on the CF side of the fence. Welcome to our world - congratulations on making it over here, and I hope it's to your liking! I have a feeling it will be :-)

As for the other - to me, that would be like the story I heard about the people from some obscure jungle tribe, who were dropped in the middle of New York City and peed their pants in terror. That would be me on the child side ...

I'm dangling over the CF side by one leg. I'm almost certain I don't want children, but I get an occasional twinge of 'what if.' I'll be 24 next month, so time really isn't a factor right now. I recently started my career as a microbiologist, and I'm very passionate about it. I can't see stepping away from the long hours in order to raise a child. I love children, but in small doses. My family and friends constantly hit me with 'you'll change your mind someday.' That's why I'm glad I found this board. It allows me to see outside the mommy cult.

I was born on the CF side of the fence...but for me the fence is more like the Great Wall of China

I've pretty much always been on the CF side--hated babysitting and all that too :)--and just every once in a while I would think, "well DO i want kids?" and the answer always came to no. We're at the stage now where we want to decide whether or not to get 'fixed' and if so, when to do it. I'd love to hear if anyone has gone through that decision!

I'm not sure if I was born on this side of the fence or not. I think for me it was more of a struggle to think of myself as a mom, so maybe I was born on the CF side. I mean, I went through a few years where it was "when I have children ..." but I had a really hard time picturing that. I think that's when I decided that adoption was the way to go. But still, I could never really get excited about that. It was more like, "well, if I HAVE to have kids, I want to help siblings so they don't get split up."

And I remember when I started thinking that I didn't want to adopt at all that I was being selfish and letting down that imaginary family out there ...

Thanks Trisharoni! It feels really really nice :-) Here are some of the things I am feeling:

- Out of limbo - I can move forward now. I was really stuck for a while there, in terms of making longer-term decisions.

- Relief - life can get easier now, instead of harder. I have worked really really hard in the arts for the last 20 years with no time for myself, and I am longing to start downshifting slightly in the next couple of years. Now we can work on our downshifting plan.

- Strength. I feel like I am honouring who I really am - being courageous enough to be an individual and not go with the herd mentality. And to face fears, like old age without children, head on.

- Liberated - there are now SO many possibilities of what I can do with life and now I am released to discover them. I am also released to invest time and energy into others and causes who matter.

- Excited - I feel I can now start my own marketing freelance business in a couple of years because I don't have to worry so much - this has been my dream for most of my life

- A teensy bit smug - somehow I have got out of a whole lot of heartache and struggle that lots of people just automatically sign up for. :-)

Fence? What fence? You mean that little thing off in the distance? The one that's big and sturdy and won't blow down like my neighbor's fence did in the big winds we had here the other day? Yep, I'm as far away from it as I can get, on the CF side for sure!

Cindy