BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The new stupid

This reminds me of something that bothers me. Okay, one of the main reasons I have been hesitant to jump into the baby cult is because of the enormous risks. On top of that, we'd have to go through fertility treatments (long story and I don't want to repeat it yet again), so we'd have to REALLY want a child to have one biologically. So, if I explain to people (like my mom) why I don't want kids, they always say, "Well, why don't you just adopt?"

The real answer would be, because I don't want to. But also, to me it feels like a very risky enterprise to adopt also. Do these people really think it's such a breeze that anyone should do it? Maybe in a different way than having a bio-kid, but in it's own way I know it would pose it's own set of difficulties. You might adopt a baby who looks fine, but then when it gets older it might have anything wrong with it. Plus, to all those people who say "It's different when it's your own," how does that work when you adopt?

I guess my point is, when people hear how hard it is for us to have kids, and that we don't want one bad enough to go through that, and suggest adoption, I just feel like, Isn't that taking on a huge risk and unknown too? Shouldn't someone really be passionate about it? Where do people get this idea that everyone needs to be a parent, and if you can't have your own kids, obviously you should just jump into adoption. I agree it's a very noble thing to do, but you should at least want to be a parent before doing it! If someone says they have mixed feelings about having kids, how is it helpful to suggest adoption? And everyone may not be up to it. I'm sick of people suggesting it to me, to be honest.

Hear ya there, Frieda.

And parents try to poke and prod their way around your life, questioning it and coming up with alternatives, as if you've been waiting around for them to come into your life to help you through some sort of struggle. How would they like it if we did the same in other areas of their lives?

- "You're not working? Really, how come -- do you not like to work? Holy krap, what if you wind up penniless? Have you tried applying yourself?"

- "So, you're a vegetarian...got something against ranch hands? How selfish of you not to support their hard work. Try rib-eye..you mind change your mind."

- "Why the eff would you choose a black car -- it shows so much dirt! White cars are the way to go. Or did you consider a metallic color?"

- "Apartment dweller, huh? Couldn't afford the down payment on a house? Have you tried HUD homes? You know, I hear foreclosures are easy to come by."

- "I see your teeth are more crooked than a piano keyboard tossed from a 10-story window. I know the name of a great ortho..."

- "Plan on losing weight anytime soon? You'd LOVE being thinner. Have you tried purging? How about lipo?"

Ugh...they just don't get it...

Ha ha!! I love your suggestions, especially, "Have you tried applying yourself?" hee hee.

Angela, you're hysterical!

"Afraid of how the kid might turn out" is just one small reason that I don't want kids. If I listed all the reasons, it would be a LOOOONG post! But I agree, it's something that a lot of parents don't consider. Everyone has these ideas that their child will be healthy, perfect, smart, athletic, etc. No one says, "gee, I really hope my kid has a smart mouth!"

That is so frustrating, and would bug me, too. I wonder if you could give another reason, because if you act like you would like one if you didn't have to go through fertility treatment, they might think they are being helpful. But they don't understand the position of the CF person, and that we might be trying to tell them, without coming right out and telling them, that we don't want kids!!! Or, we don't want kids THAT bad - to go over to China and get one. I like teapots, but I don't feel the need to go all the way to China to get one. I know that's a weird example, but I'm being silly.

I had a similar comment when I was at my cousin's wedding last weekend. I mentioned how much I miss my nephew that is back in PA, and my cousin said that DH and I could have a kid of our own. Don't they make it sound so simple? Well, I don't see her that often, and didn't want to get into it, and said, "nah, we're too old for that." And she of course felt the need to say, "oh, no you're not!" So from now on I have to say something else to fend off their "easy solutions" that will impact the rest of my life!!

Adopting a kid isn't all that easy, either. It's not like you can go down to the dealership and pick one off the lot. I think it can cost upwards of $25,000 and you have to totally open your life and personal info to the adoption agency, THEN if you're approved, and there's a prospective baby, you have to hope the mother doesn't change her mind, hope she takes care of herself, all those kind of worries. It can take a bit of time also, I believe. That's if you want a baby, of course. I don't know what the timeframe/cost is for an older child, but then that's a whole other bucket of worries, the kid could come with issues/behavior problems, health problems, the works. Just as risky as having your own kid, maybe more.

Cindy

I know!! You both said it perfectly. Thank you!

Why do I have to apologize for not wanting to put myself and husband through all that anguish, torture, stress, and anxiety, for the rest of our lives? Why do people act like it's so shocking people wouldn't want to do that?

These are great... I would love to say some of these things to people. I'm keeping them in the back of my mind for a rainy day when someone really pushes me over the edge with the pro baby garbage. It's so hurtful when they say all of that stuff, and they don't get it. Like there's only one possible alternative for a woman. How sad, depressing and sexist.

I'm this close to saying something really rude the next time the topic comes up. God bless the poor person that asks me about it.

I would simply say, if I were meant to have children I would be able to do it the way I would want without it being difficult. I mean look at all the people who have done the fertility experiments...one it's costly, two..you could end up with several babies at one time...why, because it's not natural to make yourself fertile if you are not. I always think to myself I'd be happy to give my fertility to a woman who really wanted it...who knows I could be infertile...and taking Birth control for no reason...Ha wouldn't that be funny? But getting back to the point...adoption is not only risky, expensive, and truly not an easy thing...it is truly for people who are 100% positive and excited to be parents...and if you aren't, then adoption is not your choice. So, simply put I'd say if I cannot have them without drugs or adoption and I don't feel strongly enough about it...then it's just not in the cards for me. God created us to be different contrary to what some people believe...if we all wanted the same things...what a boring place the world would be!