BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids mothers VS childfree

I found a couple interesting quotes regarding parenthood and the childfree. Although the childfree perspective seems rather arrogant, she�s probably sick of hearing mothers glorify motherhood. We can certainly attest to that sentiment! The mother I�m quoting stood out from the other quotes � she�s the only one who questioned society�s motives for hiding the truth of motherhood. Here�s the source of the quotes:

http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2007/03/26/i-cannot-handle-being-a-mother-anymore/

A mother�s perspective:

�I always took for granted working hard to support myself and wanting the family life. Now I have it and am realizing responsibility is exhausting. I can handle hating my job, or my boyfriend, car payments, leaky faucet, dog crapping in the house, etc. Knowing that there is someone always dependent on you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially is not only exhausting but terrifying. Holding someone else�s life in your hands is nothing you could ever prepare yourself for. Even if you�ve married the love of your life, have tons of money, beautiful house, loving friends. You can portray the perfect fantasy and still have a dark cloud looming over you.

Do you really think if anyone knew what it�s really like to be a parent that anyone would still be reproducing?

Every day I feel the urge to walk away, no run away. Then the guilt pours in and knowing how much I love my child I wonder if I ever could. Even though I know mentally, emotionally and physically I would be better off without the title of �MOM.� The anxiety and guilt and comes with motherhood is overwhelming at times. Why don�t they teach that in life skills? And why don�t they tell you the �joys of motherhood� are few and far in between the �when did my life get taken away� moments?�

A childfree perspective:

�You all just helped solidify my decision to get sterilized. I will never know the torment of grotesquely fattened preggo stomach, labour pain, or the lack odf freedom, or the sleepless nights, expenses, and ruining of my potential, all for the sake of creating another useless human. Sure, kids love ya, need ya, whatever,�..I have a loving husband, a career I love, travel, hobbies, a great dog�.and still look great in a bikini at nearly 40 , and have plenty of time for beaches, parties, etc�.shallow life? Nope! Just happy. And I get to CHOOSE whop I am kind to, not have it forced on me. Sooo glad I am childfree, but my condolences to you who regret parenthood but can�t admit it and hide the truth in vague protests of it all being �worth it��.hey, whatever gets ya through the next day trapped at home with no sitter or midnight feeding��

Even though I relate more to the childfree perspective, I agree with the mother that something should be done about educating the public. But if the entire public knew the truth we might face a severe depopulation crisis! Is it a secret best kept to the small minority, or would the majority ignore the warnings and reproduce anyway? It's unfortunate that the less educated people are the more they tend to breed.

Personally, I don't think the CF response was appropriate. Many of the posts by disillusioned mothers were honest, raw and very sad, and to gloat like that (in what does not appear to be a CF blog) struck me as being in poor taste as well as unsolicited. If there was a sensitive way to convey the point that the reality of motherhood should be discussed, this was not it.

Just my two cents' worth.

You're right, she could've said the exact same thing in a kinder way. Although I agree with what she said, I disagree with how she said it. She made the rest of us look bad in one of the few places mothers felt safe enough to be honest. Such disrespect is the reason mothers are dishonest in the first place.

i actually feel really bad for most mothers . that's one of the reasons why i enjoy working at the gym in the childwatch and babysitting b/c i know that the moms really need a break sometimes. even though some parents can put on an aura of superiority i have to say that most of the parents i encounter are very respectful of me and really appreciate the work i do.

that is so sad to read that mother's blog. i agree that the CF response could've been a lot nicer. while i really enjoy being CF i really try to be supportive of people who are mothers.

that being said i still get annoyed if a parent bingoes me or acts all pompous.

indigo

I've been making my way through all the comments and have just been struck by the way in which some people fail to listen to their feelings and make a bad situation even worse. One poster mentioned that her children have never given her any joy, and that being a mother makes her miserable. Her three children are 6, 7 and 12. If she didn't enjoy the first one, why on earth did she go on to have two more? What's more, she says "I never even wanted kids, was never even on my mind". How does someone with that attitude end up with three children? I simply don't understand it.

Another unhappy poster discussed her dilemma over whether or not she should have a third child. Again, I find it difficult to empathise - if you already have two children and are miserable, why would you possibly want a third? Surely adding another baby to the mix would only make things more difficult, rather than provide a magic solution to her existing problems?

Sorry to rant, but this sort of thing boggles my mind. I can understand having one child, finding the experience not quite to one's liking and trying to make the best of it; repeating the same mistake over and over is quite another matter. When will people learn?

You are so right. If this is how some CF people act toward parents, I can almost understand their dislike.

I felt so bad for the mothers on that page. I have made some huge mistakes in my lifetime (haven't we all?), and luckily it didn't involve having children. Their misfortune was that their mistake was having a kid and not realizing how much work it is. Too bad there aren't any parenthood internships - imagine what effect that might have!

