BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I think I've been disowned

Congratulations, Myrabeth!!! By evidence of your exchange, I can assuredly say you have more conversation with your mom than most, even through e-mail!! You and your mom totally, obviously care about each other, and I predict a time in your near future when you two will be hugging and crying.

You may think that's stupid or far-fetched, but it's only when you can get down to the nitty-gritty ... when you have seemingly nothing ... can you rebuild on truth.

Your mom's not a nut; from what I sense in her words, she too is trying to connect. She just doesn't know how, and she's frustrated because she can't connect with you on her terms. Thank goodness you didn't relent.

But at the same time, remember to love her and care for her fragile feelings (this may be an unpopular thing to say, but it's my two cents and valid). They (our parents) grew up 20-30 years ago, and other than Woodstock and other anomalies, kids didn't buck their systems too much. Kids pretty much did as the parents did. Your mom's mold has a hard time dealing with this. She'll cry...she doesn't understand.

Best thing to do I think is to keep your stance (or else suffer her guilt-trip train running all over you), but love her...talk with her...

Think about it -- when we as women suffer with something that pains us, and we (sometimes mistakenly, but in trust) turn to our husbands/boyfriends, aren't we sometimes, if not most times, disappointed with their responses? They come at us with logic and reason, and we just sometimes aren't ready yet. Maybe your mom is the same way. Maybe if you could just hug her...or, if you're not local to her, send her a letter that says nothing but "I love you, Mom."

You've done GREAT in standing your ground; you've ended the guilt trip. But from those e-mails, it sounds like you and your mom have a bond...at least, one your mom is still reaching for, just maybe not going about it the right way. Stick with her.

We only have one mom.

On the other hand, Myrabeth, if she's a beeyotch to you and there's no hope of repair and if you totally hate her, toss her off, remembering that family is our fate; friends are our choice.

But seriously, if you don't hate her, exercise patience and love, never compromising yourself.

Myrabeth, you seriously could be telling my story of life with my mother. She was just dreadful when I was growing up and constantly told me that I was worthless etc. I saw her for the first time in 5 years last year when my grandmother was sick and talked to her around the same time. Let's just say time doesn't heal all wounds and some people aren't meant to get along.

If your mum doesn't realise that she's done the wrong thing now, trust me, she isn't ever going to get it. I believed my mother numerous times that I was the one in the wrong and had the low self esteem to prove it. The thing is, that you only keep going back so many times.

Sorry for the rambling, but I guess I'm trying to say - your life could be better without her in it. If all she adds to your life is stress/unhappiness, then it feels so much better when you choose not to deal with it. You can choose instead to only be around people that add joy to your life.

As for missing out on family connections, one option is to establish stronger bonds with your aunts/uncles or grandparents.

Good luck

Hi myrabeth. I'm so sorry for you. I also had/have big problems with my mother and there are many connections between your mothers behavior and the behavior of mine.
Her best weapon is giving the guilt trip to me. It always worked BUT, well a few years ago it really was enough. We had an analog discussion like you had.

I hope that there will be a happy ending for you and your mom, but I think it was high time for you to talk your feelings out and get her back on earth again.

Good luck, I will be thinking of you!
Juliana

Myra, I'm sending huge hugs your way. That email took a lot of courage. Hang in there!

Oh, and was she serious with that last line, congratulating you on being engaged?? Or was she being sarcastic?

I read the exchange, and this is what I saw:

mom's comments: passive-aggressive BS
your comments: Well thought out, clear and logical responses

I wish I could do that. Awesome job, Myrabeth!

Thanks again for all the support and feedback. I love having a place I can go to get fresh eyes and other experiences to help me see the situation.

In regards to whether I love my mom: Honestly, I've been very unsure of that since I passed the age of saying it because I was trained to. I told a friend once, when I was about 14 years old, that even if my mom and I were the same age, there's no way we'd be friends. We're too different in every respect. Thinking of that comment now, when we're both adults (who can't stand each other), I guess I was right. If I can't fathom any kind of friendship with her, what's really left?

Actually, I don't think there is anything left. I came home from work this evening to an email from her. She says she's finished dealing with me.

I won't bother copying this last one. It's mostly echoes of her previous comments in a rambling format. I will, however post some notes from her ramble and my thoughts on it, probably for the last time.

*She still refuses to take any responsibility for our problems, and insists that I see myself as entirely blameless for everything imperfect in my life. I've have to be a complete idiot to think such things about myself, anyone would. So is she commenting on my ego or my intelligence?

*She has added her 30 years of issues with my aunt to the list of things SHE is entirely blameless for. I think she's planning to spend her retirement in Denial Land. Otherwise, why would she invest so much in it?

*She makes a point of saying it takes two to argue. Based on everything else she's said being loaded with heavy implications of "everything is your or your aunt's fault" my only thought on that is "Huh?"

*She tells me she's proud of what I'm doing with my writing dreams. NOW she says something about it? If you have to be prompted, lady, it doesn't really mean much.

* Looking at the mother-daughter relationship in the abstract makes me think, "We should have had a better relationship." Oddly, I don't attach any regret or heavy emotion to that statement. It ran through my mind as benignly as a grocery list.

*She made no reference to the comments I made about being made to feel like her greatest disappointment for most of my life. I suppose it doesn't matter enough to her to warrant response.

I think I'm settling into this new situation. I'm not as uncomfortable about facing life without her in it as I feel I should be. Seeing her words, "That's it. I'm done, no more." at the top of her email actually brought a small feeling of relief. So it's finished now, and I think I'm ok with that. I strongly suspect my dad will jump into the fray and try to save us from ourselves, but unless/ until he does, I can have a little peace of mind in knowing that it's all over. I can go on with my life without Mom's dark cloud traveling with me. I took the opportunity I had to say everything I needed to say to her, so I don't feel there are loose ends.

Sometimes a sense of relief is all you get when somebody leaves your life. That can be an ex, a friend or even a parent.

When I grew old enough not to get prompted into having to speak to my real father I stopped. He never made any effort really, we tended to speak once a year and then that even declined. I don't even know which country he's in, he has no idea I live in Australia now. And I feel nothing about this. It's not as though I'm happy, it's just a complete absence of feeling. Which in itself is better than a nasty foreboding of talking to/dealing with him.

I hope your peace of mind remains, whether that's with or without her.

I agree with Softstuff....some people are not worth the drama they bring into your life.
I had a difficult friend...we worked together many years ago - she was 14 years older than me so, she was sort of a mentor.
She's an eccentric person and I made allowances for her behaviour and made excuses for her rudeness.
Everything was a drama - she had allergies so, going to a restaurant with her was a real drama - she always made a huge fuss.
I tried to see less of her and modify the relationship to lessen it's impact on my life.
THEN, after an extreme display of insensitivity and rudeness to a colleague - the decision was made - I no longer wanted this woman in my life. It opened my eyes...
It was a difficult thing to do - but I have never regretted my decision. Life is far too short....
She tried to "make amends" for over a year but she had pushed things too far - I'd had enough...
So, I can understand your decision - if you can't find some way of making the relationship work - you have to ask yourself if it's worth it...what do you get out of the relationship?
Also, I hope your aunt eventually finds the strength to free herself from what sounds like an unhealthy relationship - sometimes, when this is all you've ever known, you don't really SEE the dynamics of the relationship - some people eventually see the dysfunction and take steps and sadly, others continue to accept the negative presence in their lives.
I also, hope you find peace of mind with or without your mother.