BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids mothers VS childfree

"I worked in a mental hospital and quickly learned that is not a job for me. Haunted-eyed Vampire Guy was kind of cute and interesting, and I am an open book."

Ha ha ha! Frieda, you're a funny one! Actually, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't work with kids because they can outsmart me quite easily. I am just too naive for the little buggers.

msbaby, do you mean would it be responsible to subject natural children to the difficulties that come from fostering/adoption? I think that's a good point, although people get into marriages with people who have ugly divorces and spouses that try to destroy their lives, and single parents marry and end up with step-parents and siblings that can create some awful sitations, too.

I guess whenever you've got a complicated or extended family, things can get ugly, and it's the responsibility of the family to keep that in mind. If the parents know that adopting or fostering a child is going to expose their own children to an abusive or bad situation, then they should probably avoid it.

Of course, I think this is one of those problems with the current system. If you're going to adopt or foster a kid, you and your family should be protected from the natural parent. And a parent that is obviously abusive should lose visitation rights.

this is probably my biggest soap box. i've worked with teens for about 8 years, the majority of whom are "at risk." i have devoted my life to these kids who are other people's children. they come and go, sometimes without warning and it can be heartbreaking work at times. i love my work and i love all the kids i've worked with. i never ask for a pat on the back but i get so peeved when the work i do isn't valued compared to a hypothetical child i could have. i would surely have to abandon my work, or significantly reduce the hours i spent there, so that i could focus on my one child. this makes me crazy. i feel that my purpose is to be an adult in these kids' lives. a non-parent who can truly give of myself to them.

OMG, this is so sad. How could someone do that to their child? The system is horrible. I won't go into all of the details b/c I've shared so many times before, but my sister is neglectful of my nephew, and tested positive for cocaine, and got her son back. My parents were fighting to adopt their grandson. And, she allowed one of her ex boyfriends to physically abuse my nephew. He had bite marks and hand prints on his back. We documented all of this with social services, and his irresponsible mother still got him back. She's the same as the woman you described - it's all about her, and what she can get for free b/c she's a mother. She just got her college degree for free. It's disgusting, but the system favors the natural mother every time. Grrr.

Happy, this sort of stuff is SO annoying. When it became apparent that my grandniece's parents couldn't/wouldn't care for her, my brother and his partner, the natural parents and her mother had a conference with social services in New Zealand. The natural mother's mother was making all these noises about taking the baby, until she asked how much money she was going to get for looking after it - and when the reply was none, she immediately lost all interest. The kid's mother has been out to see her twice in nearly five months, and my nephew is basically being a troublemaking waste of space. His NEW girlfriend is pregnant (I know, someone needs to tie a knot in it for him ...) and she's bugging him about getting the baby back because "just think of all the extra money we can get!" The stupid, it burns!!

I've told my parents and my brother to make sure that they do the legal adoption thing as soon as they're able to, but they're so blase about the whole thing it makes me want to scream. "Oh, well, she's so settled now they won't take her away from us". So what happens in a year or two, if mother meets the right guy, gets married, and decides she wants her baby back? At the very least they're in for an ugly confrontation, and at the worst heartbreak. Because social services in New Zealand is the same as social services everywhere - baybeez need to be with their mummies, even if she is a useless oxygen thief. It makes me want to slap somebody...

Hi Pikasam, I wrote a reply to you last night, but it didn't go through. Something happened when I submitted it. I hate when that happens. So here I go again...

Your story sounds so familiar. I agree that they should get things handled legally asap. It's so disruptive to the child once they get into a positive environment, and then the "parents" decide to come back around. I know it's really bad for my nephew b/c he is constantly being shuttled back and forth between his Mom and my parents. And his Mom often blows him off, and doesn't pick him up when she is supposed to. It really hurts his feelings, and he doesn't like going with her. He's going to really rebel against her when he is a teen. And she deserves it.

Your nephew got someone else pregnant? OMG. What a mess. I feel bad for the babies. Your brother and his SO are so kind to take this on. I hope it works out for them, and the babies. I think even if your brother and SO adopt the first baby, the Mom can still come back later on once she gets her act together. It's so unfair to the kids, b/c they are ripped from their comfortable environment. A mature parent would want what's best for the child, but when someone does this to a small child, they are only thinking of themselves. It's so wrong.

Keep us posted on what happens with your nephew's new child. Would your brother adopt that baby, too? What a nightmare. Who would be giving your nephew and his girlfriend money, the government?

I understand what you are saying about the baby's mother's mother asking what she would get. But then in a way, she should be compensated if she decides to raise her grandchild. Not by the government, though, but by her daughter. Kids just take it for granted that the grandparents will raise their child, and do it for free. They need to realize that life choices have consequences. I say this b/c my sister is doing the exact same thing!!!