BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Apparently 'Tis the Season to Bingo

I think it sucks to get stuff for your baby, and not to get stuff for yourself. I know a lot of parents say that though - don't buy us anything, just get something for the kids.

I know what you mean about the toy type gifts - so funny that you mentioned this. My DH got a Rubik's Cube for his 40th birthday in November. Not the original, but the new one. It further emphasized that I think they think of us as kids, too. We gave it away.

I know! She gave them $6,000 for the cruise, and our wedding gift was $10,000. I just learned about this recently, and my DH and I had a long discussion about it this afternoon. He argued that we decided to get married on a cruise, they wanted to be there, but couldn't afford it. I've really got to get a handle on this b/c it really burns me up - the way the helpless family members get all the gifts/help. I'm glad we have our act together, but it still hurts. As my DH said, life isn't fair!

Happy, I feel your pain! And it's not just the "helpless" family members. DH's stepbrother got married a year before we did. DH's dad/stepmom paid for THEIR honeymoon to Spain (in addition to their wedding gift of a washer/dryer) because it was "expected" by his fiance's family (her dad was a doctor and paid for an elaborate country club wedding, so they had to "keep up").

A year later, we went to Gatlinburg on our honeymoon b/c it was what WE could afford. Their gift to us was fixing DH's 1963 Chevy (which we were supposed to use in our wedding but it wasn't running in time). And no washer/dryer either (as they had given both step-bro.and step-sis. for their weddings), although his crazy stepmom later insisted that she had given us our set (and we promptly reminded her that we bought them for our first anniversary).

I used to FUME over how unfairly we were treated compared to his stepbrother/wife. Thank god that he is now a FORMER stepbrother and we no longer have to put up with their antics. I wish I could offer words o' wisdom on dealing with it, but obviously after 14 years, it STILL irks me (though I no longer dwell on it).

Tbunny, that sucks! That would have driven me crazy, too. I'm glad you don't have to deal with it anymore. No such luck for me! I just don't like being around them either. If I am distanced from it, it doesn't bother me as much. But being around them makes me think about it more, and about my own family situation.

I forget how it came out, but my dysfunctional sister (the "mother" of my nephew) learned about our wedding gift of $10,000 from my parents. I could tell the wheels were turning, and she was thinking of the money she would get if she got married. Or she was feeling slighted, or something. But... my parents have probably spent five times that raising her son. I would love to get $50,000 to go to graduate school! But that will never happen. My DH says I am too sensitive, but I disagree. I think most people would be really annoyed by this type of discrepancy.

He said we will see more money when he gets his "inheritance" because we haven't been sponging off of his parents. But I can't imagine that will happen. I'm sure they will split whatever is left. It's not even about the money, per se, it's just the fact that they get more than we are getting, whether that be attention, whatever. Infuriating!

We had 10 people around for Xmas, all my inlaws. I'd made/found them all gifts. Nothing expensive or over the top - chutneys, pickles, cookies, choccys etc. I was reminded again that they don't do that in the "family". I said, well, *I* do, and was told that they used to, then they had kids and kept it for the kids, but as adults they don't do it now... wtf?? I explained this was yet another reason we wouldn't be having any.

Awesome! Good for you!

Breathe deeply :-). I know what this is like - actually, my whole family does. All our immediate family have one boy, one girl, and all the girls are well educated and responsible with good jobs, and have always paid their own way. All the boys are scoundrels who have made sponging off their parents an art form - and the parents have allowed them to get away with it! It's SO frustrating.

I just look at all that stuff and console myself with the fact that karma will catch up eventually. It still pi$$es me off, though...

Thanks Pikasam! It does help to know I am not alone. There really does seem to be a lot of this. I've heard a lot of people say "there's one in every family," and I'm starting to think it's true. I know - my parents do the same thing. And, I know I've said this before, but it doesn't help the parasite in the long run, because they never learn to care for themselves.

Thanks for the support, guys. I guess it bugs me b/c it is harder to be responsible, and I resent people that take the easy way out.

As far as the karma thing, goes, I think you may be right. The inlaws live 15 minutes from BIL and SIL, and when their health starts to go, I'm not going to bend over backwards. That will be her turn to give back to them. I don't care that she has two kids, and an intense career - she's been continually dependent on them. It's on her. And, it's by design that we don't live that close to them - we don't want or need them here. They are so entangled with them, they will have to rise to the occasion. Now that I think about it, I feel much better now. I wouldn't completely abandon the inlaws, but we've set a precedent for "having our own life."

How does he know his now-toddler will take care of him when he's old? Does he have a contract with the kid? Is he encouraging the kid to become a doctor or nurse so he can care for his parents if they are infirm? Is he sure the kid will outlive him? Is he going to forbid his child from moving to another state or another country unless the parents can come with him and sponge off him in their old age? Wow, he must have all of that in place, to be so sure of his elder-care plans.

Cindy

This all sounds familiar - my DH has one sister and two brothers - all much older than us.
We started with nothing and worked and saved for the things we wanted in life. It irked me though, to see my SIL greatly favoured by her parents.
The sons were expected to work hard and get ahead in life - the daughter had everything handed to her.
The parents couldn't see how unfair they were being...my SIL eventually married (at 39) an older man and he took over...
My SIL has redeemed herself over the last 10 years - she cared for her aging and ill parents - put her own life on hold...
I really admired and respected her dedicated and loving care of her parents.
We became closer during this period after years of awkwardness...
I helped with my FIL - visiting the home twice a week so my SIL could take some time for herself.
We are now solid and close friends - if someone had told me years ago that we would end up being friends - I would have laughed...
Strange how things work out...
AND, presents - my plan this year - rather than buying a pile of presents for my brother's family (3 stepkids, new baby) we'd buy a family present. We've been shelling out all year anyway, for baby presents, birthdays, christening....
My 16 year old nephew (the only child in my family for many years)has a special place in my heart - my brother's partner "M" felt that her kids (from her first marriage) should be treated the same way as my nephew....
I'm sorry but I've known my nephew his entire life and happen to love him to pieces - her kids are obnoxious and I barely know them (and hope to keep it that way)
Needless to say, even though it will give my brother grief - we have all carried on as usual with my nephew.
I'm afraid most people realize you can't demand love and respect - it doesn't work that way.
Family can be so complicated...