BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "I work for free but my work is worth $144,000/yr"

Please marry me and have my children - we can work out a way for two women to have kids.. honest!

Seriously though, fantastic post - I shall be stalking you and taking tips in future

The "you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your mom" is one of the stupidest comments I've ever heard in my life. I wish I would STOP hearing it.

The MOST STUPID comment I've ever heard was "Smile! Your mom chose life!"

Thanks Angela for your very well reasoned post.



I'm not sure how you would have any idea what my mom complained about or didn't complain about. Have you ever read www.truemomconfessions.com? I hear a lot of moms complaining actually. In fact, listening to all the mothers complaining over the years, including my own, has led me to believe motherhood isn't that much fun.

I don't mean to sound bitchy...sorry if this does. It's just I always hear moms complaining, and it makes me confused because on the other hand they so insistently recommend the job to me. Then I hear mothers say, "Why didn't anyone tell me how hard it is?", which makes me wonder because I feel like I hear how hard it is all the time.

Why do people get offended at the sheer fact that we don't want kids? Is it really that insulting that I chose another path in this life? Last I checked, I wasn't lurking in any of the dozen or so children forums, smashing parents, simply for being parents.

I don't believe that stay at home moms are lazy, far from it I understand. That job is a tough one. But most of us have tough jobs. We have stress, we have problems, it is a fact of life. My job would make 99% of the people in this world go insane. Which is fine, those 99% of people just do something else, because the job doesn't fit. I don't go around to everyone that doesn't do my job and insult them. That would just be ridiculous.

If I did go around to everyone I met and complained about how horrible my job is, and how hard it is, and how stressfull, and how no body understands, and I don't get enough credit..etc. etc. People would tell me to either stop whining, or get another job, obviously I made a bad choice.

But I did in fact make my choice. I stand by it, I live up to it, and I don't attempt for martyrdom everytime I talk about my job. There are good sides and bad sides to every job. Including being a stay at home parent. But why all the complaining? Bahrain said it perfectly in that "for me, being a stay at home mom was a privilege". Isn't that to be expected? How many of us actually truly love our jobs? Stay at home moms get that. They stay at home with a child that they love, and they take care of them, there is a lot of stress involved, I understand that. But you get to spend the day with a child you love. That sounds like a good deal to me.

I made the choice not to have a child based on many reasons. I put a lot of thought into my decision, because of how important it is. Hopefully, parents put the same ammount of thought into actually having a child. So why all the crying over it? Don't you think all of that negativity rubs off on the kid, at least on some subconsious level? If someone hates being a stay at home parent so bad..then they probably arn't doing a good job. Because no matter what those feelings pent up inside are being transfered to that child. Wouldn't it be better to instead go get a job, and place the child in daycare during the days?

The biggest problem that has seemed to develop with stay at home parents can be summed up by this. The following is fact: BEING A STAY AT HOME PARENT IS NOT A JOB. PERIOD. It's so much more than that, it really is. You are actively molding someone's future..and not just any someone..your someone.

I do my job..and go home..hopefully one day, the work I have done will make a difference. But that's a maybe. Your work as a stay at home parent makes a difference. You are lucky enough to be doing the most important task that a parent will ever do. And you chose this life, so please stop seeking martyrdom. If you can't handle it, go get a job, and seek a good daycare. All that hating your life over being a stay at home parent is doing is ruining your life, and most likely effecting the kid as well.

Skeeter

Oh and your right...my mom didn't complain. She took the task seriously, and performed wonderfully. And she didn't ask for attention, she didn't whine, and she didn't try and lecture those that did otherwise....translation "my mother was a GOOD mother"....take notes



Skeeter

Oh please. Don't even bother trying to make me feel bad for what i said or trying to say that I'm a bad mother. That's judging.

It just proves to me that what I said hit a raw nerve and as they say the truth hurts.

Sorry, skeeter, just read your full message before the last one. No, I didn't say I hated it. Where did you get that from?

I am not seeking martyrdom as you call it. Just expressing an opinion just like the rest of you do everyday. So what difference does it make if I express an opinion just because you don't like it.
It makes no difference. That's why it's called a forum.

There are a million different types of relationships. I agree if a husband and wife decide together that the wife will stay home, that it isn't fair if the husband changes his mind and leaves. But, every situation is different. WHY is the husband leaving the wife? And, as an observant woman, I think women are being really naive to quit their jobs and stay home with the kids and to hope for the best. As was stated above, at least half of marriages end in divorce. This is not good long term planning, to not even think about the what ifs? Women have to protect themselves, and make smart decisions, to prevent themselves from getting into a horrible life predicament, such as having no current skills, and no way to support themselves. The husband might not leave, but could unexpectedly get hit by a car, come down with MS, whatever, and not be able to work. Then what? I know these are worst case scenarios, but if a woman has kids, it's best to think about having a back up plan to provide for them. I know, there's life insurance. But a plan that doesn't include relying on someone else's money. The life insurance won't last forever either.