As a Mom I just want to jump in here and say "having kids is NOT for sissies". Everyone gets stressed and or depressed at some time in their life, even child free people do. I also don't agree with ""the less educated people are the more they tend to breed."" This really amazes me at all the stuff I read in this forum, I am certainly getting educated I do not consider myself overly educated, but I'm not that dumb (ok this is just my own opinion on that last statement) but I knew when I had a baby that my life would change, I knew when I had the second baby my life would really change and it was ok with me. I must really agree with some of you in here, don't people realize this ??? I mean come on you have to know that there will be HUGE changes, no I didn't know all of the stuff about having kids(like no one told me that my youngest would one day bring 2 of his friends in the bathroom while I was in the shower to ask me something) but I knew a few things like, no more sleeping in, excessive laundry, smelly clothes, sick, money for babysitter, diapers etc. etc. and there are wonderful things, like they are cute and say really funny things, they spend their last dime on you, etc. etc. There is good and bad just like life in general. And to answer if I ever felt like running, sure but there are times right now that I want to run screaming from my house but to hate your own kids, well that says you need help. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying you can't feel that but if you do feel that, get some help and if it turns out you want to leave then do so but don't just sit there weather you have kids or not, you are still somewhat in charge of your own destiny. I have a huge amount of respect for someone who knows that they can't do it and either gives the child up for adoption or signs over custody to whomever, this is a better way than sticking around and just abusing the child sort of like punishment because you feel you got dealt a bad hand. Maybe I am just a gutsy person and don't see the other side, I'm not trying to be mean but goodness kids are not making you feel that way, it all depends on what kind of parent you are. No my kids are not perfect but if they get to a certain point, well they know it and the reason they know it is because I made it VERY CLEAR. Ok I'm getting off my soap box now.

Whoa. My post was in no way meant to bash mothers. I thought some of our comments were rather sympathetic. I know kids are not for sissies - I am a sissy and would not have the courage to deal with what I expect parenthood is like, and I think the world is better that the people on this forum have chosen not to have kids simply because a child should not be born to people who do not want it. It's unfair to all parties involved.

I know some people do think the whole child question through and still find it more than they can handle, and I realize it is not the child's fault. More respect to you, CrochetQueen, for finding it difficult and wanting to run away but sticking with your responsibilities.

By the way, I do believe the less educated one is, the more likely they are to have children. Show me a woman with a Ph.D. and ten children in the U.S. - perhaps they exist, but they're rare. Other countries, where people are less educated (Mexico, for example), mothers have many, many children but seldom make it past 6th grade. I have worked with the uneducated masses and they tend to not only have children, but a gaggle of them. I do not believe, however, that you are uneducated if you have children. Educated people have children and I do not think they are stupid for it. You misinterpreted the original post.

However, I hope you realize you HAVE stumbled onto a CHILDFREE forum, where people who have made the choice not to have children can find support in this parenthood-centric world and not have parents come in who don't understand what this forum is about. I hope I don't come across as a jerk, because I am actually a nice person and don't like hurting others' feelings, but we get a lot of parents who come into our forum and make us all feel bad for our opinions - and that's all they are. Opinions. I don't go to parenthood forums and tell them they're wrong.

CQ, I apologize if my post appeared to be demeaning to parents. I misworded a phrase you quoted - I meant that the more educated a woman is, the less children she is likely to have (as opposed to having zero children). I wasn't implying that all parents are uneducated; instead, I was aiming that phrase to the parents who don't consider the pros and cons. This is why the childfree distinguish between the terms "breeder" and "parent" - the latter being the more responsible of the two. Since you did take everything into account, I would consider you to be one of the smart parents. And I definitely agree with you that life has both positives and negatives whether you have children or not.

You know, I was talking to someone at dinner tonight who actually said that he thinks most people who have kids are uneducated, so he needs to have educated kids to balance things out.

I was the one who argued that even if it so happens that people in large families come from a poor or uneducated background, it doesn't mean that the people are stupid. It just means that they have potential.

I know sometimes on this site I'm a lot more negative about parents then I mean to be. It's because I'm so relieved to be around people who finally think like me that I sometimes exagerate. I tend to vent on this site, because it's the only place that I can talk about how I really feel, and since I have to spend all of my time censoring myself, I am more radical when I actually talk about it.

Another thing. One of the biggest reasons why I don't want to have children is because I think we're on the verge of really suffering as a society due to overpopulation. Most people are much more optimistic about the future than I am. The thing is, I hope I'm wrong. I really, really hope I'm wrong. I don't want to see these people suffer. I don't want to see individuals become less important as they are swallowed up by masses of the needy. I hope that advances in technology and conservation efforts are just about to change things for the better. But things just don't look like that from where I'm looking. And I think that other people could see this, too, but they aren't looking because it's too frightening. I don't really blame them for this, but it doesn't change anything.