BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Making decision permanent

I'm glad I found this list too. I have several friends who are child free and many with kids (and most of us still socialize together - imagine that) and they all seemed to know very early in their lives which side they fell on.

It's definitely been good to hear supportive comments from people who found things murkier like us. Not sure I'd make that great a mom, but I'm a super Auntie.

BTW, I don't look or feel 38. I went to a dear friend's kids's b-day party a few years ago. The moms there all looked old. I thought, these aren't my contemporaries - these are like my mom's friends. Scary.

I have a strong feeling that the loss you feel is simply because you've deviated from the life path. Good for you! It's scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

I can relate though - I had a staunch CF friend who went into menopause just after turning 40. She'd never wanted kids, actively hated them in fact, but spent an evening bawling her eyes out after being told. Not because she wanted to be a mother, but she just felt that she'd lost something, that a part of her life had gone by that she wouldn't be getting back. I guess it's human nature to always want the choice, even if we never exercise it.

Welcome to the forum! Have fun!

I forgot to respond to that comment about the sense of loss too. I've had that too. I hadn't really defined it as "loss" but I guess that's what it is. It's complicated because it's a loss of fitting in with peers, a loss of ever knowing whether I would actually give birth to the second coming of Jesus or something, and what feels like a loss of respect from some people (maybe I'm projecting) who think you're not a real woman if you're not a mother. There are a lot of different aspects to the feeling.

This is a great thread...one with some deep thought and female emotions of fear, possible regret, loss, and other feelings we have that we don't surface with friends or family.

I could post a billion messages in here and cheerfully wave my CF flag until I pass out, but when it comes down to it -- the time when it's no longer a choice after menopause -- I'm sure I will feel a sense of loss, having missed out on one of life's most significant offerings: The ability to create a life, raise it to be a good human, and have fun along the way.

*dramatic pause for deep reflection and a small sniffle followed by a long sigh*

WELP -- enough of that. Just a few reflections on what scabby nipples must feel like washes away anything remotely related to feeling maternal.

Ewwwww. I'll have to remember that.

LOL!

I threw a baby shower last month for a girlfriend who's due any day now. Of course the conversation turned to nursing and one woman regaled us with a story about how she had softballs under her arms when her milk came in. Well, the mom-to-be looked just horrified.

I have enough friends with kids that sometimes I think I know more about it than some of my other friends did before they got pregnant. Maybe that's why it doesn't sound appealing.

Having a child is a major life experience.
Choosing not to have one takes a lot of strength.
When you know the choice is gone - there is sadness, loss sometimes, grief. It seems almost every woman goes through "something"...even if she never wanted kids.
Its human nature to "keep your options open"...comforting almost.
It enables you to keep the issue alive...without making a final decision.
AND, some women are never able to make a final decision - they let nature do that for them.
Once you have gone through this phase, the other side is pure heaven.
It is so nice to know my DH & I will never have THAT conversation again...the should we, shouldn't we
There's life on the other side and its pretty damn good!
Can you pass me that travel brochure...

I felt the same way you do when we decided to make it permanent. We were 31. I had tortured myself with indecision for 5 years. When a health problem caused me to need to stop taking the pill, it made our decision more urgent. I'd always been leaning toward no kids, but when we finally did it I was upset for days. That made me very angry because I was really looking forward to a feeling of relief, that there was no longer a reason to wonder and waffle.

Three years on, I still have periodic bouts of doubt every few months. Right now I'm going through one of the worst, which is why I registered here. I'm afraid that I will never have the complete relief that I thought the surgery would provide. It's comforting to read that others have felt a surprising sense of loss as well. Thanks for starting the thread.

Welcome woodsygirl. Sorry you've been going through the doubts. You're definitely not alone, in feeling mixed about it.

Love it...