I know countless women that view staying at home with the kids as "getting out of" going to work. So they clearly enjoy and prefer being with the kids, and don't enjoy working outside of the home. So they are doing what they want to do. But at what cost?

Someone mentioned being out of the work force for years, and not having up to date skills. Most kids are in preK or Kindergarten, or some type of preschooling by 4. At least, this is the case for most women I know. Once the kids are in some type of program, you can't tell me that the mother can't do some type of paid work to keep herself in the game, and to keep her skills fresh so that she can provide for her kids if she needs to. A woman (or man) that agrees to the stay at home arrangement is taking a risk, and many women are willing to do this b/c they really don't want to work. They aren't thinking about what they will do later, and that's unfortunate.

Just a few people I know, and their stories:
Mother of 2, married a trader that was making $100,000 a year. She was thrilled to stay at home, and bragged about their money, etc., and that she was able to SAH. Husband lost his job, and couldn't get similar work again. He's now making $40,000 and his wife is caring for two boys that have autism. Because she married a "traditional" Italian man who believes his wife should stay home with and care for the kids, he doesn't help with the kids at all. Now she's doing all of the housework, and can't find decent work b/c she hasn't worked in an office in years. She's miserable and working as a waitress. She can't or won't leave. She's trapped.

Mother of 2, married a man that was making several hundred thou a year. She quit her job immediately after they married, before the kids came along. She felt entitled and that her husband "should provide for her." Her husband started cheating, they divorced, and he is paying her $60,000 a year. She doesn't have a lot of money right now. Both of her kids are in preschool a couple of days a week. And she still isn't working. I guess she's going to wait a couple more years until her skills are completely gone. Bad choices.

I could go on and on. It's hard to feel sorry for women that knowingly put themselves in high risk situations. There are women that take advantage of men, and there are men that take advantage and leave their wives and children and don't care about supporting their kids. That's wrong, too. But women can CHOOSE not to put themselves in a situation where their husband can screw them over.

I would never let my husband tell me that he doesn't want me to work. That's a red flag that he wants power over me, and wants me stuck in the house doing meaningless chores. I would not be happy with that arrangement. I know some women jump at the chance to not have to work with backstabbers, etc., but it comes with a price. And it probably won't last forever, staying at home.

I've been stabbed in the back by my sisters, and my Mom is constantly abused by my sister. So things aren't always a picnic in the home, too. At least when I endure that [censored] at work I am keeping myself part of the work force, and I have options - i can get another job. If you have kids that stab you in the back, you are stuck with them.

I don't think anyone should tell someone else that they "wouldn't be here if it wasn't for their mother." Unless you know my mother, please don't glorify her role in my life. There have been many times in my life that I wished my mother hadn't had me because my childhood wasn't that great. I am not alone in this. If more mothers thought about whether or not they would actually be good at parenting, and could handle the daily demands, maybe they wouldn't have kids. This is not a bad thing. Thank God we can make that choice now b/c of birth control. I choose not to list all of the casualties of bad parenting from a generation of women that were forced into parenting b/c adequate bc didn't exist.

My friend whose husband made several thousand a year was making about $30,000 a year before she got married. Her HUSBAND busted his hump to make the money he was making, and worked tons of hours. Yes, she should get something in the settlement, but not half. She was calculating when she got married and knew she was marrying someone that made a lot of money. Instead of really working at a career for herself, she took the easy way out and hung out in bars until she met a sugar daddy like her husband. This should not be treated with the same respect as someone that worked hard in college and in the work world and earned their money. Her story is very common. It's classic. It's arguably more important for women to create their own power and money than to latch onto their husbands.

But her husband is a jerk, too, and told her she should be saving for the kids college education with the mere $60,000 she's getting from him. He can more than afford, and should want to put his kids through college. But he doesn't care.

I've noted in so many situations that many men don't care about their offspring anymore once things go south with the wife. Or, they meet someone else, have a family with them, and it's all about their new family. None of this is a secret, we've all heard the stories. If women continue to bury their heads in the sand, they aren't really helping themselves.

But you obviously felt angered / passionate enough to post your opinion on here.....

I don't go onto new parents boards and post about prolapses, stitches and death...

Deffinently wasn't impying you Bahrain, thats why I even quoted you in a positive light, I was refering to those stay at homes tthat do constantly seek martyrdom for their efforts